Walking a tight rop without a circus net
I'm pretty tired. I'm pretty tired of a lot of things I do. I sometimes feel like I won't pull myself together until I've actually hit rock bottom. I guess laying on the bathtub floor while the hot water from the shower head hit me in the face for a half hour is pretty sad haha. I feel like I'm treading water and getting nowhere, and it's so much easier to just rest and sink. I feel like I'm alone in this day to day battle. And I'm losing it.
Anyway, there's one thing I've stuck with, and I am very proud of myself for it. I watched Rammstein videos with my godfather for like an hour on Thanksgiving and it made me think about you guys. I wanted to text you and tell you how awesome the video to Sonne is, and how much you'd probably dig it. But I didn't. It's been a month and I haven't texted, or IMed, or messaged, or called, and I'm happy about it. And you know what, life's been much easier in that area. So yes, one point for Ann.
I don't understand why my motivation comes and goes so easily. Out of nowhere I'll go and run 8 miles, or eat ridiculously healthy, or I'll go to the gym every single friggen day for a whole week, but then just a week later I'll sit on my ass, stuff my face, and get drunk all the time and not do an ounce of exercise. It doesn't make any sense to me. I want to run 19 minute 5k's again. If I want it so goddamn badly, why don't I make the effort? I'm pissed at myself for being such a dumb pity party. I need to grow a pair already and shut the hell up.
Moving on. Saturday night was one of the most fun nights I've had in awhile. I saw the Fear Nuttin Band a Max Cap with Maryann and friends. I must say I was pretty flattered when I was invited to Boston for a birthday party with the friends Maryann introduced me to, and Maryann might not even be able to go. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have made new friends, especially now that I've said goodbye to a lot of old ones. And these girls aren't fake, and don't judge me, and they make me feel welcome, and they give me hugs when they see me, and are some of the most fun and hilarious people I've ever met. I haven't danced and rocked out that hard in forever. Reggae rock bands friggen rule. It was also kinda nice to be told I'm beautiful by this complete stranger topped off with a pretty awesome Jamaican accent. And then the guy at the drive-through afterward called me a sweetie when he handed me my food haha. The little things do wonders for my self esteem...
Anyway, my plans for tonight consist of a date with the elliptical. I need to get my act together.
Anyway, there's one thing I've stuck with, and I am very proud of myself for it. I watched Rammstein videos with my godfather for like an hour on Thanksgiving and it made me think about you guys. I wanted to text you and tell you how awesome the video to Sonne is, and how much you'd probably dig it. But I didn't. It's been a month and I haven't texted, or IMed, or messaged, or called, and I'm happy about it. And you know what, life's been much easier in that area. So yes, one point for Ann.
I don't understand why my motivation comes and goes so easily. Out of nowhere I'll go and run 8 miles, or eat ridiculously healthy, or I'll go to the gym every single friggen day for a whole week, but then just a week later I'll sit on my ass, stuff my face, and get drunk all the time and not do an ounce of exercise. It doesn't make any sense to me. I want to run 19 minute 5k's again. If I want it so goddamn badly, why don't I make the effort? I'm pissed at myself for being such a dumb pity party. I need to grow a pair already and shut the hell up.
Moving on. Saturday night was one of the most fun nights I've had in awhile. I saw the Fear Nuttin Band a Max Cap with Maryann and friends. I must say I was pretty flattered when I was invited to Boston for a birthday party with the friends Maryann introduced me to, and Maryann might not even be able to go. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have made new friends, especially now that I've said goodbye to a lot of old ones. And these girls aren't fake, and don't judge me, and they make me feel welcome, and they give me hugs when they see me, and are some of the most fun and hilarious people I've ever met. I haven't danced and rocked out that hard in forever. Reggae rock bands friggen rule. It was also kinda nice to be told I'm beautiful by this complete stranger topped off with a pretty awesome Jamaican accent. And then the guy at the drive-through afterward called me a sweetie when he handed me my food haha. The little things do wonders for my self esteem...
Anyway, my plans for tonight consist of a date with the elliptical. I need to get my act together.