Best and Worst Movies of 2004
Since I'm so into watching movies and Spiffy Movie days are such a mainstay amongst my circle of friends, I decided to rank and review what I've seen this past year (including those I've seen outside of spiffy). Only those that I've seen in a movie theater count. Instead of just ranking in one list I decided to do separate Best and Worst lists cause some of the shit I've seen doesn't deserve to be in the same ranking as others. So, without further bullshitting, here it is:
The Worst Movies of 2004
5. Kill Bill Volume 2
While I didn't completely hate this movie, I must say it was really dissappointing. I'm not the biggest fan of the first one, but I still enjoyed a lot of it. My problem with this movie was the the endless scenes of dry, boring dialogue. Quintin Tarantino is known for his pop culture references and witty dialogue (which is a bullshit statement in the first place), but so much of what was in Kill Bill Vol.2 was so utterly unnecissary and came off as forced. I mean, come on. Who the fuck cares about fucking Superman. I can handle a slow movie, but only if it has a purpose. This was just torture.
4. National Treasure
Again, this one wasn't a total loss, but sometimes when a movie has such a rediculous premise and it's cleched up the ass, it falls flat. I dig mystery and puzzle solving in a movie, whether it comes in the form of decyphering clues or solving a complex case, so there were some things about this movie that I enjoyed watching. Unfortunately, those parts didn't cover the ticket price, so you owe me some money Loews Cineplex. National Treasure does get some credit for having Sean Bean, cause any movie with Sean Bean automatically gets some pownage points (Equilibrium, w00t).
3. The Village
God damnit. I mean, what the fuck...seriously. This had so much potential and then went down the shithole. These villagers are put into such a frightening scenario but you just find yourself not giving a shit cause the characters suck balls and they talk like such british tits (OMG IT'S A FARCE!). The only reason you watch it is to find out the trademark Shyamalan twist, which I have to say was clever until he extended the movie for fucking ten more minutes after you found out. M. Night needs to leave the thriller genre behind and fast before he spends his entire career producing the same movie over and over again.
2. Van Helsing
All flash, no substance. Hugh Jackman still rocks, though.
1. AVP: Alien Vs. Predator
Instead of being banned from directing, Paul W. S. Anderson should be banned from living. He's going on my "Worst Directors of All Time" list along with McG. Seriously, my dog has produced shit that's more entertaining in the backyard.
The Best Movies of 2004
9. Troy
A lot of critics didn't have many good things to say about Troy, but I thought it was pretty good. It had some great moments of action, but it was waaaay too long for what it could have been. All in all, it's worth a renting.
8. The Day After Tomorrow
Technically, this should be on the Worst list. But honestly, there's two kinds of stupid movies: those that are genuinly stupid (AVP) and those that are stupid but provide lots of brainless entertainment. The Day After Tomorrow falls into the latter. If you ignore the bullshit hippy enviromentalist propaganda and just sit back and enjoy New York getting the royal screw job once again, it's a helluva movie to watch.
7. Shaun of the Dead
Out of all the nonstop zombie movies released this year, Shaun of the Dead takes top prize with its mix of graphic gore and fucking hilarious moments. I loved this movie cause of the great cast of characters who have been put into a rediculous situation. If you want a good zombie movie, one that hasn't been done a million times, do it like this. Shaun of the Dead did have a few overdone dramatic moments that weren't completely needed in a comedy, but they still worked. Good flick.
6. Hellboy
The second best comic movie of the year. Fuck Punisher, fuck Daredevil... This is a comic movie that is true to its roots without being bloated with bullshit. It wasn't an epic movie like Spider-Man 2, but it delivered everything that you wanted (including a superb version of Hellboy himself). Comicbook adaptions should be like this. Think about your characters and story, then worry about the explosions and special effects.
5. Napoleon Dynamite
Oh god, what a movie. Napoleon Dynamite is fucking hilarious, without a doubt. But this movie certainly isn't for everyone. If you can't appreciate dry humor, then this isn't for you. When I saw it in theaters and once more at home, half of the viewers loved it and the other half couldn't stand it. I loved this movie. It definately is the most quotable movie of the year, with Napoleon and his brother Kip providing the most humor. SWEET.
