Clearing My Mind
This whole post is about mundane, un-Kemetic crap. So if you don't want to read, I understand, and you've been warned.
So this past weekend I took my grandfather to Co Springs for a graduation. My s.o. came along, though he was in "hiding"- as no one in my family know that he and I are together. The trip there and back home wasn't bad. However, the whole time actually spent in CO was kinda crappy. I know one of my biggest issues was that I was hormonal. But that aside, I spent most of my time upset on one form or another- crying or angry, due to circumstances. All of the smaller issues aside (like trying to follow speeders, and getting left behind more than once), I found myself upset more than anything- at my cousins. Why? there are a couple reasons (none of which is their fault- you could call this a problem of envy, more than anything).
-They are successful. Both of my cousins have work that pays well. They are engaged to people who have work, and are paid well.
-They are able to show up their fiance. They showed them like handbags- people acknowledged them because they were "part of the family".
-They had a social life. This is mainly due to the military. Still. I have none of that.
-They seemed happy. Which, obviously- I'm not.
So yeah, none of this they can control. But it hurt- for some reason- that they could show their fiances off, while I had to pretend that mine is just a "friend". And to make matters even more grr for me, even if we could tell people, we couldn't afford to actually get married. He can't even afford a ring right now.
Yeah..
And then, after all of that fun, we got stuck listening to his brother, convince him that "she" needed to go into the military. He proceeded to explain his situation, being and ftm and all. And his bro just wrote it off... in a bad way. He says he doesn't care, but really, I think he wasn't sure what to do with it, and wanted to sort of control the situation because of it. Even so, he was convinced he could join the military. And really? He can't. You see, transgendered folk aren't allowed in the military. They have a "mental disease" that makes them unable to serve. It's a crock of shit. So the only way it would work, is for him to join, go around for a few years while I stay home, and hope that no one catches him. And then at the end, quit, and hope that we have enough money. Heh.
So in the end, it was crap. I had it flaunted in my face (in a round about way) that I can't do what normal people do. I can't afford it, I have no options to pursue what most people have, and that I'd be lucky if I could be open about everything by the time I'm 30. That's 10 years, people. 10 years of pretending I'm not with someone, 10 years of having to dodge questions, and make up excuses. It's annoying, and it brings me down. More than anything, I want things to work so that I can live my life openly- with my s.o., in his proper place- as my fiance, not as some friend or roommate.
Sigh.
Despite some bad things this weekend, I have decided upon some other not so bad things. I'm thinking that once I get my 5th day of employment, I'm going to become a donor for the ASPCA. That will be one step closer to my goals, and any step is better than none- even if it is small. The next step would be for my s.o. to get work, and then we'll start saving for him to start therapy... one day. Of course, now he's all gung ho to find some sort of work. He's looking into civilian jobs with the gov. which means he'll probably be out of state. Which is sad for me- because I'll only get to see him off and on... every few months or so. And then I'll have to go back to being on my mom's schedule... being alone... and everything else. I dunno, I'm not sure it's worth it in the end. He'd have to buy furniture for himself, pay rent and all of that.. and I'm just not sure it'll be worth the money... so we'll see. I'm just not looking forward to it if it does work out that way. Selfish of me as it is.
Anywho, this concludes my mundane crap. As you were.
So this past weekend I took my grandfather to Co Springs for a graduation. My s.o. came along, though he was in "hiding"- as no one in my family know that he and I are together. The trip there and back home wasn't bad. However, the whole time actually spent in CO was kinda crappy. I know one of my biggest issues was that I was hormonal. But that aside, I spent most of my time upset on one form or another- crying or angry, due to circumstances. All of the smaller issues aside (like trying to follow speeders, and getting left behind more than once), I found myself upset more than anything- at my cousins. Why? there are a couple reasons (none of which is their fault- you could call this a problem of envy, more than anything).
-They are successful. Both of my cousins have work that pays well. They are engaged to people who have work, and are paid well.
-They are able to show up their fiance. They showed them like handbags- people acknowledged them because they were "part of the family".
-They had a social life. This is mainly due to the military. Still. I have none of that.
-They seemed happy. Which, obviously- I'm not.
So yeah, none of this they can control. But it hurt- for some reason- that they could show their fiances off, while I had to pretend that mine is just a "friend". And to make matters even more grr for me, even if we could tell people, we couldn't afford to actually get married. He can't even afford a ring right now.
Yeah..
And then, after all of that fun, we got stuck listening to his brother, convince him that "she" needed to go into the military. He proceeded to explain his situation, being and ftm and all. And his bro just wrote it off... in a bad way. He says he doesn't care, but really, I think he wasn't sure what to do with it, and wanted to sort of control the situation because of it. Even so, he was convinced he could join the military. And really? He can't. You see, transgendered folk aren't allowed in the military. They have a "mental disease" that makes them unable to serve. It's a crock of shit. So the only way it would work, is for him to join, go around for a few years while I stay home, and hope that no one catches him. And then at the end, quit, and hope that we have enough money. Heh.
So in the end, it was crap. I had it flaunted in my face (in a round about way) that I can't do what normal people do. I can't afford it, I have no options to pursue what most people have, and that I'd be lucky if I could be open about everything by the time I'm 30. That's 10 years, people. 10 years of pretending I'm not with someone, 10 years of having to dodge questions, and make up excuses. It's annoying, and it brings me down. More than anything, I want things to work so that I can live my life openly- with my s.o., in his proper place- as my fiance, not as some friend or roommate.
Sigh.
Despite some bad things this weekend, I have decided upon some other not so bad things. I'm thinking that once I get my 5th day of employment, I'm going to become a donor for the ASPCA. That will be one step closer to my goals, and any step is better than none- even if it is small. The next step would be for my s.o. to get work, and then we'll start saving for him to start therapy... one day. Of course, now he's all gung ho to find some sort of work. He's looking into civilian jobs with the gov. which means he'll probably be out of state. Which is sad for me- because I'll only get to see him off and on... every few months or so. And then I'll have to go back to being on my mom's schedule... being alone... and everything else. I dunno, I'm not sure it's worth it in the end. He'd have to buy furniture for himself, pay rent and all of that.. and I'm just not sure it'll be worth the money... so we'll see. I'm just not looking forward to it if it does work out that way. Selfish of me as it is.
Anywho, this concludes my mundane crap. As you were.