(no subject)
i have no one really to talk to right now, at least no one that i feel like i could just pick up the phone and call, and i have quite a lot on my mind. so much that when certain songs come on, i cry. not like SOB cry, but the kind of cry where tears fall out of your eyes and the rest of your face doesn't even flinch. the kind of stuff on my mind that makes my stomach feel sharp and awful and reminds me of all the shitty stressful times in my life, which, unfortunately, there seem to have been quite a few of.
I have never been "good" at relationships. friend-wise or romantic-wise. I would have to say that my faults in regards to either carry over into both categories. I let people i love walk all over me for the most part. I let things slide even when they actually matter. I internalize everything. I don't always express how I feel until I finally DO, and then the other person thinks I'm coming off as a total weirdo bitch because I'm acting SO out of character. I have to say that what has really been troubling isn't a friend-wise relationship, but rather a one of romantic nature.
I've been "with" my boyfriend for...well, it's actually hard to say because he didn't want to "be" with me right off the bat. We've been seeing each other since last early April. Things went well, although I was really standoffish at first because a lot of shit had gone down last year, and hadn't left me ready to really date someone. But after maybe two months, he went back home to Michigan for a visit. It was only supposed to be for a week, but then he extended it twice, and I actually found myself missing him and waiting for him to get back. So finally he gets back, and then shit's all weird feeling. He doesn't call as much and that need to see me seems to have gone away. Somehow we keep seeing each other, mostly because I drive to him, I call him, I text him, blah blah blah. Another girl comes into the picture for a bit, which I know because I met my boyfriend through a mutual friend, and this mutual friend happened to live NEXT DOOR to this girl. Anyways...more drama. Let's just say I cried quite a bit between July and October. And..AND!! I didn't sleep with, hook up with, or even KISS anyone aside from him since June.
Somehow he ends up coming to San Diego with me for thanksgiving. Somehow we still are seeing each other. We never even HAD a conversation regarding us being in a relationship, but now he calls me his girlfriend, introduces me as such. His ex girlfriend still calls and texts him all the time. The OTHER girl, the neighbor of my friend, hangs out with him (and I pretend like this is totally fine, don't ask me why, because i don't FEEL totally fine when this happens, not at all). I still go to his house (I don't think he's been over here since March, no lie).
So basically, as of recently, I started going out more. Hanging out with my friends and whatnot. And I've realized that I've really been missing being around people who WANT to see me, who WANT me around, and who will make the effort to spend time with me. I've also forgotten that it's possible for other people to be interested in me, to think I'm attractive, that I'm interesting, etc.
I've decided that I'm going to just stop. I'm not going to drive over there every single day after I've worked for eight hours. I think, well, HOPE, that in a real relationship there is more of a give and take rather than a give give give. I also am hoping that this will change some shit. What if shit doesn't change? I guess it's only fair of me to give it a shot and see what happens.