Crazy, but that's how it goes...
What is going on!? I don't get it, I'm lost, I'm confused, and yet I am content somehow. It's strange how everything is turning upside down in my life, and I have such a feeling of complacency inside. Usually when events similar to these occur, I react in one of two ways:
1) I get enraged to the point of extreme violence, and as has happened in the past, attempt to physically and mentally injure those who I normally hold close, or
2) I get severely depressed and lapse into a seemingly eternal downward spiral of emotion that usually results in an unsatiable desire to end my own life. In the distant past, I even tried to satiate that consuming lust for suicide.
But now, I just don't know. I think I've reached a point of apathy for everyone that exceeeds normality. I know that no one reads my journal, so it's pointless for me to say anything in this post, but here I go anyways:
Shannon: Perfection and harmony wrapped in flesh and given life by the gentle breath of God. That is what I see when I look at you, and my strongest prayer is for that outlook to never change. I know that it never will. You are the reason. You are the proof. You are the excuse. You are everything wonderful, everything beautiful, everything peaceful, and only somethings not so great ;)
Guillermo: We don't talk much, anymore, and that is a source of sadness in my life, but one of those sadnesses that you just grow to get used to, and live with. Besides, things can change, and old friendships tend to be the ones that are renewed. I hope so.
Doug: Life is like a roller coaster. You can only get so high before falling straight down. Stop falling.
Cameron: What happened to you? When I first met you, you were a genuine, honest and faithful friend to both me and Shannon. Now, I come to discover that friendship is important to you only when a certain level of participation is provided, and even then, going to a club takes priority over all. I fear that the level of betrayal and dishonesty that I feel pales in comparison to what beats within my dear Shannon's heart. But I'm sure you haven't thought of that, you've been much too busy making sure that you are having fun. Kudos.
Mike: I am of a like mind with you on your last post. It sucks being left on the backburner. It sucks knowing that you are just a backup plan. It sucks when the people who put you in that situation expect you to stay there, and punish you when you don't.
Danielle: Your a good and decent person, and I know you're trying to make everything work, but your're trying too hard in all the wrong ways. Shannon needs you as a friend, but not the kind of friend that makes you feel guilty for not taking part in what everyone else is doing. She needs the kind of friend that can understand, and just be there, in whatever way possible...no pressure.
Everyone: There are a few things that I think all of you who I used to and still want to consider friends don't understand. Shannon and I do not have a car. We can't just up and go here, or up and go there whenever anyone wants us to. For now, we're stuck at home and at work. Secondly, for all intensive purposes you should all consider us flat ass broke. Not on a budget, not financially tight. FLAT ASS BROKE. Even if we have extra money, we're putting it all away to save up for a decently sized down-payment on a car. Deal with it. The majority of you don't have to pay over 700 dollars a month on rent alone. The majority of you don't have to continuously deal with oncoming bills rolling in one after another that are completely and totally your responsibility. We do. I understand that you all think you have to go out, use gas, and spend money to have fun, but Shannon and I can't do any of those things. Good friends, true friends, trusted friends would understand this, and at the very least be supportive of our situation, instead of CRITICIZING OUR PARTICIPATION LEVEL, and getting mad at us for not going and doing things. We don't want you to spend money on us. We appreciate the offers to limitless degrees, but it's just not what we want. Cameron, you used to come over to our place and spend hours with us WITHOUT SPENDING A DIME, and we all had fun. What happened to that. Why can't that be, anymore? Fun doesn't HAVE to cost money, and I feel that a real friend would understand that and at least make a tiny effort at trying to have fun with us.
I think I'm done. Life sucks, and I'm "over it" I guess. Maybe somehow I'll find new friends who enjoy just hanging out with me and with Shannon. Maybe. At least I know Joe and Ryan are real friends. Since we moved into a nicer place (Oh yeah, I don't think anyone realized one of the reasons we moved to a nicer place was because our "friends" were always coming over, and it sucked that they had to come to such a ghetto place. Weird that once we move into a nicer place, all those "friends" become scarce) Joe and Ryan have visited more often than anyone else, and, strangely, they visit just to be with their friends and hang out. Odd.
