House - 4x14 - Living the Dream
The episode opens at a television set, where they're filming that soap opera that House is so fond of watching when he's supposed to be working. It's... pretty bad. Though for once bad acting is intentional.
"The fans are crap. I'm crap. This whole damn show is crap."
The actor walks out, signing a few autographs for some fans, before getting into his car. He notices that the driver's going in the wrong direction, and he asks him what's going on. Only for the driver to turn around and reveal on Dr. Gregory House. Who's apparently moved onto kidnapping.
It seems that House thinks that the actor's dying. *pause* At least, I hope that's what he means.
At the hospital, Cuddy's dealing with an inspector.
[House pulls the car to a stop in front of them and salutes Cuddy.]
Inspector: Who is that?
Cuddy: I have no idea.
House gets out and opens the door, and the actor jerks away from him. He promises not to press charges if House lets him go, at which point the good doctor informs him that he has a brain tumor.
The actor's eyes widen in recognition.
Evan: You're that nut job doctor that keeps calling my publicist!
House: Actually, I'm the nut job head of diagnostic medicine.
Hee! House tells him that he doesn't care if he dies. All that matters to him is that his character on the soap opera lives.
Evan's skeptical, but House starts throwing out facts. He still thinks that House is nuts, but he's willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. For now.
House: Just one test. If there's nothing wrong, I'll take you right back home.
Evan: Make it cab fare. I don't want you anywhere near my house.
Upstairs, Cuddy is meeting with the doctors to let them know what's going on and ask that they try to behave for the inspector. Then she asks Chase, Foreman, and Cameron to hang around for a minute.
Cuddy: Why is House driving a limo?
Foreman: Don't know.
Cameron: Don't have to know.
Chase: Don't care?
Cuddy: Wrong. Until this inspection is over, you're back on House watch.
Chase asks her if he'll be fired if he doesn't agree to it, and then he leaves when she says "no."
"The last time I checked the ER, you had the best kept charts in the building. The last time I checked the fourth floor janitor's closet, I found House's charts."
She tells Foreman to keep an eye on House's current case. Cameron's put in charge of fixing up the paperwork for his past ones.
Foreman: He doesn't have a current case.
Cuddy: Did he tell you about the limo?
As they're running the tests, House pumps Evan for spoilers about the show. He refuses to talk about it at first, and then House points out that the more he talks then the faster he'll get out of there.
Foreman comes in, and House immediately knows that Cuddy's put him on baby-sitting duty.
"I just parked a town car in an ambulance bay in an ambulance bay, and instead of ripping me one Cuddy acted as if she didn't know me. It's either an inspection or an aneurysm."
House tells him that the test shows that his suspicions were correct. Then Foreman glances over his shoulder and says that he's lying. The test says that his vision's normal.
Evan: You lied to me?
House: I kidnapped you. [Foreman does a double take.] You're surprised that I lied to you?
Evan gets up and walks out.
Foreman: You kidnapped him?
House: It's sweet that I haven't lost the ability to surprise you.
In the hall, poor Wilson comes limping up. He's killed his back.
"Are you mocking me?"
Hee! House grabs the elevator that Evan's in and steps in, with Wilson following. Poor Wilson doesn't have a clue what House is doing.
Evan casually starts dialing a number on his phone, probably the cops. House quickly reaches out and jabs him with a needle, before going back the conversation he was having. Wilson just stares at him as Evan collapses.
Wilson: What the hell are you doing?
House: He needs an MRI.
As they're giving him the MRI, Thirteen asks why he's sedated. House gives them a nice fake story, before Taub points out that he recognizes him from the soap opera.
Evan doesn't have a tumor.
House: [surprised] He's fine?
Thirteen: And awake.
He quickly pulls himself out of the MRI machine and starts looking around in confusion.
"See if you can talk him out of suing me."
Evan goes storming out of the elevator, yelling for Cuddy. Then he collapses as his leg goes numb.