4. I, Robot
This movie is one of the most underappreciated movies of the year. I, Robot was, in my opinion, a terrific sci-fi mystery. It had action without being overdone and cliched, it had some romance that didn't feel strained or forced, it was dabbled with light humor without being goofy...overall it was just a really great mix of all the elements of an entertaining movie. The mystery aspect rocked as well, and it gets bonus points for taking place in Chicago and not New York (take that assholes).
3. Ocean's Twelve
A little long, a little slow in some parts, but this movie was fucking great. Funnier than the first with a little less interesting caper, it was pure movie indulgence. Nuff said. /bitchslap.
2. Spider-Man 2
There aren't many bad things I can say about this movie, it's just too fucking kick ass. Spider-Man 2 is currently ranked as my favorite comic adaption (soon to be overthrown in June by Batman Begins). This movie was far superior to the first, which had a superb first half and a somewhat drab second half. Spider-Man 2 (as well as Batman Begins) have really focused on what's more important: the man behind the mask. Other comic adaptions focus too much on the superhero and not who he really is. That's why Spider-Man has been such a success. Not only that, but the Spider-Man series has set precedents rather than retreating into all sorts of cliches. I'm just so fucking pleased that my two favorite comic characters are getting the treatments they deserve.
And now, drumroll please...
Tied for 1. Hero and House of Flying Daggers (English names)
God damn, how can I put into words how good these movies are...shit, that's right: I can't. Nothing I can say will truly capture how brilliant Hero and House are. They have everything needed to be the best movie ever and so much more. But why have two of them? Well, besides being done by the same director, I simply loved both of them and could not compare them. Each are different with different things to offer the viewer, but they are equal in their quality. One is a sweeping epic while the other is a love story. Hero has incredible one on one battles while House of Flying Daggers has magnificant group encounters. Both blend personal drama with intense action, something missing from many movies. Out of the dozens of movies released this year, if I only saw these two I would not need any more. They are just that fucking good.
Honorary Mentions
While I didn't see these two movies in theaters, I can't end this without giving special mention to them. These two movies blew me away in terms of their sheer pimpness.
Battle Royale and Casshern
Simply put, one was fucking awesome and the other was fucking awesome and fucking confusing.
The Worst Movies of 2004
5. Kill Bill Volume 2
While I didn't completely hate this movie, I must say it was really dissappointing. I'm not the biggest fan of the first one, but I still enjoyed a lot of it. My problem with this movie was the the endless scenes of dry, boring dialogue. Quintin Tarantino is known for his pop culture references and witty dialogue (which is a bullshit statement in the first place), but so much of what was in Kill Bill Vol.2 was so utterly unnecissary and came off as forced. I mean, come on. Who the fuck cares about fucking Superman. I can handle a slow movie, but only if it has a purpose. This was just torture.
4. National Treasure
Again, this one wasn't a total loss, but sometimes when a movie has such a rediculous premise and it's cleched up the ass, it falls flat. I dig mystery and puzzle solving in a movie, whether it comes in the form of decyphering clues or solving a complex case, so there were some things about this movie that I enjoyed watching. Unfortunately, those parts didn't cover the ticket price, so you owe me some money Loews Cineplex. National Treasure does get some credit for having Sean Bean, cause any movie with Sean Bean automatically gets some pownage points (Equilibrium, w00t).
3. The Village
God damnit. I mean, what the fuck...seriously. This had so much potential and then went down the shithole. These villagers are put into such a frightening scenario but you just find yourself not giving a shit cause the characters suck balls and they talk like such british tits (OMG IT'S A FARCE!). The only reason you watch it is to find out the trademark Shyamalan twist, which I have to say was clever until he extended the movie for fucking ten more minutes after you found out. M. Night needs to leave the thriller genre behind and fast before he spends his entire career producing the same movie over and over again.
2. Van Helsing
All flash, no substance. Hugh Jackman still rocks, though.
1. AVP: Alien Vs. Predator
Instead of being banned from directing, Paul W. S. Anderson should be banned from living. He's going on my "Worst Directors of All Time" list along with McG. Seriously, my dog has produced shit that's more entertaining in the backyard.