Think about it.
Clane
1) I get enraged to the point of extreme violence, and as has happened in the past, attempt to physically and mentally injure those who I normally hold close, or
2) I get severely depressed and lapse into a seemingly eternal downward spiral of emotion that usually results in an unsatiable desire to end my own life. In the distant past, I even tried to satiate that consuming lust for suicide.
But now, I just don't know. I think I've reached a point of apathy for everyone that exceeeds normality. I know that no one reads my journal, so it's pointless for me to say anything in this post, but here I go anyways:
Shannon: Perfection and harmony wrapped in flesh and given life by the gentle breath of God. That is what I see when I look at you, and my strongest prayer is for that outlook to never change. I know that it never will. You are the reason. You are the proof. You are the excuse. You are everything wonderful, everything beautiful, everything peaceful, and only somethings not so great ;)
Guillermo: We don't talk much, anymore, and that is a source of sadness in my life, but one of those sadnesses that you just grow to get used to, and live with. Besides, things can change, and old friendships tend to be the ones that are renewed. I hope so.
Doug: Life is like a roller coaster. You can only get so high before falling straight down. Stop falling.
Cameron: What happened to you? When I first met you, you were a genuine, honest and faithful friend to both me and Shannon. Now, I come to discover that friendship is important to you only when a certain level of participation is provided, and even then, going to a club takes priority over all. I fear that the level of betrayal and dishonesty that I feel pales in comparison to what beats within my dear Shannon's heart. But I'm sure you haven't thought of that, you've been much too busy making sure that you are having fun. Kudos.
Mike: I am of a like mind with you on your last post. It sucks being left on the backburner. It sucks knowing that you are just a backup plan. It sucks when the people who put you in that situation expect you to stay there, and punish you when you don't.
Danielle: Your a good and decent person, and I know you're trying to make everything work, but your're trying too hard in all the wrong ways. Shannon needs you as a friend, but not the kind of friend that makes you feel guilty for not taking part in what everyone else is doing. She needs the kind of friend that can understand, and just be there, in whatever way possible...no pressure.
Everyone: There are a few things that I think all of you who I used to and still want to consider friends don't understand. Shannon and I do not have a car. We can't just up and go here, or up and go there whenever anyone wants us to. For now, we're stuck at home and at work. Secondly, for all intensive purposes you should all consider us flat ass broke. Not on a budget, not financially tight. FLAT ASS BROKE. Even if we have extra money, we're putting it all away to save up for a decently sized down-payment on a car. Deal with it. The majority of you don't have to pay over 700 dollars a month on rent alone. The majority of you don't have to continuously deal with oncoming bills rolling in one after another that are completely and totally your responsibility. We do. I understand that you all think you have to go out, use gas, and spend money to have fun, but Shannon and I can't do any of those things. Good friends, true friends, trusted friends would understand this, and at the very least be supportive of our situation, instead of CRITICIZING OUR PARTICIPATION LEVEL, and getting mad at us for not going and doing things. We don't want you to spend money on us. We appreciate the offers to limitless degrees, but it's just not what we want. Cameron, you used to come over to our place and spend hours with us WITHOUT SPENDING A DIME, and we all had fun. What happened to that. Why can't that be, anymore? Fun doesn't HAVE to cost money, and I feel that a real friend would understand that and at least make a tiny effort at trying to have fun with us.
I think I'm done. Life sucks, and I'm "over it" I guess. Maybe somehow I'll find new friends who enjoy just hanging out with me and with Shannon. Maybe. At least I know Joe and Ryan are real friends. Since we moved into a nicer place (Oh yeah, I don't think anyone realized one of the reasons we moved to a nicer place was because our "friends" were always coming over, and it sucked that they had to come to such a ghetto place. Weird that once we move into a nicer place, all those "friends" become scarce) Joe and Ryan have visited more often than anyone else, and, strangely, they visit just to be with their friends and hang out. Odd.
Think about it.
Clane