Best and Worst Movies of 2006
Let me start off by saying this: fuck The Departed. I don't care how many people tell me how good this movie is, I refuse to bend down and suck Martin Scorcese's dick. I hope he loses the Oscar again. So yeah, same as the last two times: only movies that were viewed in theaters are eligable. So, without further ado (whatever the fuck ado is):
Worst Movies of 2006
6. Apocalypto
Like with last year's War of the Worlds, I was so completely split on how I felt about this movie. Some of it powned hardcore, some was really retarded. So I've split it again. The retarded parts of Apocalypto go at the top of the worst list beacause although there's not a whole lot of it in there, the few stupid moments are just too stupid to ignore. Let me set up one of the moments for those that haven't seen it: we've basically just got done watching very dramatic sequences of the main character's village being raped and most of the people are either dead or captive. They are being taken to the main city like cattle. Very depressing stuff. Then out of nowhere, Gibson adds a scene where some people are cutting down a large tree and it almost smashes into the group of traveleres. The main bad guy hits the fallen log and shouts "I'm walkin' here!" in a reference to Urban Cowboy. It was the dumbest and most out of place thing I've ever seen. Gibson is on some seriously strong crack.
5. Snakes on a Plane
Ignore all the internet hype and Sam Jackson's infamous line and what do you get? A pretty bad movie, that's what. But you know what? This bad movie was fucking hilarious. I was laughing my ass off almost the whole time. This film really was attempting to be a bad movie, but it succeeded in a good way, whereas most bad movies aren't even intending to wreak of shit.
4. Jackass: Number Two
I'm not gonna act like those high-and-mighty cock suckers and say this movie is too low brow and immature, considering that I've probably laughed the hardest at a movie in my life during the first movie. This movie was funny, but unfortunately after seeing enough of the series and the first movie it was pretty much been there done that, especially the people in old make-up bits. They had a bunch of great new ideas, like the Wee Man and Preston bungee cord stunt. And now matter how gross you though it was, the shit helmet was hilarious. The terrorist prank at the end was brilliant. The worst thing about the movie, though: Bam Margera is turning into the biggest gayrod alive. When he's not wearing tons of eye mascara and pink scarves, he's talking out the side of his mouth like he got kicked in the face by a donkey or crying like a bitch at the smallest things. Someone shoot him now.
Tied for 2nd. X3 and Superman Returns
I've put these two together because they both sucked ass for polar opposite reasons.
Let's start with X-Men: The Last Stand. Character development? Who needs character development! Uh, yeah. This movie was pretty much retarded. As sheila and I have said a bajillion times, there was a lot of things wrong with the series as a whole, but shit, at least X2 did a good job of telling a story and entertaining the audience. So when it comes to this last installment, I'd like to think that Bret Ratner took the script, force fed it to himself, and shit it out onto a roll of film. I'm really hoping that's how it went and he didn't actually put any thought or effort into it, because if he did that's pretty sad. X3 suffers from the same problem as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (lawlz): let's cram as many kewl characters as we can without developing a single one! Awesome! Hell they barely did anything with their main characters. Rogue was nonexistant in this movie. Kitty Pride is an afterthought. Juggernaut is uselesss. Proffessor X gets a completely unwelcomed attitude change then gets vaporized. Cyclopes is just as much of a vagina as he was before. The action sucked dick in this movie (Magneto is powned cause of the plastic weapons, but the needles in the syringes are made of METAL you RETARDS, good job on catching that). And the ending, jesus fucking christ. CUE THE OVERLY DRAMATIC MUSIC, SING THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CHOIR! 'Twas gay. Oh, and no Gambit = fail.
