I've got nothing to say, but it's okay
(good morning)
okay, where to begin...
I haven't written anything down in a long while; this entry is going to be a doozy. I've been meaning to, though, since keeping an actual hand-written journal is a habit I'm rather keen on picking up again. There's nothing of major importance to write about, just feelings and all of that wonderfully horrific shit that've been hovering in a little cloud above my head.
I need to start drinking more spiked hot chocolate. it's rather soothing (sort of like ewan mcgregor).
Since I crashed into Cromwell, CT, things have been slow, if that. more like stagnant. Sleep has now more than ever become a pacifier for my anxiety. this is not good, because as we all know sleep doesn't make problems go away. if it did then I'd be worry free by now. on top of sleeping too much, I've been sleeping bad hours. bedtime has been pushed from 2am to 6am, and morning is often times not till after dark. in several efforts to correct this sleeping problem I've been pulling all-nighters. I haven't slept well in over a week, averaging 5 hours of solid sleep a night, the rest of the time just laying there trying. it's not a fun time.
the highlights of my life in cromwell have been the times I wasn't here. go figure. I spent 3 weeks in new jersey in the beginning of october, went to my baby cousin Matthew's baptism and spent time with my cousin and her bf. I started talking to a boy from her town that she knows, but I'll vent about that in a paragraph or two.
halloween was a blast. it's my favorite holiday and I was determined to make it back to Pittsburgh and make it a memorable one. I caused a lot of trouble within my family, but in the end it was worth it. I stayed with amber and we partied relentlessly for a week. all in all it was one for the books.
the day I got back from PA my dad and I drove out to jersey for renee's birthday. Enter: Phil. Phil is a tall, funny, blonde-haired and blue-eyed hippie child whose eye I caught when he saw me in my Tool hoodie at wal-mart. he's got a couple of tattoos, a couple of piercings and a deep voice. he's pretty cool. we finally got to hang out that visit and I spent the night with him. it was fun, then I went home.
I met a friend in Cromwell named Kat, she's also a pretty cool girl. a week after I got back from new jersey we hosted a house waming event and had most of our family come out from jersey. renee, erick and phil all came up and spent the night with me. again, I had a blast. we got stoned and drunk in my room and stayed up all night. the next morning we went out to breakfast, came home and watched slither while cuddling with our respective boys. they went home and I was sad, naturally.
we headed back to NJ once more for thanksgiving. due to traffic and the fact that we have to go through NYC to get there, what should have been a 3 hour trip took 6. that was GAY because we missed dinner at my aunts house. but whatever, we had to eat again with ericks family anyway. after dinner at ericks we went over to ryan's house. ryan is a friend of renee's who lives with his mom, 3 brothers and about 4 of his friends. needless to say, it's a fun house to chill at. phil was there among a shit load of other heads, so we got drunk and watched "I shouldn't be alive" or whatever on the discovery chanel. friday night we were supposed to go bowling with a few of her friends but it was league night, so we opted for a movie instead. phil wanted to see The Pick of Destiny but it wasn't playing. renee and I suggested Happy Feet. it was an awesome movie and everyone loved it but him. he thought it was a little ridiculous. we spent a good deal of the movie making out. after the movie we went to a diner, and renee found a hair in her calamari.
on saturday renee, erick and I went to phils house to get our drink on and hang out for a while. I ended up spending the night and only got a few hours of sleep. today my body is aching pretty badly. I just don't know what to do about the situation as a whole. I like him a lot, and I think he likes me the same. its just one of those things where...I live 3 hours away and don't have my own car. he has a car, and I'll have my own soon, I just don't know. we'll have to see. I'm too shy to talk to him about it and see where we stand.
my stepmom and I have been through some shit over the last few months but I've also been more open to talk things out with her. if I want things to work well for me I have to try to make this whole "family" thing be somewhat functional.
if you even make it down this far, thanks for reading. I'm out of words right now. I'll probably write more later.
okay, where to begin...
