My mind; Skipping a beat, it still plays...

[setsunamudo]

Things are difficult, Once again I feel that I've investid myself in a relationship, sewn part of myself into the patchwork that is our love, only to have the thread ripped out, over; and over. This time it's more of a neglectful, decietfull, destructive relationship. I re-read her past LJ posts, translate the ones of a foreign tongue to find no mention of the one they claim to be so important. Discover ones that I have no context to, inscriptions left cryptic allowing my imagination to break free of the leash I had held it back with, allowing it to run rampant within my skull. The lies, the truths, they all blur, the trust has shrivilled up and died, the beautiful plant that we had nurtured and cared for over the year we've been together has been clear cut, the pruning operation was a failure and she cut too deep. I feel as though I've given everything I can, I've tried to help her along the way, when her life got fucked up I was there, I tried to be her rock but I was a peble in her shoe, the hitchhiker nagging at her for some attention on her way to something she decided was more important. When I met her, shit was fucked up with her parents, I wanted to be there for her, when she was being tossed around, threatened by her captor, I was there to help her out of the pit she'd put herself in. I handed her the book I had written, with instructions on how to live a meaningfull, healthy life, but the she forgot the book in her car and the engine caught fire. The ashes fluttered into the sky; I found myself standing in a nothingness with my lessons thrown back in my face. The pieces put themselves back together and I handed her the book again, it was ditched at a bus stop and the rain made the ink run off the pages. The ink got homesick and found it's way back into the book. I left the book on her bed but in a fit of rage she tore the pages out and threw them at me while I wasn't looking. I've tried to provide what I could for her, I've tried to do everything I could as a loving, caring, lover. Now I'm controlling her life, I see the error in their ways and I want to prevent that from entering her life because sooner or later it will, but she can't accept that. I always live up to my word, I call when I say I'm going to, I show up at the designated destination, I say I'm going to do something, I do it! I don't allow obstacles to get in the way, the nagging cell phone that I can't seem to throw away dies when I'm around you, the friends that've been begging to see me for weeks are promised a visit on a later date, The family brings you in, I give you a safe haven and you lose the key, the origins of your jealousy have been weaded out in attempts to relieve that tension out of respect for you and how you might feel. Never once have I turned my back on you, the times that you've wanted to run away from it all and give up on us I've held you in my arms to keep you there, even when I was the one who had been injured, even when it was my trust being broken, even when it was my heart that needed to be pieced back together, I never once left, never once told you I couldn't do it and didn't; never once allowed myself to break down and give up. But we're not the same person, and it seems that you want to be a part of those things that I know will destroy us; the things that I know will destroy you. And I'm left to my devices to discover the truth, "it's goin down, meet me at da club" I'm left with my tormenting imagination to fill in the blanks. Remembering all the excuses, your credibility ran out long ago and the buck is always conviniently passed. I don't know that I'm cared for anymore...I don't know that you want to be with me. What was the last thing that you went out of your way to do for me? How often do you show me that you love me? How am I supposed to know that you trust me? care about me? love me? think of me? respect me? tell me the truth? I need to know...I would say I need a break but if I do my imagination would finally track down my sanity and devour it in a single mouthfull....I know that you've changed, you aren't the same person you were. With your forgotten grammar you've forgotten who you were. The roots of who we were have been taken out and replanted. This relationship needs to be taken into the shop for repairs, it's broken down on the side of the road and I can't push it to the shop by myself. I only pray that you've got enough to cover your half of the expense, without it we can't go any farther. And the last thing I need is to be stuck out here in the middle of nowhere on my own.

Throw Me Away

Flesh wound, Flesh wound
with medication it will fade
should I assume?
That someone hears me when I pray?

Love, full of hate
dont you love how I break?

Don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
Keep me and I'll be okay
Uh-huh
skipping a beat but it plays
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away

screwed up, used up
crumpled, lying on the floor
fucked up, shut up
all you did back then was score

I'm feeling weak
Missing parts, Incomplete

Don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
Keep me and I'll be okay
Uh-huh
skipping a beat but it plays
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away

Hold me up into the light
Fix the cracks and fix them right
Keep the pieces in the drawer
Keep them there forever more
May come in use some day
Recycle this shit in some way
And all that I have to say
Don't let them throw me away

Don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
Keep me and I'll be okay
Uh-huh
skipping a beat but it plays
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away
Uh-huh
don't let them throw me away