Superman Returns, on the other hand, was completely different. It's characters were developed and had some great scenes of action. My problem with this movie? The story is so illogically fucking stupid. Oh, and Bryan Singer masturbates to pictures of Superman, but more on that in a bit. Singer wanted to base start this film where Superman II left off, and that's where the problems start as well. In Superman II, Superman swore to never leave them unprotected like that again. What does he do in Returns? Leaves for five years, and for selfish reasons. Good job. They were trying so hard to be like the previous films, but really it hindered them in many ways. Superman repeating that statistic about the safety of flying was not funny and was quite gaytarded. Kevin Spacey basically delivered his lines like he was either bored stupid or flamingly gay (side note: man handling a wet, spandex wearing Superman on top of that rock had to be Spacey's complete wet dream). His plane defied all logic too. Hey! Let's destroy the US and somehow expect them to jump at the opportunity to live of this piece of shit rock island despite the fact we're responsible for destrying their homes! Sweet! Supes spent way too much time stalking his ex-girlfriend rather than, you know, SAVING THE WORLD. One of the weakest parts of this movie is that Bryan Singer loves Superman waaaay too much. You think he's a Christ figure, we get it. That shot near the end where Supes floats back down to Earth in the Jesus pose was like getting hit over the head with a brick. Hmm...there's more to gripe about, but I'll finish with the dumbest plot hole: Superman was completely weakened by merely standing on the Kryptonite island. Yet, somehow, he's able to lift the whole damn thing and chuck it into space while at the same time having a PIECE OF KRYPTONITE inside his body (they remove it in the hospital). Does anyone proofread these scripts?
1. Underworld: Evolution
There's really no need to explain it. This movie just sucked dick. The first one was decent, and the only plus side to Evolution is seeing an almost completely naked Kate Beckinsale in one of the most forced and useless sex scenes known to cinema.
Best Movies of 2006
12. Clerks II
It was funny, but not very memorable. It had a lot of great moments, and thank god they graduated from that high school level of acting from the first film. The best part of Clerks II was anything that came out of Elias' (was that his name?) mouth. And yes, Star Wars trilogy >>>>>>>>>>> LotR trilogy.
11. Lady in the Water
I am completely surprised by how many people absolutely hated this movie. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't horrible either. It was different, and I liked it. Lots of people complained about M. Night Shamalamadingdong casting himself as a "significant" role, but who the fuck cares. Mel Gibson was Braveheart, don't see people moaning and bitching about that.
10. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
The first movie was surprisingly entertaining, and when it becomes such a smash hit it's hard to live up to. The sequel did for the most part, but a lot of it felt like the same old stuff. Once again, it was a bit lengthy, but I thought the cast of villains was a lot better this time. I'm interested in seeing what they do with Keith Richards.
9. Apocalypto
Like I said, when this movie worked, it fucking rocked. And I'm not talking about the sacrifice scenes, those were overhyped. When the main character runs into the jungle and the villain starts going after him, I swear to god the Terminator theme is playing. A lot of the chase was so fucking badass that in many ways it makes up for the shit that is holding this movie down, but not completely.
8. Mission Impossible III
There's no getting around it: Tom Cruise is out of his fucking mind, but he can still deliver on film. I thought this film was great. Good action, good villain. It's definately better than that shit stain second film, but I'd still rank it just slightly below the first. Despite falling apart a bit near the end, I think they did a good job with this one. And who knew Phillip Seymoure Hoffman could be more threatening than he was in Punch Drunk Love?
7. Casino Royale: 007
This was good, GoldenEye was still better no matter what you say. Casino Royale is definately a step in the right direction in getting the Bond franchise away from the cheese. Daniel Craig was a pretty good Bond, but he mumbles some of his lines and I can't understand them. British tits. The story was okay, nothing spectacular. Eva Green as the Bond Girl failed horribly in my opinion. We've seen that stone-cold "not interested" girl who eventually falls to his charms a billion times. Plus she wasn't hot. However, she is light years better than Denise fucking Richards (shudder). If I had to pick my biggest gripe with Casino, it'd have to be the fact that the movie is far too long. After you've had your fill you're just thinking "end already!" But still, if I had to say it makes a great action/spy movie and an great Bond movie, but not an excellent Bond movie.
