so here it is huh?
fuck it
get it out
let it fly
and be open once again
free your mind
open your heart
and you can soar
above the clouds
to where thoughts can be
all that they are
passions can blossom
love can bloonm
and it you can truely be free
that's where I wish to be
Now.. everytime I make a post like this.. I get a billion replies.. I don't want any, I don't need to hear it. I know whatever it is you're going to say already. I don't need to be told, I love you guys, all my friends way to much.. Sometimes though, it's just not easy, and I have to get these thoughts out of my head, and with nobody to really tell them to, this is the best way to do it. That's what LJ is for.. It's my journal. Yes, I am depressed, it happens, I deal with it and go on. I just need to vent.. Doesn't mean anything, I don't want to kill myself, I am suicidal, and no I don't want to go on living. That's been known for a very long time. I'm still not going to do it, we all know this by now, thank you for worrying though. With that said, I can get on with it
I'm tired, I'm tired of living.. I'm tired of the same shit everyday no matter what I do. I'm tired of lonely, of searching, thinking, trying, of being at all. I don't want to try to fix it. I don't want to get a job, and work to go to school, to get a better job, so I can get better things.. It's a horrid cycle and in the end, we're all dead anyway, so who gives a shit? It's instanity, the whole world we live in is nuts and nobody seems to understand it. We are rats in a maze, and I don't want to do it. I want to cry, I want to curl up into a ball in the dark and cry myself to sleep half the time. Shit I can't sleep anymore anyways. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling trying not to think, so I can sleep. I don't dream anymore, I haven't in a very long time.. I have one saving grace in this life, my son. All I want in life is for him to have the greatest life he can, but I don't know how. I'm scared shitless that I can't do it, not for me, but for him. That I'm going to let him down, I don't want him to turn out like me. I want him to be happy. My depression will probably never go away, meds, therapy, nothing it going to really help it. So I deal, like I always have, and always will.
My friends, I love you all very much, and always will. Please understand me, as best as you can. You will never understand me fully, you can't, not until you've been where I have and walked in my shoes, and you can't do that. I hope and pray that none of you ever have to go through some of the things I have. We all go through things of our own, and for every man and woman it's different. I'm not the only one going through things, and don't want all the attention I get because of how bad off I am. My depression makes things worse, I hate having a pity party for myself everytime I get down, but if I don't talk, it builds up and gets worse, and I get more down. I have to let it out or risk going insane.
so many things eating away
at what's inside
tearing apart
all the dreams
that lift you up
and bring you to light
darkness swarming
over all that you are
never letting you rise
above all the death inside
the glimmer of hope
that died long ago
can not be relit
nor changed
arms raised to the heavens
in defiance of the rules
voice raised to screams
in challenges
"give me your worst,
I can take more than you,
can ever give.
I won't quit"
Never trying
never dying
always living
for nothing more
than the next sunset
death by apathy
get it out
let it fly
and be open once again
free your mind
open your heart
and you can soar
above the clouds
to where thoughts can be
all that they are
passions can blossom
love can bloonm
and it you can truely be free
that's where I wish to be
Now.. everytime I make a post like this.. I get a billion replies.. I don't want any, I don't need to hear it. I know whatever it is you're going to say already. I don't need to be told, I love you guys, all my friends way to much.. Sometimes though, it's just not easy, and I have to get these thoughts out of my head, and with nobody to really tell them to, this is the best way to do it. That's what LJ is for.. It's my journal. Yes, I am depressed, it happens, I deal with it and go on. I just need to vent.. Doesn't mean anything, I don't want to kill myself, I am suicidal, and no I don't want to go on living. That's been known for a very long time. I'm still not going to do it, we all know this by now, thank you for worrying though. With that said, I can get on with it
I'm tired, I'm tired of living.. I'm tired of the same shit everyday no matter what I do. I'm tired of lonely, of searching, thinking, trying, of being at all. I don't want to try to fix it. I don't want to get a job, and work to go to school, to get a better job, so I can get better things.. It's a horrid cycle and in the end, we're all dead anyway, so who gives a shit? It's instanity, the whole world we live in is nuts and nobody seems to understand it. We are rats in a maze, and I don't want to do it. I want to cry, I want to curl up into a ball in the dark and cry myself to sleep half the time. Shit I can't sleep anymore anyways. I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling trying not to think, so I can sleep. I don't dream anymore, I haven't in a very long time.. I have one saving grace in this life, my son. All I want in life is for him to have the greatest life he can, but I don't know how. I'm scared shitless that I can't do it, not for me, but for him. That I'm going to let him down, I don't want him to turn out like me. I want him to be happy. My depression will probably never go away, meds, therapy, nothing it going to really help it. So I deal, like I always have, and always will.
My friends, I love you all very much, and always will. Please understand me, as best as you can. You will never understand me fully, you can't, not until you've been where I have and walked in my shoes, and you can't do that. I hope and pray that none of you ever have to go through some of the things I have. We all go through things of our own, and for every man and woman it's different. I'm not the only one going through things, and don't want all the attention I get because of how bad off I am. My depression makes things worse, I hate having a pity party for myself everytime I get down, but if I don't talk, it builds up and gets worse, and I get more down. I have to let it out or risk going insane.
so many things eating away
at what's inside
tearing apart
all the dreams
that lift you up
and bring you to light
darkness swarming
over all that you are
never letting you rise
above all the death inside
the glimmer of hope
that died long ago
can not be relit
nor changed
arms raised to the heavens
in defiance of the rules
voice raised to screams
in challenges
"give me your worst,
I can take more than you,
can ever give.
I won't quit"
Never trying
never dying
always living
for nothing more
than the next sunset
death by apathy