The Best Movies of 2004
9. Troy
A lot of critics didn't have many good things to say about Troy, but I thought it was pretty good. It had some great moments of action, but it was waaaay too long for what it could have been. All in all, it's worth a renting.
8. The Day After Tomorrow
Technically, this should be on the Worst list. But honestly, there's two kinds of stupid movies: those that are genuinly stupid (AVP) and those that are stupid but provide lots of brainless entertainment. The Day After Tomorrow falls into the latter. If you ignore the bullshit hippy enviromentalist propaganda and just sit back and enjoy New York getting the royal screw job once again, it's a helluva movie to watch.
7. Shaun of the Dead
Out of all the nonstop zombie movies released this year, Shaun of the Dead takes top prize with its mix of graphic gore and fucking hilarious moments. I loved this movie cause of the great cast of characters who have been put into a rediculous situation. If you want a good zombie movie, one that hasn't been done a million times, do it like this. Shaun of the Dead did have a few overdone dramatic moments that weren't completely needed in a comedy, but they still worked. Good flick.
6. Hellboy
The second best comic movie of the year. Fuck Punisher, fuck Daredevil... This is a comic movie that is true to its roots without being bloated with bullshit. It wasn't an epic movie like Spider-Man 2, but it delivered everything that you wanted (including a superb version of Hellboy himself). Comicbook adaptions should be like this. Think about your characters and story, then worry about the explosions and special effects.
5. Napoleon Dynamite
Oh god, what a movie. Napoleon Dynamite is fucking hilarious, without a doubt. But this movie certainly isn't for everyone. If you can't appreciate dry humor, then this isn't for you. When I saw it in theaters and once more at home, half of the viewers loved it and the other half couldn't stand it. I loved this movie. It definately is the most quotable movie of the year, with Napoleon and his brother Kip providing the most humor. SWEET.
4. I, Robot
This movie is one of the most underappreciated movies of the year. I, Robot was, in my opinion, a terrific sci-fi mystery. It had action without being overdone and cliched, it had some romance that didn't feel strained or forced, it was dabbled with light humor without being goofy...overall it was just a really great mix of all the elements of an entertaining movie. The mystery aspect rocked as well, and it gets bonus points for taking place in Chicago and not New York (take that assholes).
3. Ocean's Twelve
A little long, a little slow in some parts, but this movie was fucking great. Funnier than the first with a little less interesting caper, it was pure movie indulgence. Nuff said. /bitchslap.
2. Spider-Man 2
There aren't many bad things I can say about this movie, it's just too fucking kick ass. Spider-Man 2 is currently ranked as my favorite comic adaption (soon to be overthrown in June by Batman Begins). This movie was far superior to the first, which had a superb first half and a somewhat drab second half. Spider-Man 2 (as well as Batman Begins) have really focused on what's more important: the man behind the mask. Other comic adaptions focus too much on the superhero and not who he really is. That's why Spider-Man has been such a success. Not only that, but the Spider-Man series has set precedents rather than retreating into all sorts of cliches. I'm just so fucking pleased that my two favorite comic characters are getting the treatments they deserve.
And now, drumroll please...
Tied for 1. Hero and House of Flying Daggers (English names)
God damn, how can I put into words how good these movies are...shit, that's right: I can't. Nothing I can say will truly capture how brilliant Hero and House are. They have everything needed to be the best movie ever and so much more. But why have two of them? Well, besides being done by the same director, I simply loved both of them and could not compare them. Each are different with different things to offer the viewer, but they are equal in their quality. One is a sweeping epic while the other is a love story. Hero has incredible one on one battles while House of Flying Daggers has magnificant group encounters. Both blend personal drama with intense action, something missing from many movies. Out of the dozens of movies released this year, if I only saw these two I would not need any more. They are just that fucking good.
Honorary Mentions
While I didn't see these two movies in theaters, I can't end this without giving special mention to them. These two movies blew me away in terms of their sheer pimpness.
Battle Royale and Casshern
Simply put, one was fucking awesome and the other was fucking awesome and fucking confusing.