PLEASE EVERYONE READ.....THIS IS ME
what if i did....what would happen...questions run through my head as I sit here in a state of confusion....im calm yet frantic...this is no longer a mental stress....it is physical...heart is racing...ive soaked my shirt with sweat....everything that has happened....everything that could happen....could mean nothing with one decision....the epic battle between the belief that things could get better and the belief that it is hopeless is still an ache in my head that i do not want anymore....anything good that happens, happens with an assurance that a consequence will ensue...ive learned this....by trial and error....the sad thing is I just live my life....im not trying to do anything....if i could have one full day of happiness without the inevitable contrast of the depression that smothers the flame all of this might be worth fighting for...temporary bliss...thats what i find myself living for now....its not enough....not even my the concern for my kin, which if nothing else i knew would prevent me from doing it, is putting up enough of a fight to bring my mind to equilibrium...to put me at ease....
my music....at least i have my music....or so i thought....how will i ever amount to anything if i ride the coat-tails of my dream...my dream to reach people with my music and for it to provide for me....my talent has its limits....and its faults....and now my time, that shouldnt be deemed free-time because of all the things i need to do to, is consumed by my "dream"...many people need a hobby to occupy their time....but i need more time to compensate for my hobby....and these chapters of my life that I compose with the accompany of my intrument and the darkness soothe....each song...its own chapter...each word a memoir....of the past.....the past that fueled the fire of my demise....so many things that i could put the blame on....lack of paternal presence in the time i needed it most....the over-emotional self involved mother....the wicked stepfather....the corruption of my brother....by myself...and lies...lies....everyday i lie...and every lie becomes a slowly rotting corpse in my closet....its putrid smell only detected by myself...this, how i live my life, the decisions that i make, and everything else in my life revolve soley around one thing
my needs....the things that everyone have that keep them going.....however my needs come hand in hand with my downfall....i must have a feeling that all is well with the people i care about....i try my hardest to make everyone like me....and in doing so i probably do much more hurt to others and myself than good...because of the complete overshadowing of my care for others when lust is involved....my lust affinity has grown so enormous that now most of my other needs revolve around this....i want love....i need lust....this reversal of the norm has hurt more than helped....for love to become more prominant, lust has to be completely dissolved....because i love a lot of people....but as the story goes...i am tempted by the fruit that sins my soul....because what is lust...but temporary bliss....for a reason i cannot defend, love is not enough anymore....nothing is enough for eternal happiness...or even 24 hours of happiness....i cant just live for short little moments of happiness....with the thorn that is not in my side...but in my brain....that no matter what i do i will never be good enough for me....and it digs deeper with everyday....its like i have no control over my thoughts....and its scary
this is me