I feel like all I ever do on here is whine?
Hello loves. -hugs- Life has not been improving, but it's going to starting NOW.
I had a serious reality check today. Taken to the ER, and after a bit the nurse looked at me and said very seriously "These are your options. You can choose to go voluntarily into the mental unit, and since you're 18 you'll be in the adult section. Or if you refuse we can force you to go involuntarily. Because you need help."
Luckily, with my mom vouching for me, we managed to convince them that I will get better, I'm seeing doctors all this week and blahblah.
But, it's just. When I was in the mental unit before, it helped me. It did, but it was NOT a good experience at all, and not something I ever want to repeat. Not to mention at least I was with people my own age since I had been in the adolescent unit.
The thought that I could be forced into something that I DO NOT WANT, that I desperately frantically want to avoid with every fiber of my being is fucking terrifying to me.
And then there's the fact that if I hadn't confided in my (amazingly understanding) school nurse that I had been walking to the art room to take a blade to myself, I wouldn't be in this situation. If I hadn't told anyone, this wouldn't have happened.
Which I know is a bad thought, but what happens next time? What happens a few weeks or months or years down the road when I spiral down again? If I tell someone, will I be thrown into a mental institution again, a place that I understand is there to make me safe and heal me but just doesn't work for me?
It's just weird having no free will, having no choice of what you have to do. And then it hurts seeing my mom start to cry after the nurse leaves because she's afraid that she's made a mistake by convincing the nurse to let me come home.
So I have to try. I have ONE MORE MONTH of school.
ONE. MONTH.
I have been struggling with school attendance for... five years? And I'm so close I can taste it. I can't fail now.
It's weird cause I've always missed a ton of school. I rarely go a full week. I still manage to get almost all A grades though, while taking college level courses and honors classes. Right now though I'm failing like all my classes? Just cause I haven't gone to a full day of school in a month. So I have a lot of make up work to do. And it doesn't matter if I get straight C's, I'll be GRADUATED and done and ready for the next phase of my life.
I have my worries about college, about being away from home and having to start new circles of friends and dealing with my issues alone. But I want to try. I don't want to die anymore. And that was hard to type... but I don't. I'm going to live.
I appreciate you all being here for me. And I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on much lately. :/ I'm taking things one step at a time right now. And hopefully soon I'll be back to checking LJ several times a day plus I'll be a high school grad hell yeah!
rambly incoherent post now over
I had a serious reality check today. Taken to the ER, and after a bit the nurse looked at me and said very seriously "These are your options. You can choose to go voluntarily into the mental unit, and since you're 18 you'll be in the adult section. Or if you refuse we can force you to go involuntarily. Because you need help."
Luckily, with my mom vouching for me, we managed to convince them that I will get better, I'm seeing doctors all this week and blahblah.
But, it's just. When I was in the mental unit before, it helped me. It did, but it was NOT a good experience at all, and not something I ever want to repeat. Not to mention at least I was with people my own age since I had been in the adolescent unit.
The thought that I could be forced into something that I DO NOT WANT, that I desperately frantically want to avoid with every fiber of my being is fucking terrifying to me.
And then there's the fact that if I hadn't confided in my (amazingly understanding) school nurse that I had been walking to the art room to take a blade to myself, I wouldn't be in this situation. If I hadn't told anyone, this wouldn't have happened.
Which I know is a bad thought, but what happens next time? What happens a few weeks or months or years down the road when I spiral down again? If I tell someone, will I be thrown into a mental institution again, a place that I understand is there to make me safe and heal me but just doesn't work for me?
It's just weird having no free will, having no choice of what you have to do. And then it hurts seeing my mom start to cry after the nurse leaves because she's afraid that she's made a mistake by convincing the nurse to let me come home.
So I have to try. I have ONE MORE MONTH of school.
ONE. MONTH.
I have been struggling with school attendance for... five years? And I'm so close I can taste it. I can't fail now.
It's weird cause I've always missed a ton of school. I rarely go a full week. I still manage to get almost all A grades though, while taking college level courses and honors classes. Right now though I'm failing like all my classes? Just cause I haven't gone to a full day of school in a month. So I have a lot of make up work to do. And it doesn't matter if I get straight C's, I'll be GRADUATED and done and ready for the next phase of my life.
I have my worries about college, about being away from home and having to start new circles of friends and dealing with my issues alone. But I want to try. I don't want to die anymore. And that was hard to type... but I don't. I'm going to live.
I appreciate you all being here for me. And I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on much lately. :/ I'm taking things one step at a time right now. And hopefully soon I'll be back to checking LJ several times a day plus I'll be a high school grad hell yeah!
rambly incoherent post now over