6. Curse of the Golden Flower
This movie can be sumarized in one word: clevage. Seriously though, I thought this was another fantastic film by Zhang Yimou (his last two got #1 for 2004). But in a way I was somewhat disappointed. It was my own fault, though. The last two were mainly action with drama, this was drama with action, and there's a huge difference. Still, when things started going nuts, it fucking rocked. This is one fucked up family, which was awesome, and when the battles went down I couldn't help but think about Dynasty Warriors.
5. Pan's Labyrinth
This is an excellent movie, but slightly misleading from the advertisements. They really drill it into your head that this is an adult fantasy, but really, there wasn't as much fantasy as I would've liked. I knew there was going to be real world shit, but the ratio was like 75% real world, 25% fantasy. Still, this is a great movie. Somehow it was gorier than Apocalypto. Mel Gibson is getting soft. Or drunk, either way (sugartits, rofl).
4. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
C'mon...if you don't know why this movie is on the Best list you should jump out the window right now.
3. V for Vendetta
(Start movie trailer guy voice) In a world...where movies like Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider make the superhero genre of movies a complete laughing stock, one movie DARES to not suck donkey dick. I thought V for Vendetta was fucking awesome. And purists be damned. If you're gonna bitch and moan that it wasn't a 100% translation, go back to your lord of the rings forums you faghats. This was a very different superhero movie, if you could call it that. Some people complained about the fact that the story tried to comment on today's political climate, but you know what? Who gives a flying fuck. Enjoy the movie for what it is.The destruction of Parliament was one of the most enjoyable endings I've seen in recent years just for its visual impact. And was anyone else laughing hysterically outloud during the bloody knife fight?
2. Fearless
I didn't think it was possible for anything to top Hero as my all-time favorite Jet Li movie. How wrong was I. This movie blew me away for one simple reason: Jet Li can actually act. We saw hints of it in last year's Unleashed, but in his native tongue Jet Li finally delivers the best performance of his career. In Hero, he was either talking with a stoic blank face or not talking at all. This time he acts the hell out of his role with genuine emotion. The story, while having run-of-the-mill elements, was not brought to us in a run-of-the-mill way. Jet Li's character was flawed, and that is why shit was brought down upon him. He was the master of his own demise, and I thought it added a lot to the movie. It didn't have the greatest fight scenes ever, but its story, Jet Li's performance, and spirit behind this film makes it top notch.
1. The Prestige
A while ago I read a little blurb about this movie when it was just starting to be made. It was something along the lines of: Christopher Nolan making a film starring Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman as rival magicians in turn of the century England. I thought "Holy shit, this is going to be an fucking sweet film", although for some reason I thought it was gonna be a comedy. Boy was I right, except for that comedy part. I absolutely loved this film. Everything was great about it: the acting, the cinematography, the script and how the plot was revealed. It was very unique movie. It was something I haven't seen yet, and it was refreshing. The Prestige did was very few movies nowadays can do: it actually had me on the edge of my seat until the very end (figuratively, of course). I couldn't get enough of the one-upmanship between the two characters. My biggest disappointment, though this is just nitpicking, is that the advertisements (if you haven't read the book) lead you to believe that Christian Bale's character actually knew magic and was a real world sorceror of some kind, and that would've fucking powned cause Bale is the shit. And even though I pretty much guessed Bale's real secret right away, it still didn't ruin any of the anticipation and build up for the ending. They still had enough tricks up their sleeves (omg pun lawlz) to keep you interested. So yeah, fucking best film of the year. Fuck you Departed and Leo Decaprio faggoty motherfucknut.
Worthy of Mention - Movies released this year but weren't actually seen in theaters.
The Protector
Ong Bak was better.
Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor)
I really wanted to see this for my birthday but we got shafted by the limited release. This film is almost a better watch on DVD because the international version is the first to use interactive subtitles. The subtitles move and react to the onscreen action. It's a trip, and although the movie can be a bit confusing at times, it powned nonetheless. It's the first part of a trilogy, so don't expect resolution at the end.
