(no subject)
When I started doing this again I was going to do it more as a "what I feel" blog rather than a "what I did" blog. "What I did" is good, too, since I can look back and remember things, but I've been neglecting the other part.
That said, I don't have anything super deep to say, so don't get any hopes up on that end.
I guess my main problem lately is that things don't excite me very much. I've experienced a lot and I guess nothing is really new anymore, so that may be part of it. And I'm stuck in a routine. Before I had high school, and I new college was coming. Then I had college for four years, and I new the "real world" was coming, and the "real world" is kind of IT, you know? That's the last stop, the "real world." The destination that everyone has been heading towards their whole life. 20-some years it took to get here, and it is just so underwhelming. It isn't the fact that I don't have a college-graduate-level job, honestly. I LIKE my job, that isn't the problem. The problem is the routine and the lack of future to look forward to. A job is the end, not the means, and the means was the fun part.
It isn't even just that. Anything that made life worth living - books, movies, television.. entertainment.. I haven't fallen in love with anything in that regard like I did when I was younger in a long time. The last time I fell in love with music was my early college years, with Elliott Smith, Eels, the Magnetic Fields, and Mogwai. If I had to pick four bands to represent my college years, those are it. And I haven't found any music in a long time that makes me feel how music used to make me feel. Same with movies, TV, pro wrestling. Video games. I don't enjoy things like I used to. And I think a lot of people make the mistake of blaming those things themselves; but the problem is within me, I think, nothing external.
So I'm kind of scared that this is what the rest of life is. Everyone always told me to enjoy my high school and college years, they're the best years of your life, and all that. And I thought "yeah right. This shit sucks," but they were right, I'm realizing. And I know that I didn't even make the best of what I could've, and that I'll never get a second chance at it, and that kills me too. Too often I think what I'd do differently at different points in my life, and then I realize its too late, its just.. not depressing, exactly, I'm not sure that theres a word for it.
Its so silly, you're supposed to "find yourself" when you're younger. Thats what people said, college/high school/etc. was about finding yourself. And I never ever felt that need, I knew who I was, and there wasn't really much to it. But NOW I feel that way, NOW I feel like I need to "find myself," whatever that even means, but its some weird feeling I never really had before until lately. That I want to make SOMETHING out of my life as it is.
The problem is that I don't know what my goal is. I don't know what makes me happy, I don't know what I should even be striving towards. And everything I do feels like I'm breaking down, rather than building up.
I guess it boils down to that. I want desperately to strive towards something, and I have no idea at all what is worth it.
That said, I don't have anything super deep to say, so don't get any hopes up on that end.
I guess my main problem lately is that things don't excite me very much. I've experienced a lot and I guess nothing is really new anymore, so that may be part of it. And I'm stuck in a routine. Before I had high school, and I new college was coming. Then I had college for four years, and I new the "real world" was coming, and the "real world" is kind of IT, you know? That's the last stop, the "real world." The destination that everyone has been heading towards their whole life. 20-some years it took to get here, and it is just so underwhelming. It isn't the fact that I don't have a college-graduate-level job, honestly. I LIKE my job, that isn't the problem. The problem is the routine and the lack of future to look forward to. A job is the end, not the means, and the means was the fun part.
It isn't even just that. Anything that made life worth living - books, movies, television.. entertainment.. I haven't fallen in love with anything in that regard like I did when I was younger in a long time. The last time I fell in love with music was my early college years, with Elliott Smith, Eels, the Magnetic Fields, and Mogwai. If I had to pick four bands to represent my college years, those are it. And I haven't found any music in a long time that makes me feel how music used to make me feel. Same with movies, TV, pro wrestling. Video games. I don't enjoy things like I used to. And I think a lot of people make the mistake of blaming those things themselves; but the problem is within me, I think, nothing external.
So I'm kind of scared that this is what the rest of life is. Everyone always told me to enjoy my high school and college years, they're the best years of your life, and all that. And I thought "yeah right. This shit sucks," but they were right, I'm realizing. And I know that I didn't even make the best of what I could've, and that I'll never get a second chance at it, and that kills me too. Too often I think what I'd do differently at different points in my life, and then I realize its too late, its just.. not depressing, exactly, I'm not sure that theres a word for it.
Its so silly, you're supposed to "find yourself" when you're younger. Thats what people said, college/high school/etc. was about finding yourself. And I never ever felt that need, I knew who I was, and there wasn't really much to it. But NOW I feel that way, NOW I feel like I need to "find myself," whatever that even means, but its some weird feeling I never really had before until lately. That I want to make SOMETHING out of my life as it is.
The problem is that I don't know what my goal is. I don't know what makes me happy, I don't know what I should even be striving towards. And everything I do feels like I'm breaking down, rather than building up.
I guess it boils down to that. I want desperately to strive towards something, and I have no idea at all what is worth it.