Fighting Wounded
I would lie if I said it doesn't hurt. I'm a fighter but it's tough to fight so many battles all at once. To win against the odds is always a motivating factor for me to try but how can I keep trying if you don't want to? I know you're scared. You're scared I will leave and you will be left hanging. However you must realise that is only a possibility whereas I am definitely left hanging while I am still here. It is all voluntary on my part though so I don't blame you. I just want you to see things from my perspective.
Sometimes I think some parents feel the same way about their kids. They know stuff is happening with them but they don't know enough to help. They don't want to judge but they can't help but do so when their kids wouldn't tell them exactly what's happening. Then they are acccused of being pushy/naggy/irritating etc. And it hurts them somewhat when they love their kids wholeheartedly and would do anything to help them; yet they would rather trust someone else who doesn't care as much.
On a different note,
Met Leroy yesterday finally! I told myself I would try to keep flashbacks to a minimum. I think I was quite successful at keeping events current during our meeting. However towards the end it was tough to refrain from bringing up the past. I really think one can only purge past demons out of their system if they are confronted head-on.....together with the people who were invovled. It's simply no good to "move-on" when there are so many questions still hanging in the air.
Till yesterday I would have myself believe I am now a well-balanced individual who has risen from the ashes from the past. The truth is deep inside I still feel unjustly hard done by. The imperfection of being human seems to have more severe consequences on me than on the others involved.
I talked to Leroy about an absolute morality. And I believe in that. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes; it simply means I believe we must judge by objective standards and make decisions baed on personal preference when it comes to matters that are meant for the greater good. In this context, "loyalty" is only a euphemism for protection. But if you have no hidden agenda, why would you fear being stabbed in the back?
I believe that an absolute point should have mutiple roads leading to it. There is no one perfect way of getting a job done. If evaluation and justification have been done, thereby ascertaining the intentions and feasibility of one's actions, any negative way of dealing or curbing with an anamoly should be considered biased and prejudiced. I do despise at times we exist in a system where the slighted and the marginalised are considered not worth investing in.
Ultimately we fail as a result of our own devices. We have understanding yet fail to act rightly when the time comes, often focusing on style and neglecting substance; performing an action yet not interested in fully grasping the depth of its meaning. To be fair, society as a whole is pretty much guilty all that. I do wonder sometimes if it is right to expect my leaders to be accountable to that same standard and still accord them respect and submission based on a higher standard.
I would love for someone to come alongside me and give me encouragement from time to time. As the years past, I fear to ask of this at the same frequency as I did years before. It is easier to believe and hope than to try and fail.
The wisdom in it all is that to believe and hope IS, often, to try and fail. Because hope is infinite and cannot be curbed, only rejected when we ecounter failure from the actions we pursue based on our beliefs. And because hope is everlasting, we are able to pick ourselves up, every single piece, even adding to ourselves from experience, before trying and failing again.
Until we succeed.
Now, that is truly worth looking FORWARD to.
Seth