Worst Movies of 2006
6. Apocalypto
Like with last year's War of the Worlds, I was so completely split on how I felt about this movie. Some of it powned hardcore, some was really retarded. So I've split it again. The retarded parts of Apocalypto go at the top of the worst list beacause although there's not a whole lot of it in there, the few stupid moments are just too stupid to ignore. Let me set up one of the moments for those that haven't seen it: we've basically just got done watching very dramatic sequences of the main character's village being raped and most of the people are either dead or captive. They are being taken to the main city like cattle. Very depressing stuff. Then out of nowhere, Gibson adds a scene where some people are cutting down a large tree and it almost smashes into the group of traveleres. The main bad guy hits the fallen log and shouts "I'm walkin' here!" in a reference to Urban Cowboy. It was the dumbest and most out of place thing I've ever seen. Gibson is on some seriously strong crack.
5. Snakes on a Plane
Ignore all the internet hype and Sam Jackson's infamous line and what do you get? A pretty bad movie, that's what. But you know what? This bad movie was fucking hilarious. I was laughing my ass off almost the whole time. This film really was attempting to be a bad movie, but it succeeded in a good way, whereas most bad movies aren't even intending to wreak of shit.
4. Jackass: Number Two
I'm not gonna act like those high-and-mighty cock suckers and say this movie is too low brow and immature, considering that I've probably laughed the hardest at a movie in my life during the first movie. This movie was funny, but unfortunately after seeing enough of the series and the first movie it was pretty much been there done that, especially the people in old make-up bits. They had a bunch of great new ideas, like the Wee Man and Preston bungee cord stunt. And now matter how gross you though it was, the shit helmet was hilarious. The terrorist prank at the end was brilliant. The worst thing about the movie, though: Bam Margera is turning into the biggest gayrod alive. When he's not wearing tons of eye mascara and pink scarves, he's talking out the side of his mouth like he got kicked in the face by a donkey or crying like a bitch at the smallest things. Someone shoot him now.
Tied for 2nd. X3 and Superman Returns
I've put these two together because they both sucked ass for polar opposite reasons.
Let's start with X-Men: The Last Stand. Character development? Who needs character development! Uh, yeah. This movie was pretty much retarded. As sheila and I have said a bajillion times, there was a lot of things wrong with the series as a whole, but shit, at least X2 did a good job of telling a story and entertaining the audience. So when it comes to this last installment, I'd like to think that Bret Ratner took the script, force fed it to himself, and shit it out onto a roll of film. I'm really hoping that's how it went and he didn't actually put any thought or effort into it, because if he did that's pretty sad. X3 suffers from the same problem as Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (lawlz): let's cram as many kewl characters as we can without developing a single one! Awesome! Hell they barely did anything with their main characters. Rogue was nonexistant in this movie. Kitty Pride is an afterthought. Juggernaut is uselesss. Proffessor X gets a completely unwelcomed attitude change then gets vaporized. Cyclopes is just as much of a vagina as he was before. The action sucked dick in this movie (Magneto is powned cause of the plastic weapons, but the needles in the syringes are made of METAL you RETARDS, good job on catching that). And the ending, jesus fucking christ. CUE THE OVERLY DRAMATIC MUSIC, SING THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CHOIR! 'Twas gay. Oh, and no Gambit = fail.