I haven't written anything down in a long while; this entry is going to be a doozy. I've been meaning to, though, since keeping an actual hand-written journal is a habit I'm rather keen on picking up again. There's nothing of major importance to write about, just feelings and all of that wonderfully horrific shit that've been hovering in a little cloud above my head.
I need to start drinking more spiked hot chocolate. it's rather soothing (sort of like ewan mcgregor).
Since I crashed into Cromwell, CT, things have been slow, if that. more like stagnant. Sleep has now more than ever become a pacifier for my anxiety. this is not good, because as we all know sleep doesn't make problems go away. if it did then I'd be worry free by now. on top of sleeping too much, I've been sleeping bad hours. bedtime has been pushed from 2am to 6am, and morning is often times not till after dark. in several efforts to correct this sleeping problem I've been pulling all-nighters. I haven't slept well in over a week, averaging 5 hours of solid sleep a night, the rest of the time just laying there trying. it's not a fun time.
the highlights of my life in cromwell have been the times I wasn't here. go figure. I spent 3 weeks in new jersey in the beginning of october, went to my baby cousin Matthew's baptism and spent time with my cousin and her bf. I started talking to a boy from her town that she knows, but I'll vent about that in a paragraph or two.
halloween was a blast. it's my favorite holiday and I was determined to make it back to Pittsburgh and make it a memorable one. I caused a lot of trouble within my family, but in the end it was worth it. I stayed with amber and we partied relentlessly for a week. all in all it was one for the books.
the day I got back from PA my dad and I drove out to jersey for renee's birthday. Enter: Phil. Phil is a tall, funny, blonde-haired and blue-eyed hippie child whose eye I caught when he saw me in my Tool hoodie at wal-mart. he's got a couple of tattoos, a couple of piercings and a deep voice. he's pretty cool. we finally got to hang out that visit and I spent the night with him. it was fun, then I went home.
I met a friend in Cromwell named Kat, she's also a pretty cool girl. a week after I got back from new jersey we hosted a house waming event and had most of our family come out from jersey. renee, erick and phil all came up and spent the night with me. again, I had a blast. we got stoned and drunk in my room and stayed up all night. the next morning we went out to breakfast, came home and watched slither while cuddling with our respective boys. they went home and I was sad, naturally.
we headed back to NJ once more for thanksgiving. due to traffic and the fact that we have to go through NYC to get there, what should have been a 3 hour trip took 6. that was GAY because we missed dinner at my aunts house. but whatever, we had to eat again with ericks family anyway. after dinner at ericks we went over to ryan's house. ryan is a friend of renee's who lives with his mom, 3 brothers and about 4 of his friends. needless to say, it's a fun house to chill at. phil was there among a shit load of other heads, so we got drunk and watched "I shouldn't be alive" or whatever on the discovery chanel. friday night we were supposed to go bowling with a few of her friends but it was league night, so we opted for a movie instead. phil wanted to see The Pick of Destiny but it wasn't playing. renee and I suggested Happy Feet. it was an awesome movie and everyone loved it but him. he thought it was a little ridiculous. we spent a good deal of the movie making out. after the movie we went to a diner, and renee found a hair in her calamari.
on saturday renee, erick and I went to phils house to get our drink on and hang out for a while. I ended up spending the night and only got a few hours of sleep. today my body is aching pretty badly. I just don't know what to do about the situation as a whole. I like him a lot, and I think he likes me the same. its just one of those things where...I live 3 hours away and don't have my own car. he has a car, and I'll have my own soon, I just don't know. we'll have to see. I'm too shy to talk to him about it and see where we stand.
my stepmom and I have been through some shit over the last few months but I've also been more open to talk things out with her. if I want things to work well for me I have to try to make this whole "family" thing be somewhat functional.
if you even make it down this far, thanks for reading. I'm out of words right now. I'll probably write more later.