another day
yes it's just another day, and I'm still alive. Lots of new things have occured to me lately. Lots of new things in my life. Lets start with the good stuff huh. Well I am not the lead singer for a rock band, we have 4 tracks, and should have vocals added to them this week, so hit me up if you want to hear us. I'm making some good friends, good people, not like those I thought were friends and haven't bothered to call me in over a month. Those aren't friends, fuck em.
Well my "wife" showed up to pick my son up, and of course, did her regular, went nuts over nothing. But what occured to me is this. She hates herself, and that's what she won't deal with or accept. Nothing more, nothing less. She's become everything she's ever hated. Either she doesn't see it, or doesn't want to, either way, I've also come to the conclussion, I deserve better. I love her, I always will love her, nothing can ever change that. I don't regret marrying her, I don't regret having a child with her, I never will. No regrets, just the past to learn from, as to not make the same mistake twice. I told her to give me her rings back tonight, she lied to me when she took them, I said "I Do" I meant it, she didn't. To many people now go into marriage lightly, and are to selfish to try to change to work things out, but yanno what? That's what a fucking marriage is, compromise, change, self sacrifice, it's work, it's a full time job. She prefers to be around her friends, of course she does, they don't see the way she is, they don't know her, I do. They see what she lets them, which is of course, the perfect angel side of her. *sighs* I miss her eyes, that's what I first fell in love with yanno, those beautiful eyes. First time I saw her, I knew I had to meet her, just because of those eyes.
Self confidence, self worth, self respect. I miss those, I need those back, she's taken those from me, ripped them away. I let myself get walked on by her for months. Hell I don't think I'm attractive, I know I have no self respect, and lord knows I feel like I'm not worth shit to anyone but my son. At least he appreciates and loves me. I miss him so much, I hate only having him two days a week. I told her, she could have everything, just give me him. She acts like he and I are an inconvience to her social life anyways, at least let him have one parent. What kind of mother doesn't get on the floor and play with her child? What kind of mother passes up a chance to spend more time with her son? Hell for 13 months she didn't spend a day at home alone with him, and always had an excuse. I'm tired of excuses, I really am, they mean nothing to me. I would give anything in the world to make sure my son doesn't turn out like her. I'm not a great person, I just do the best I can, but I know, I fucking know, I'm a better person than she is. I wasn't the perfect husband, nor am I the perfect father, but I tried the very best I could, and gave everything I have to both my wife and my son. At least it's good enough for him, he cries when he leaves, he's so excited to see me when he gets here, I sleep only because I know he loves his daddy.
Fathers Day is coming up, and to be honest, I expect nothing from her, not even a card, though I got her one from me and our son on Mothers Day. Fathers Day has a whole new meaning to me now, before it was something I did for my dad, now I am a dad. Yeah I was last year too, but my son was only 5 months old, I didn't even get a card. It hurts, really hurts not to be appreciated, again, at least he makes me feel needed. Without him, what am I doing here, what reason do I have for any of this, why go on?
Well my "wife" showed up to pick my son up, and of course, did her regular, went nuts over nothing. But what occured to me is this. She hates herself, and that's what she won't deal with or accept. Nothing more, nothing less. She's become everything she's ever hated. Either she doesn't see it, or doesn't want to, either way, I've also come to the conclussion, I deserve better. I love her, I always will love her, nothing can ever change that. I don't regret marrying her, I don't regret having a child with her, I never will. No regrets, just the past to learn from, as to not make the same mistake twice. I told her to give me her rings back tonight, she lied to me when she took them, I said "I Do" I meant it, she didn't. To many people now go into marriage lightly, and are to selfish to try to change to work things out, but yanno what? That's what a fucking marriage is, compromise, change, self sacrifice, it's work, it's a full time job. She prefers to be around her friends, of course she does, they don't see the way she is, they don't know her, I do. They see what she lets them, which is of course, the perfect angel side of her. *sighs* I miss her eyes, that's what I first fell in love with yanno, those beautiful eyes. First time I saw her, I knew I had to meet her, just because of those eyes.
Self confidence, self worth, self respect. I miss those, I need those back, she's taken those from me, ripped them away. I let myself get walked on by her for months. Hell I don't think I'm attractive, I know I have no self respect, and lord knows I feel like I'm not worth shit to anyone but my son. At least he appreciates and loves me. I miss him so much, I hate only having him two days a week. I told her, she could have everything, just give me him. She acts like he and I are an inconvience to her social life anyways, at least let him have one parent. What kind of mother doesn't get on the floor and play with her child? What kind of mother passes up a chance to spend more time with her son? Hell for 13 months she didn't spend a day at home alone with him, and always had an excuse. I'm tired of excuses, I really am, they mean nothing to me. I would give anything in the world to make sure my son doesn't turn out like her. I'm not a great person, I just do the best I can, but I know, I fucking know, I'm a better person than she is. I wasn't the perfect husband, nor am I the perfect father, but I tried the very best I could, and gave everything I have to both my wife and my son. At least it's good enough for him, he cries when he leaves, he's so excited to see me when he gets here, I sleep only because I know he loves his daddy.
Fathers Day is coming up, and to be honest, I expect nothing from her, not even a card, though I got her one from me and our son on Mothers Day. Fathers Day has a whole new meaning to me now, before it was something I did for my dad, now I am a dad. Yeah I was last year too, but my son was only 5 months old, I didn't even get a card. It hurts, really hurts not to be appreciated, again, at least he makes me feel needed. Without him, what am I doing here, what reason do I have for any of this, why go on?