Superman Returns, on the other hand, was completely different. It's characters were developed and had some great scenes of action. My problem with this movie? The story is so illogically fucking stupid. Oh, and Bryan Singer masturbates to pictures of Superman, but more on that in a bit. Singer wanted to base start this film where Superman II left off, and that's where the problems start as well. In Superman II, Superman swore to never leave them unprotected like that again. What does he do in Returns? Leaves for five years, and for selfish reasons. Good job. They were trying so hard to be like the previous films, but really it hindered them in many ways. Superman repeating that statistic about the safety of flying was not funny and was quite gaytarded. Kevin Spacey basically delivered his lines like he was either bored stupid or flamingly gay (side note: man handling a wet, spandex wearing Superman on top of that rock had to be Spacey's complete wet dream). His plane defied all logic too. Hey! Let's destroy the US and somehow expect them to jump at the opportunity to live of this piece of shit rock island despite the fact we're responsible for destrying their homes! Sweet! Supes spent way too much time stalking his ex-girlfriend rather than, you know, SAVING THE WORLD. One of the weakest parts of this movie is that Bryan Singer loves Superman waaaay too much. You think he's a Christ figure, we get it. That shot near the end where Supes floats back down to Earth in the Jesus pose was like getting hit over the head with a brick. Hmm...there's more to gripe about, but I'll finish with the dumbest plot hole: Superman was completely weakened by merely standing on the Kryptonite island. Yet, somehow, he's able to lift the whole damn thing and chuck it into space while at the same time having a PIECE OF KRYPTONITE inside his body (they remove it in the hospital). Does anyone proofread these scripts?
1. Underworld: Evolution
There's really no need to explain it. This movie just sucked dick. The first one was decent, and the only plus side to Evolution is seeing an almost completely naked Kate Beckinsale in one of the most forced and useless sex scenes known to cinema.
Best Movies of 2006
12. Clerks II
It was funny, but not very memorable. It had a lot of great moments, and thank god they graduated from that high school level of acting from the first film. The best part of Clerks II was anything that came out of Elias' (was that his name?) mouth. And yes, Star Wars trilogy >>>>>>>>>>> LotR trilogy.
11. Lady in the Water
I am completely surprised by how many people absolutely hated this movie. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't spectacular, but it wasn't horrible either. It was different, and I liked it. Lots of people complained about M. Night Shamalamadingdong casting himself as a "significant" role, but who the fuck cares. Mel Gibson was Braveheart, don't see people moaning and bitching about that.
10. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
The first movie was surprisingly entertaining, and when it becomes such a smash hit it's hard to live up to. The sequel did for the most part, but a lot of it felt like the same old stuff. Once again, it was a bit lengthy, but I thought the cast of villains was a lot better this time. I'm interested in seeing what they do with Keith Richards.
9. Apocalypto
Like I said, when this movie worked, it fucking rocked. And I'm not talking about the sacrifice scenes, those were overhyped. When the main character runs into the jungle and the villain starts going after him, I swear to god the Terminator theme is playing. A lot of the chase was so fucking badass that in many ways it makes up for the shit that is holding this movie down, but not completely.
8. Mission Impossible III
There's no getting around it: Tom Cruise is out of his fucking mind, but he can still deliver on film. I thought this film was great. Good action, good villain. It's definately better than that shit stain second film, but I'd still rank it just slightly below the first. Despite falling apart a bit near the end, I think they did a good job with this one. And who knew Phillip Seymoure Hoffman could be more threatening than he was in Punch Drunk Love?
7. Casino Royale: 007
This was good, GoldenEye was still better no matter what you say. Casino Royale is definately a step in the right direction in getting the Bond franchise away from the cheese. Daniel Craig was a pretty good Bond, but he mumbles some of his lines and I can't understand them. British tits. The story was okay, nothing spectacular. Eva Green as the Bond Girl failed horribly in my opinion. We've seen that stone-cold "not interested" girl who eventually falls to his charms a billion times. Plus she wasn't hot. However, she is light years better than Denise fucking Richards (shudder). If I had to pick my biggest gripe with Casino, it'd have to be the fact that the movie is far too long. After you've had your fill you're just thinking "end already!" But still, if I had to say it makes a great action/spy movie and an great Bond movie, but not an excellent Bond movie.
