(no subject)
I am not too keen on Christmas this year. It's my favorite holiday, and it only comes around once a year, which is why it's really sort of sad that I'm not happy about it.
I like my Christmas gifts, and they're nice, and there are plenty of them - I don't think that's the problem. It's that my father delegated the Christmas shopping to my mother this year. I didn't ask for a lot of things, maybe three or four, because I honestly thought he'd do what he's always done in the past, which meant pulling off really great, really surprising gifts that I loved and that meant a lot to me and that were things I'd probably never have thought of for myself, but that I totally loved. It meant he knew my taste in clothing, my taste in music, and that someone cared enough to know all that. And this year, I got cosmetics and candy and jewelry, which is all really nice and I really like a lot, and I did get the comforter I asked for, but it's like - it's the default gift for girls, and it means my mother didn't bother to find out that I'd been listening to the Be Good Tanyas and get me a CD, or know that I really love green and needed a turtleneck, and got me one of those.
My Mum hasn't really worked this year, too, so there were a lot of small gifts, which would have been totally okay, if they'd been gifts that meant something. I do not in fact need razors and shaving cream and more shampoo, and while I'm still grateful, I'm a bit hurt over the fact that because I didn't spell things out, I got duplicates of a bunch of my sister's gifts. Mascara makes her happy. I don't even wear it much.
Plus, my parents gave me money, which sort of screams, "I didn't have time to think about what you really wanted!" And my Dad knows I am horrible about spending money on myself, and that I mostly just put it away.
And I feel really ungrateful and awful because they got me the messenger bag I asked for but it's got to go back because it's huge and not something I can carry around with me. And they gave my sister clothes despite the fact that my Dad said he wasn't giving clothes this year, which really fails to thrill me because there were some things I needed that I didn't bother to ask for because he'd said no clothes, so I didn't ask for bras or a new pair of khakis or sweaters and sweatshirts.
And I got a bunch of gifts that I'm going to have to find something to do with because I got perfume (allergic) and dark chocolate (migraine-inducing) and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by just being like, "Oh, here, Cathryn!" I guess I can always take the money I got and go shopping for the things I wanted, but it's really not the same when you're buying it for yourself, and my Dad never would have gotten those things for me, because he knows all the things that make me sick and that I can't eat.
I'm cranky and feeling put out and maybe I'll engage in some retail therapy later, after I pack, but this has not really been a good holiday, topping off a really bad year, and I mostly just feel guilty, because there are plenty of people who don't get presents at all. I'm just tired of the prevailing theme of this year, which seems to be my father being too busy for me and leaving things to my mother, who doesn't know me and hasn't bothered to try.
At least my Dad really liked the gift I got him, and I'm hoping a couple other people like theirs, too.
And my best gift this Christmas was definitely our cat - he'd never had a Christmas with us before, and before this morning, he completely ignored the tree and all the gifts. But today, he was batting at ornaments, crawling in boxes, and stealing bows. Eventually he fell asleep on a box.
And I did get a tin of the Best Tasting Lip Gloss Ever, from my aunt, so that's something. And sheafrotherdon sent truly lovely gifts that I've been using all month. And I've got guppies.
And as promised, for copperbadge, who totally sent an e-mail at exactly the right moment and made me cry, a puppy. Or, an aardwolf and then a bunch of puppies, just in case the first looks too much like a rat. I love you.
