The emo, it comes and goes.
So I apologize for the outpouring of emo in the following entry, but I'm really just tired of feeling like I don't belong... anywhere.
Warning: Behind this cut is a frank discussion of sexuality, gender identity, and other strange issues that some of you might rather not be privy to. Feel free to skip this post if you would rather not see this content. I won't get mad. Honest.
I belong to one club on campus, and it's pretty much the one club that everyone hates, due to the fact that it's "different" and different can only mean bad. My only real friends, the ones I share everything with and trust not to flip out and call me a freak, are from this club. Even there I don't really feel like I fit in, as my fandoms are usually too small for most people to notice or care about. The friends I have outside of Bella are nice, but I inevitably find myself holding back with them... as though if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me.
Sexually, I don't really fit anywhere either. I call myself "bi" because it's easier, but the truth is I like to consider myself pansexual; I'm attracted to individuals, regardless of their biological sex or gender identity. I believe this orientation is more common than most people realize, and terribly understudied from both a scientific and sociological point of view. Most people don't believe that it exists at all, or just think it's a fancy way of saying I'm bi. "Pansexual" implies that there are more than two genders in the world, and we can't have that, can we?
And this in itself leads me to my last point: I don't fit in among women.
This is not me coming out as a transman, or anything other than a physical and mental female. I like my female body very much, and I have no plans to change it. But the fact remains that as women go, I am not a very good example of one. I get angry more easily than most men I've met, and that anger more often than not translates to violence, another stereotypically male trait. I find it difficult to relate to other people because I often can't understand their feelings, a skill which women are supposedly born with. For fuck's sake, I'm majoring in compsci, one of the most male-dominated fields in the world. Everything that is supposedly hardwired into the female brain is conspicuously absent from mine, and while it has left me with many strengths that I otherwise would not have had, it does show in my interactions with other women. They don't understand me, except for a choice few, and I don't understand them. It's as if we come from entirely different planets.
So I'm sorry for ranting about all this (as if it isn't already a commonplace enough event) and for subjecting you fine ladies and gentlemen to my whining. It feels better to get all this out, in any event. Thanks for listening, and feel free to leave your thoughts/comments/pointing and laughing.
Warning: Behind this cut is a frank discussion of sexuality, gender identity, and other strange issues that some of you might rather not be privy to. Feel free to skip this post if you would rather not see this content. I won't get mad. Honest.
I belong to one club on campus, and it's pretty much the one club that everyone hates, due to the fact that it's "different" and different can only mean bad. My only real friends, the ones I share everything with and trust not to flip out and call me a freak, are from this club. Even there I don't really feel like I fit in, as my fandoms are usually too small for most people to notice or care about. The friends I have outside of Bella are nice, but I inevitably find myself holding back with them... as though if they knew the real me, they wouldn't like me.
Sexually, I don't really fit anywhere either. I call myself "bi" because it's easier, but the truth is I like to consider myself pansexual; I'm attracted to individuals, regardless of their biological sex or gender identity. I believe this orientation is more common than most people realize, and terribly understudied from both a scientific and sociological point of view. Most people don't believe that it exists at all, or just think it's a fancy way of saying I'm bi. "Pansexual" implies that there are more than two genders in the world, and we can't have that, can we?
And this in itself leads me to my last point: I don't fit in among women.
This is not me coming out as a transman, or anything other than a physical and mental female. I like my female body very much, and I have no plans to change it. But the fact remains that as women go, I am not a very good example of one. I get angry more easily than most men I've met, and that anger more often than not translates to violence, another stereotypically male trait. I find it difficult to relate to other people because I often can't understand their feelings, a skill which women are supposedly born with. For fuck's sake, I'm majoring in compsci, one of the most male-dominated fields in the world. Everything that is supposedly hardwired into the female brain is conspicuously absent from mine, and while it has left me with many strengths that I otherwise would not have had, it does show in my interactions with other women. They don't understand me, except for a choice few, and I don't understand them. It's as if we come from entirely different planets.
So I'm sorry for ranting about all this (as if it isn't already a commonplace enough event) and for subjecting you fine ladies and gentlemen to my whining. It feels better to get all this out, in any event. Thanks for listening, and feel free to leave your thoughts/comments/pointing and laughing.