overloaded

[serrin]

I had a meltdown today during training. My inability to hold a handstand is what set it off. I'm trying to become a handbalancer, I'm auditioning to get into an elite school and I can't even hold a handstand. It was too much. The feeling of failing, the overwhelming sense that I can't do this took me down. I couldn't get past it, I couldn't hold back the tears. I would have left defeated if it wasn't for Bill. He pulled me back from the edge. He did his Guru Bill thing and talked me through it. I love all my coaches but Bill holds a special place in my heart. He was the first coach I worked with years ago when I took my first circus lesson. With him I share a connection and bond I don't share with the other coaches. He mentioned our first meeting when he was talking to me today. He told me he was impressed with me then, with my raw talent. He knew then that I could make something of myself. It really meant a lot to me to hear that, to know that someone I respect believes in me even if I am failing to believe in myself right now. He also helped me put the ENC audition in a better perspective. He reminded me that I am enough and that being human for your audience and not a handbalancing machine is ok. Because of Bill's talk I was able to continue to work and made some progress on my 2 minute presentation for Friday and my act for ENC, as well as do some conditioning.

I still feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I was able to get through training but I am emotionally rocked. I am hoping after a early nights sleep I will be in a better state of mind tomorrow. I know if I feel like this tomorrow it will only take the smallest mistake or show of weakness to set me off again.