What is this?

[setupfailure]

Hi everyone, lol, yeah, anyway, I get it that is all that matters. I am sitting here in the morning of February 2nd at 9:27 am, got home from work about 2 hours ago, awesome, but really I do love working the night shift the people rock and i am making fat cash, for a new house. Yeah that is right a new house, brian and I are buying one, well he is buying it sort of, and i am helping furnishing it, I am crazy right? 18 and buying a house. I had a crazy dream about being a vampire last night, or i mean yesterday seeing as how i sleep in the day now, whoaaaa weird association, anyway then when i got home this morning the lost boys was on, great movie, makes me think of rea and the days of learning what new older fascinations us 16 year olds could get our hands on or having her suck me into the world of the eightes and suspendor pants, gotta get another pair. I hope she is having fun in london, anyway this house thing, maybe when spring comes things will get good, john already dubbed this the year of Summer O` Lake so maybe that will help my situation, Can't get outside and it kills me, no snowboarding this year, i hate it, so summer comes and we have fun, yay. This house thing do i really want to start investing in a house, this was brians dreams not mine, how do i get the reputation of being wild and spirited and crazy by those who know me to following other people and what they want, seriously, soemone please tell me what i have done with myself that goes towards my dreams and what i want, why is so hard to just go to Jordan my dad can have it arranged in an hour, he is just waiting for me to ask. oh yeah, i am in love, lol, but it is ok, 2 years and i am there, i still need a little bit more growing up and hard times. i love my mom, i dont know if she knows that, out of all the fights and and tears we went through, from all the times i just wished she would go away and i could just live my life, from the times i found way to much out and the times when i didn't know. I love her, she has tought me more then anyone has and anyone will, i can't live whithout her and i refuse to, so dont fuck this up god, you did enough to her already, fuck evolution, i want faith i want hope i want love, i want soemthing to believe in and not just say oh well it is science, i need someone to be there for me cause i am not gonna just open and say help, that is where he comes in this made up guy that people rely on, he knows what goes on and he is there to help when other are denied access. that is why, that is why the story was made and people started to believe, cause someone one of the first was so pissed about death cause everyone started dieing, and there was no one there for them, and so they made up a beautiful story of how you comfort yourself in times of need, and dammit, i fucking believe, i need a little peace. lol all for the wrong reasons but oh well. i need to get a dog, oh and i am buying a drummset, i dont know how but i am going to. I figure 600 for a used pearl begginers kit should be good till i can save up the 2 grand for a good one, oh yeah i have to be great first, and i will, i was going to get it with this next paycheck, but that will be used for... the house. and car insurance, i have to drive the stick contore or whatever it is called, wich is awesome cause how many good times can my first car bring with a bad stench to it, i am truely excited about it, i dont think bri believes that. I like NASH. I am started to write in this again cause i am started to forget, i have been living away from home for 5 months me and bri and have been dating for 5 months, and i have been living with him for 5 months, my head hurts, it seems like a week, i dont remember anything, i couldn't if i tried and i have dammit, the dreams the dreams are so detailed and i am so into the dream that i dont feel like i slept, i feel like i was living the dream. i slept for 11 hours yesterday, there was no point to wake up, no brian no friends, no mom or dad or little kids running around, nothing to write about cause everything is fine, be and mom and dad and everyone are great, no school really no one to talk to pass away the time, i dont really talk to heather anymore, but i happy just because there is nothing to be unhappy about. i dont understand, what the hell i am doing? what am i waiting for. at least i am not like some people right? but i am sure even bad people have great interesting moments and things to laugh about later. i love work, a lot of people, fun times. i miss andy, i miss going down are old smoking route, andersonville rd past the elementary and davisburgs little town right back out onto dixie. i miss the summer of drinking away the days and laying on my bed blitzed while the music was blaring and the sun hitting me hard through my punched out screen window, i miss sitting on the roof and smoking a cigg with heath, and going to the parties where the preps would hang with the hippies like they knew eachother all their life, and i miss fighting for something, i am not fighting for anything right now, i have no where to run to when my mom yells at me, i have no one to smoke with when school sucked, i have no reason to sneak out and stay up till school so i could have a story to tell, cause i did nothing but watched the kids in the day time, i miss justin, i miss smoking on the bleechers with him durring lunch and having to sneak through the boys locker room to get there, saying high to wrestling shroom heads on the way out, i guess i miss high school, it is all i think about, yeah granted i didn't graduate witht he rest of them, but i didn't want all those proud moments, i didn't want my accomplishments to be completeing something with everyone else, i would been happy with just having my parents to come to my choir concerts when i had a solo or not even, or coming to a SADD event that i hosted and cordinated, grr, lol fuck it, i am starting to forget that is all, i am forgetting everthing i want to remember and i am remembering everything i want to forget, i hate it so much, it means nothing is going on for me right now that i am going to remember in my life, nothing big enough to make me remember for the rest of my life, so i write it, i should write in my journal and i will but i am here right now, and i had to much on my mind to find a pen, or pencil, I need to find a drumset.

The times are changin~ Bob Dylan