Not that anyone who would read this cares but...
I went to rehab. Yes again. Yes I put up a fight at first. Yes, I am happy I went. Yes, I am happy this way. Yes, I know this won't last for long. And yes, I hate myself for the fact that I know I can't stay clean...
But I'm clean now. I want to stay this way. I honestly honestly do. I keep pushing everyone away. I've made enemies out of my bestest of friends, all because I was jealious or angry for whatever reason. I hate it. I hate myself looking back at everything i've said, it makes me discusted with myself.
Drugs can make you say crazy, horrible, awful things. Things you don't mean at all and after you crash, all that's left is regret, which makes you want to do it more because you can't deal with feeling that shitty about yourself.
It's no excuse. I'm done using this as an excuse. I'm thinking about making this a regular lj, to inspire me to be sober perhaps, and a bit more gentle with my words.
And sometimes, we love someone so much that we just let ourselves become numb and push them away, because if we really felt how much they ment to us, it would kill us.
Mel, I've ruined everything. I know this. I still want to be your friend more than anything. You were always the one that cared and believed in me no matter what I got myself into. When everyone else was going around saying I was a lost cause, you were the one that said I wasn't. Nobody cares like you do, you'll drop anything to help out a friend. I can't bear to think that you hate me. Nor can I bear to think of how much I've hurt you. Nothing I said was my place. No harmful thing I said was a true reflection of my intentions. I'm so sorry Mimza.
And Layla, the only reason i said anything I said was because I cared. I was definitely on the wrong end of knowing how to explain it
is all. Ryan and I aren't the best of friends, but you and I are, or at least, were, and I despised how he treated you. Maybe I saw things that I wanted to see simply because I didn't like you dating him. Nevertheless, I cannot apologise enough. You're the sweetest person. Layla, I really really am sorry.
I;d type out everyone else's name, but I can't breing myself to do so. I was just particularly unjustly terrible to the two above mentoned people, and I needed to apologise. But I do apologise to everyone else. I'm not the easiest person to care about, so I understand if no one does anymore...
I'm just trying to fix things.
But I'm clean now. I want to stay this way. I honestly honestly do. I keep pushing everyone away. I've made enemies out of my bestest of friends, all because I was jealious or angry for whatever reason. I hate it. I hate myself looking back at everything i've said, it makes me discusted with myself.
Drugs can make you say crazy, horrible, awful things. Things you don't mean at all and after you crash, all that's left is regret, which makes you want to do it more because you can't deal with feeling that shitty about yourself.
It's no excuse. I'm done using this as an excuse. I'm thinking about making this a regular lj, to inspire me to be sober perhaps, and a bit more gentle with my words.
And sometimes, we love someone so much that we just let ourselves become numb and push them away, because if we really felt how much they ment to us, it would kill us.
Mel, I've ruined everything. I know this. I still want to be your friend more than anything. You were always the one that cared and believed in me no matter what I got myself into. When everyone else was going around saying I was a lost cause, you were the one that said I wasn't. Nobody cares like you do, you'll drop anything to help out a friend. I can't bear to think that you hate me. Nor can I bear to think of how much I've hurt you. Nothing I said was my place. No harmful thing I said was a true reflection of my intentions. I'm so sorry Mimza.
And Layla, the only reason i said anything I said was because I cared. I was definitely on the wrong end of knowing how to explain it
is all. Ryan and I aren't the best of friends, but you and I are, or at least, were, and I despised how he treated you. Maybe I saw things that I wanted to see simply because I didn't like you dating him. Nevertheless, I cannot apologise enough. You're the sweetest person. Layla, I really really am sorry.
I;d type out everyone else's name, but I can't breing myself to do so. I was just particularly unjustly terrible to the two above mentoned people, and I needed to apologise. But I do apologise to everyone else. I'm not the easiest person to care about, so I understand if no one does anymore...
I'm just trying to fix things.