(no subject)

[setbesideawall]

ok, so there is a first time for everything.

and today...

for the first time ever in my eighteen and a half years of life,
my father apologized to me.

i am still kinda wierded out.

and i am freaking out,.
i hate when i hear people talking about certain happy moments.
it really makes me sad.
it reminds me of the perfect moments i had with a certain girl.
who ended up forsaking my heart.
no matter how much i try to avoid it,
it still hurts.
i am beating myself into a pulp.
nothing i can do can fix anything.
i cant hate her.
i cant be friends with her.
i try to talk to her and she ignores me, or wont even try to carry conversation,
i fucking hurt
it is like poking your finger, everyday for three minutes non stop.
the pain just kinda turns into a dull ache.
that is my heart.
even when i try my hardest, to think positive,
everything falls apart on me.
what do i do.
i want a fucking answer.
i am sick of it.
the one person that i hand my heart to on a silver platter.
that i would promise the moon, and even attempt to give it to her,
the only girl i let my guard down for,
the one person.
and i die inside,

maybe i am just hurt because more shit happend.
my grandmother is in the hospital again today.
what do i do?
i dont know what to think right now.
if i could cry. i would,
i want someone to hold me.
and that one person deserted me.
maybe i am alone in this world.
fuck this.