6. Curse of the Golden Flower
This movie can be sumarized in one word: clevage. Seriously though, I thought this was another fantastic film by Zhang Yimou (his last two got #1 for 2004). But in a way I was somewhat disappointed. It was my own fault, though. The last two were mainly action with drama, this was drama with action, and there's a huge difference. Still, when things started going nuts, it fucking rocked. This is one fucked up family, which was awesome, and when the battles went down I couldn't help but think about Dynasty Warriors.
5. Pan's Labyrinth
This is an excellent movie, but slightly misleading from the advertisements. They really drill it into your head that this is an adult fantasy, but really, there wasn't as much fantasy as I would've liked. I knew there was going to be real world shit, but the ratio was like 75% real world, 25% fantasy. Still, this is a great movie. Somehow it was gorier than Apocalypto. Mel Gibson is getting soft. Or drunk, either way (sugartits, rofl).
4. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
C'mon...if you don't know why this movie is on the Best list you should jump out the window right now.
3. V for Vendetta
(Start movie trailer guy voice) In a world...where movies like Fantastic Four and Ghost Rider make the superhero genre of movies a complete laughing stock, one movie DARES to not suck donkey dick. I thought V for Vendetta was fucking awesome. And purists be damned. If you're gonna bitch and moan that it wasn't a 100% translation, go back to your lord of the rings forums you faghats. This was a very different superhero movie, if you could call it that. Some people complained about the fact that the story tried to comment on today's political climate, but you know what? Who gives a flying fuck. Enjoy the movie for what it is.The destruction of Parliament was one of the most enjoyable endings I've seen in recent years just for its visual impact. And was anyone else laughing hysterically outloud during the bloody knife fight?
2. Fearless
I didn't think it was possible for anything to top Hero as my all-time favorite Jet Li movie. How wrong was I. This movie blew me away for one simple reason: Jet Li can actually act. We saw hints of it in last year's Unleashed, but in his native tongue Jet Li finally delivers the best performance of his career. In Hero, he was either talking with a stoic blank face or not talking at all. This time he acts the hell out of his role with genuine emotion. The story, while having run-of-the-mill elements, was not brought to us in a run-of-the-mill way. Jet Li's character was flawed, and that is why shit was brought down upon him. He was the master of his own demise, and I thought it added a lot to the movie. It didn't have the greatest fight scenes ever, but its story, Jet Li's performance, and spirit behind this film makes it top notch.
1. The Prestige
A while ago I read a little blurb about this movie when it was just starting to be made. It was something along the lines of: Christopher Nolan making a film starring Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman as rival magicians in turn of the century England. I thought "Holy shit, this is going to be an fucking sweet film", although for some reason I thought it was gonna be a comedy. Boy was I right, except for that comedy part. I absolutely loved this film. Everything was great about it: the acting, the cinematography, the script and how the plot was revealed. It was very unique movie. It was something I haven't seen yet, and it was refreshing. The Prestige did was very few movies nowadays can do: it actually had me on the edge of my seat until the very end (figuratively, of course). I couldn't get enough of the one-upmanship between the two characters. My biggest disappointment, though this is just nitpicking, is that the advertisements (if you haven't read the book) lead you to believe that Christian Bale's character actually knew magic and was a real world sorceror of some kind, and that would've fucking powned cause Bale is the shit. And even though I pretty much guessed Bale's real secret right away, it still didn't ruin any of the anticipation and build up for the ending. They still had enough tricks up their sleeves (omg pun lawlz) to keep you interested. So yeah, fucking best film of the year. Fuck you Departed and Leo Decaprio faggoty motherfucknut.
Worthy of Mention - Movies released this year but weren't actually seen in theaters.
The Protector
Ong Bak was better.
Night Watch (Nochnoi Dozor)
I really wanted to see this for my birthday but we got shafted by the limited release. This film is almost a better watch on DVD because the international version is the first to use interactive subtitles. The subtitles move and react to the onscreen action. It's a trip, and although the movie can be a bit confusing at times, it powned nonetheless. It's the first part of a trilogy, so don't expect resolution at the end.