(no subject)
So a few weeks ago, the consultant at that place where I work stopped in my massage room to chat about some things. In our conversation, I mentioned that I was having a second date that night so I was fairly distracted as I was pretty excited about it. 
This guy, who is married and has several children, mostly daughters, looks me in the eye and says, "Now, Melissa, I don't want to overstep my bounds but I'd like to give you some advice. Would you mind my doing so?"
After my chaotic experiences with dating this past year, I partly feel like I've heard it all, but then I partly feel like I must be missing something, so I smiled and told him that I'm happy to hear whatever advice he has for me.
Now all the while looking me in the eye, sincere as can be, as if he's never said these words to anyone else in the universe before, he says, "First, you need to understand that you are a pearl of immeasurable worth. I mean that 100%. A pearl of immeasurable worth.
"I don't want to make any assumptions on how you do things these days, with dating and all, but, it needs to be clear to whoever you date, that if you let him so much as hold your hand, that is a privilege. A privilege. Not a right. A kiss is even more so."
He went on about how guys these days don't seem to get that and are not as respectful as they should be. It was such a sweet gesture that I had tears pricking the corners of my eyes. He also offered to translate guy-speak for me whenever I had need.
I do wish however that we'd had that conversation months ago. I've noted some odd instances in my recent dating with regard to holding hands. There was the one that moved faster than I liked, where the handsome lad, after kissing me, immediately took my hand, interlacing fingers with me as we continued our walk. Perhaps it's silly, perhaps it's not, but interlacing to me implies an intimacy deeper than a first kiss. But I liked the guy and it wasn't a big deal so I just let it go.
Another, more disturbing time, I was out with an older guy. During our conversation, I brought my own self to tears. At another point, far later, he asked if I was sure that I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I said that I was sure. Still, after leaving the restaurant, he insisted on giving me a hug because I'd been teary, even though it'd been hours earlier. And from the hug, which I pulled away from, he took my hand. I tried to subtly, casually just twist my hand loose from his grasp. In response, he held on tighter and forced his fingers through mine. Again, the unwanted interlacing. I responded by letting my hand go limp and refusing to make eye contact, I didn't want any part of it.
In one view, I've held hands with scores of people - romantic interests, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, children I've babysat, my nieces and nephew, even various platonic friends when they needed that solace. Every religious experience I've had, from the various types of "Passing of the Peace" handshakes in Christian churches to pagan rituals where hands are joined to set up sacred space, there is the holding of hands with (mostly, initially anyway) strangers. As a massage therapist, I touch people every day I work. So... what's the big deal? It's just a hand.
In another, this is my personal space. These are my hands. No one has the right to dictate what touch I tolerate. I do regret not setting firmer boundaries with older guy. It would have meant a long walk in 4" heels back to my car on non-pedestrian-friendly streets, though. It seemed like I was picking a lesser evil, tolerating that touch. The most ironic part is that this guy prided himself on being a Southern gentleman.
I think I've seen the best manners and had greatest respect shown to me while on a date from a guy from Ohio. Love the accent, but really, forget the South. :P
And that second date that started this post? Part of the reason I was so excited was because at the end of our first date, we're walking back to the car and I realized that we were holding hands. But only in the loosest, most casual sense of the thing. I took a moment to think how I felt about this, and realized two things, that it seemed totally appropriate for our time together and it felt entirely natural. While pulling away would have been incredibly easy, I really didn't feel the need. Instead, I smiled to myself and gave his hand a squeeze. He glanced down at me, smiled and squeezed back. While it's not the only reason, it's definitely a contributing factor as to why we're still dating a month later.
This guy, who is married and has several children, mostly daughters, looks me in the eye and says, "Now, Melissa, I don't want to overstep my bounds but I'd like to give you some advice. Would you mind my doing so?"
After my chaotic experiences with dating this past year, I partly feel like I've heard it all, but then I partly feel like I must be missing something, so I smiled and told him that I'm happy to hear whatever advice he has for me.
Now all the while looking me in the eye, sincere as can be, as if he's never said these words to anyone else in the universe before, he says, "First, you need to understand that you are a pearl of immeasurable worth. I mean that 100%. A pearl of immeasurable worth.
"I don't want to make any assumptions on how you do things these days, with dating and all, but, it needs to be clear to whoever you date, that if you let him so much as hold your hand, that is a privilege. A privilege. Not a right. A kiss is even more so."
He went on about how guys these days don't seem to get that and are not as respectful as they should be. It was such a sweet gesture that I had tears pricking the corners of my eyes. He also offered to translate guy-speak for me whenever I had need.
I do wish however that we'd had that conversation months ago. I've noted some odd instances in my recent dating with regard to holding hands. There was the one that moved faster than I liked, where the handsome lad, after kissing me, immediately took my hand, interlacing fingers with me as we continued our walk. Perhaps it's silly, perhaps it's not, but interlacing to me implies an intimacy deeper than a first kiss. But I liked the guy and it wasn't a big deal so I just let it go.
Another, more disturbing time, I was out with an older guy. During our conversation, I brought my own self to tears. At another point, far later, he asked if I was sure that I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I said that I was sure. Still, after leaving the restaurant, he insisted on giving me a hug because I'd been teary, even though it'd been hours earlier. And from the hug, which I pulled away from, he took my hand. I tried to subtly, casually just twist my hand loose from his grasp. In response, he held on tighter and forced his fingers through mine. Again, the unwanted interlacing. I responded by letting my hand go limp and refusing to make eye contact, I didn't want any part of it.
In one view, I've held hands with scores of people - romantic interests, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, children I've babysat, my nieces and nephew, even various platonic friends when they needed that solace. Every religious experience I've had, from the various types of "Passing of the Peace" handshakes in Christian churches to pagan rituals where hands are joined to set up sacred space, there is the holding of hands with (mostly, initially anyway) strangers. As a massage therapist, I touch people every day I work. So... what's the big deal? It's just a hand.
In another, this is my personal space. These are my hands. No one has the right to dictate what touch I tolerate. I do regret not setting firmer boundaries with older guy. It would have meant a long walk in 4" heels back to my car on non-pedestrian-friendly streets, though. It seemed like I was picking a lesser evil, tolerating that touch. The most ironic part is that this guy prided himself on being a Southern gentleman.
I think I've seen the best manners and had greatest respect shown to me while on a date from a guy from Ohio. Love the accent, but really, forget the South. :P
And that second date that started this post? Part of the reason I was so excited was because at the end of our first date, we're walking back to the car and I realized that we were holding hands. But only in the loosest, most casual sense of the thing. I took a moment to think how I felt about this, and realized two things, that it seemed totally appropriate for our time together and it felt entirely natural. While pulling away would have been incredibly easy, I really didn't feel the need. Instead, I smiled to myself and gave his hand a squeeze. He glanced down at me, smiled and squeezed back. While it's not the only reason, it's definitely a contributing factor as to why we're still dating a month later.