Something
Come the morrow, a friend leaves. For a long time. To places that I cannot follow to or visit. This saddens me. More so than I thought it could. It happened to me again, and still emotions run rampant throughout my body, mind, and spirit. Again, I don't know what to do. To go back to how life was before, the carefree never know what’s going to happen next life of Steve. Or perhaps its time for a change. A change that I've wanted my entire life, but never could seem to follow up on. I don't know what the future is to bring for me, but I'm anxious. Confused, and more than a little bit scared. Things that had been dormant within me for such a long time have resurfaced. And I don't know how to cope with them. Feelings. Emotions. Thoughts. All come flooding into me in the form of uncertainty. It’s been a long time since I've had thoughts along this nature. Old question come back to me, ones that I had thought would never come up again. I'm not sad that these questions come up, in fact I'm a little bit happy, for it means that I can still feel. And that makes me happy. For a long time I thought that emotions of this kind were no longer able to penetrate the cold, hard reaches of my heart. At long last I have been proven wrong. My body shakes, my eyes water, and my mind never stops. I don't know how she feels exactly. Whether it’s me, that is I, Steven, that she seems to care for. Or if it’s simply the idea that one such as myself seems to bring to those he cares for. The answer to this question I may never know. I hope so very much that it’s the former, but it always seems to be the latter with me. I upset her, I annoy her, and I’ve been an asshole without meaning to so many times in these short weeks. I try to be better, different. Less vague, more caring, not so flamboyant. But it’s hard. And no one seems to notice how hard it is that I am trying. I'm over protective, fearful, and moody. But that’s how I am. Things never seem to work out for me the way I plan them to, in fact, they almost always backfire, or become so fucked up that I just want to revert to my old self and kill everything, or hate the world. I want to be happy, I want things to work, and above all else I want her to be happy. But with the way things are going, I just don't see all 3 coming into balance. Such is the life and curse of Steve. After this whole ordeal is over, after the coming few months, I think its going to be time for me to finally live life the way I need to, instead of trying to find something that I know can never be found. Its not an easy choice, and I don't know exactly how its going to make me feel in the long run, but I know it will work. I'll be able to live, being alive at least to some extent. Free of the pain and suffering of relationships. I knew from a long age that I would be difficult to get with in that department, I guess its time I just faced up to the fact that its just how its going to be. I will be Steven always and forever, but there will be no one to stand by me. I will stand by many and help in any way that I can, and I myself won't be totally alone, for I will have friends, and the few family members that I care for. But other than that, my existence is solitary. So shall it be after the conclusion of these next few months. But there’s always a chance, if even it being such a small one, that I am mistaken and my life won't lead to a solitary existence. Let us hope, and maybe even pray to the Gods of old, new, and the future, that something so wonderful could happen to the likes of me. And I end this rant with this; Why the fuck can't I just stop thinking and live? Why does the heart have to control so much...