Evan: What did he do to me?
Cuddy: What did House do?
Now that he can't walk, the Ducklings are actually viewing it as a case. Cameron's in the background, working on the paperwork that Cuddy asked her to do.
Taub: He already kidnapped and sedated the guy against his will. Makes sense he'd also do something to numb his foot so he couldn't leave.
House: What doesn't make sense is to include a symptom that he caused in a differential he's so desperate to solve.
Cameron: Unless he didn't mean to cause it.
Cameron points out that House didn't exactly ease Evan to the floor when he sedated him. There's a good chance that he pinched a nerve when he collapsed to the floor.
House: Kutner, leave the room. Wait thirty minutes, come back and tell her the test was negative.
Kutner: Is it okay if I use that time to do the test?
Hee! Cameron asks the Ducklings to help her with the paperwork, but he has "research" for them to do.
Have I mentioned lately that I love Kutner? He really is adorable.
House is making the team watch episodes of the soap opera. They're... not impressed.
Thirteen: That's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. [leans forward] I think I dated that nurse though.
[House and Taub both lean forward as well.]
Cuddy shows up, and she's not happy. With House or Foreman.
"You have an obsession with an actor or the character he plays. I feel for you. You need to work it out. But you need to do it when the hospital's accreditation and my job are not on the line."
House: You want the star of the hottest daytime drama on TV to die in your hospital?
Cuddy: No, I want you to cure him without committing any more felonies.
House: Well, I can't do my job if you're gonna tie my hands like that.
The test that Kutner ran was negative, so it means that the foot's a real symptom. House insists that it's possibly a toxin, because he wants to search his set, dressing room, and home.
Cut the the mattress store, where Wilson and Amber are trying to buy a mattress. Wilson's about to buy one that they like, but Amber insists that it's too expensive. Because she's pregnant and her husband has just been laid off.
She's trying her best to talk the salesperson down to a lower price before being called away to work. As she leaves, she tells Wilson that he can choose whatever mattress that he wants.
Wilson immediately calls House to tell him that he was wrong.
"Amber doesn't do passive aggressive."
House sees the actress who plays the nurse go walking by, and he hangs up on Wilson to go stalk her.
Meanwhile, the sales clerk comes up and tells Wilson that his manager said the lower price would be fine. Leaving him to decide which to go with.
The actress says that they never had sex while they were dating, and House gets an epiphany. He thinks that Evan's impotent because of his diet.
Cameron: Just because he didn't do it doesn't mean he can't.
House: Can you find out where that voice keeps coming from and tell it to get out of my head?
Before House can even ask, Cameron tells him that she's not going to show him her breasts. He turns to Thirteen, who merely raises an eyebrow.
House: Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?
Cameron: Your porn's in the second drawer.
And House actually follows through with that suggestion.
Evan finishes very, very quickly, and then he starts going into cardiac arrest.
Even though she's not a member of his team anymore, Cameron keeps throwing in suggestions as if it's old times.
House: Anybody else want to run a useless test while Brock's thyroid plots its next lethal move.
[All three of the Ducklings raise their hands.]
House: It was rhetorical.
Thirteen: You were sure about B6 toxicity too.
Foreman: House is right.
[Everyone turns to stare at him.]
House: Seriously? I mean, I am. But you think so?
Foreman leaves, and the other three follow him. It was all a bluff.
Hee! House steals food from the lounge and hides it in the morgue, so that people won't steal it back.
He knows that the inspector's going to be there any minute, and he's trying to convince Cuddy to fold and give him the TV that he wants. She finally gives in and lets him have the TV, if he'll just shut up and leave her the hell alone.
Cameron's finished House's paperwork, and she brings it in to stack on his desk.
"I'll be doing a dance of joy just as soon as my leg is healed."
Cameron: I miss the job. I miss running around playing private investigator. I miss... the puzzles.
House: Seriously, I'll fire Thirteen. Or Kutner, if you think Thirteen is hot.
