Being a Bad, Bad Cook: The Sequel: TIME FOR SAUCE
1. While everything is safely marinating - call Ma, currently shopping in town. “Can you bring home a knob of ginger root please?” Sure, she says. Relieved, sit back with nearest uncle-nephew-and-grandma for a good old chat.
2. Mum arrives, leaving me with a shopping bag. Revealed: Ginger root, Bundaberg ginger cordial, Buderim ginger cordial, and You’ll Love Coles[sic] ginger biscuits. Privately posit that her Aspie traits are a little stronger than she realises.
3. Take on the Salad Sauce challenge. Ginger root? Check. Limes? Check. Mangoes? Check. Mango juice? Can be squeezed out of mangoes, surely? Investigate mango-squeezing. Discover mango-forking a bit more effective. Squish mangoes with fork.
4. Combine mangoes with lime juice. Squish mangoes further. Sauce looking lumpy, not juicy. Problematic. What other liquids go in sauces? Investigate internet. Can’t investigate internet, Computer recharging.
5. Guess. Olive oil probably. Put in olive oil. Sauce now lumpy with clear bits. Consider cooking sauce to reduce it. Decide that would probably turn it into burnt lumpy sauce with clear bits.
6. Realise that it may have been unwise to add a whole lime’s worth of sourness to the mix. Taste sauce. SQUARK. Rinse out mouth with beer. Much better. Thoughtfully pour the rest of the beer into a glass. Look at the beer. Look at the sauce. Resist adding beer to sauce.
7. Pour some of sauce into sink. Squish more mango in. Taste. SQUARK. Is this a waste of good mango??
8. Drink more beer. Think. Check internet. “No” says internet. However, all recipes suggest adding more sweet stuff. Maple syrup? WHAT?? Think some more. Look at the cordial. Resist adding cordial to sauce (Orange marmalade pumpkins probably already pushing luck).
9. Maternal unit enters kitchen and asks if she can assist. Explain sauce dilemma. Do not mention sarsaparilla or ginger beer. Do not mention rum. Do not mention orange marmalade. Refrain from suggesting ginger cordial idea.
10. Maternal unit proffers ‘a hand with the mangoes’ while simultaneously pre-empting a riceplosion. (N.B. Never follow packet directions for microwave! One cup rice, only TWO cups of water, not six!)
11. Offer fervent thanks to maternal unit. Throw mince on stove and pumpkin in the oven. Poke mince.
12. Continue to poke mince. Splash mince.
13. Splash mince about with glee until maternal unit firmly intervenes and offers smaller implement. Spoon mince.
14. Spoon mince.
15. Watch maternal unit find new way of juicing mangoes. Grating on parmesan grater! Success!
16. Spoon mince. Turn pumpkin.
17. Look, horrified, as maternal unit empties all of lime juice/olive oil/mango mix into fresh mango juice. Tentatively taste. PHEW. Thank lares, penates and maternal unit. Not a waste after all. Reiterate fervent thanks to maternal unit.
18. Leave mince alone for a bit. Slice veges. Argue with maternal unit about quantities to slice. Obstinately slice three quarters of a capsicum. Refute accusations of waste.
19. Serve! Kofta in the middle, Pumpkin on rice to the side, drizzled pumpkin marinade over rice & mango sauce over fresh salad.
20. Look on amazed as relatives eat with gusto.
21. Look on amazed as maternal unit asks for more pumpkin. Maternal unit usually of the “Pumpkin = tastes like snot” school.
22. Force self to eat remaining capsicum.
23. Chocolate Ginger for dessert! Yum! Go to fridge. Poke around for Chocolate Ginger. Note, in dismay, another two thirds of a Kent Pumpkin...
Stay tuned for tonight’s episode, iron chef ingredients: Parsley, kent pumpkin, fish and fresh cane toad!
2. Mum arrives, leaving me with a shopping bag. Revealed: Ginger root, Bundaberg ginger cordial, Buderim ginger cordial, and You’ll Love Coles[sic] ginger biscuits. Privately posit that her Aspie traits are a little stronger than she realises.
3. Take on the Salad Sauce challenge. Ginger root? Check. Limes? Check. Mangoes? Check. Mango juice? Can be squeezed out of mangoes, surely? Investigate mango-squeezing. Discover mango-forking a bit more effective. Squish mangoes with fork.
4. Combine mangoes with lime juice. Squish mangoes further. Sauce looking lumpy, not juicy. Problematic. What other liquids go in sauces? Investigate internet. Can’t investigate internet, Computer recharging.
5. Guess. Olive oil probably. Put in olive oil. Sauce now lumpy with clear bits. Consider cooking sauce to reduce it. Decide that would probably turn it into burnt lumpy sauce with clear bits.
6. Realise that it may have been unwise to add a whole lime’s worth of sourness to the mix. Taste sauce. SQUARK. Rinse out mouth with beer. Much better. Thoughtfully pour the rest of the beer into a glass. Look at the beer. Look at the sauce. Resist adding beer to sauce.
7. Pour some of sauce into sink. Squish more mango in. Taste. SQUARK. Is this a waste of good mango??
8. Drink more beer. Think. Check internet. “No” says internet. However, all recipes suggest adding more sweet stuff. Maple syrup? WHAT?? Think some more. Look at the cordial. Resist adding cordial to sauce (Orange marmalade pumpkins probably already pushing luck).
9. Maternal unit enters kitchen and asks if she can assist. Explain sauce dilemma. Do not mention sarsaparilla or ginger beer. Do not mention rum. Do not mention orange marmalade. Refrain from suggesting ginger cordial idea.
10. Maternal unit proffers ‘a hand with the mangoes’ while simultaneously pre-empting a riceplosion. (N.B. Never follow packet directions for microwave! One cup rice, only TWO cups of water, not six!)
11. Offer fervent thanks to maternal unit. Throw mince on stove and pumpkin in the oven. Poke mince.
12. Continue to poke mince. Splash mince.
13. Splash mince about with glee until maternal unit firmly intervenes and offers smaller implement. Spoon mince.
14. Spoon mince.
15. Watch maternal unit find new way of juicing mangoes. Grating on parmesan grater! Success!
16. Spoon mince. Turn pumpkin.
17. Look, horrified, as maternal unit empties all of lime juice/olive oil/mango mix into fresh mango juice. Tentatively taste. PHEW. Thank lares, penates and maternal unit. Not a waste after all. Reiterate fervent thanks to maternal unit.
18. Leave mince alone for a bit. Slice veges. Argue with maternal unit about quantities to slice. Obstinately slice three quarters of a capsicum. Refute accusations of waste.
19. Serve! Kofta in the middle, Pumpkin on rice to the side, drizzled pumpkin marinade over rice & mango sauce over fresh salad.
20. Look on amazed as relatives eat with gusto.
21. Look on amazed as maternal unit asks for more pumpkin. Maternal unit usually of the “Pumpkin = tastes like snot” school.
22. Force self to eat remaining capsicum.
23. Chocolate Ginger for dessert! Yum! Go to fridge. Poke around for Chocolate Ginger. Note, in dismay, another two thirds of a Kent Pumpkin...
Stay tuned for tonight’s episode, iron chef ingredients: Parsley, kent pumpkin, fish and fresh cane toad!