Cameron: I don't miss you.
According to the test, Evan's thyroid looks normal. His body's not filtering the iodine, though, so it's killing his kidneys.
"It must be the rancid tinge of betrayal that's put me off."
Okay, I'm really liking Taub too. He just jumps in and stops the House/Foreman fight before it can get too bad.
Cut to Wilson and Amber breaking in the new bed. The moment she drops down on it, her eyes open in realization and she pretty much stops reacting.
Amber: You bought the firm mattress.
Wilson: I thought that's the one you wanted.
Amber: It was. Why would you do that?
Wilson: Because... is this a trick question?
Amber: I left it up to you. You were supposed to get the one you wanted.
Wilson: I got the one you wanted because I love you.
Amber: No. You did it because that's what you do. With all your ex-wives, you did whatever they wanted because it was easier and you ended up resenting them. Don't you dare do that to me.
Wilson: What? Take care of you?
Amber: Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you.
She gets up and leaves the room, leaving Wilson staring blankly into space. He didn't expect that reaction.
There's the lupus mention for the week.
Evan: I just want to do something that matters.
House: Nothing matters.
"Life is dangerous and complicated, and it's a long way down."
Evan starts quoting lines from the previous season. House recognizes them and immediately starts quoting them along with him. It's obvious that Evan's out of it. His temperature's out the roof, and he's convinced that he's his character.
Hee! House goes to the mattress place to lie down, while Wilson tries to find a new one.
"I want a water bed."
I love the double take that House does when Wilson admits that fact.
House: You don't deserve to be happy.
Wilson: And yet I am. You?
House notices the flower pattern on the bed he's on, and he gets a new idea. He thinks that it's an allergy, not an infection.
"Never beats rarely."
House wants to do one thing, and Foreman wants to do something else. The pharmacist refuses to give House what he wants, and he calls Cuddy.
House: If you think I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. Don't talk about protocol.
Cuddy: My job's on the line. Your job is on the line.
House: Okay, here's what you do. You wait three minutes and then you call security. By the time they get here and lock me up, I'll be done. He gets to live and your ass gets to be covered.
Cuddy: [long pause] If he dies, let me know. So I can pack my things.
The various members of the team watch Evan through the night, waiting to see what happens. The Ducklings keep running their tests, just in case.
The tests are negative for all floral allergies.
Cuddy tells House and rushes off, leaving him standing in the middle of the hallway with this utterly shocked look on his face. That's not what he expected to hear.
When they get down to Evan's room, he's awake. Even though the tests were negative, it worked.
Foreman: It was an allergy.
House: To what?
Evan: Thank you.
House: I was wrong. [to Cuddy] You should have stopped me.
Cut to later that night, when the inspector shows up in Cuddy's office. He's not happy.
Back at Amber's apartment, she wakes up in the middle of the night to find the other side of the bed empty. He's sleeping on the floor.
Amber: What are you doing out here?
Wilson: I can't sleep. I hate the water bed.
Amber: I actually kind of like it.
Wilson: No, it's awful. We're returning it tomorrow.
Amber: I'm glad you got it though.
Wilson: Me too.
House is sitting in his office, watching the soap opera on his new TV. He sees Evan take a drink on the screen, and he realizes something.
So he calls Cuddy in the middle of the night. The hospital received a $200,000 fine, but Cuddy wasn't fire.
Then he tells her that Evan's allergic to quinine. On the show, his character's been downing gin and tonics - and, even though the gin's not real, the tonic was.
Cuddy: I'm taking back the TV.
House: I saved his life!
Cuddy: That wasn't the deal.
House: The contract clearly stated no takesie backsies.
Cuddy: Goodnight, House.
House: What are you wearing?
Cuddy: [smiles] Goodnight, House.
House: Goodnight, Cuddy.
And he starts to smile as he hangs up. He figured out what was wrong with the patient, and that's what matters to him.