Victorian Romance Novels are Bad for You!
Yeah, I know, bad Calypso. I haven't updated this in far too long. I hadn't even graduated at my last entry and now I'm in college. College is not easy. I've got a cool roommate, but that's it. I have practically no friends and it's really starting to get to me. It seems like everyone has *someone* and I have no one. Well, at school anyway. It doesn't help that I'm in the all-girl dorm. That was a big mistake on my part. I know most of my friends are guys and I made the transition into an all-girl dorm where people are vicious, catty, and vindictive.
Whoa--I really *must* be feeling worse than I thought because I decried viciousness, cattiness, and vindictiveness in one sentence. I just scared myself. What am I becoming? I feel as if I'm losing my identity in this. I actually cried today, about nothing in particular. I feel like the heroine in one of those old Victorian romance novels, swooning and pining fashionably for something she doesn't know or understand. I also ended up binging like a complete pig and contemplated just calling Da and asking him to bring me home for the weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Grr...Medea help me I should just go out and start hexing random people. I won't, but it would probably make me feel better.
Classes are okay, I'm doing fine academically and it's one of the few times I actually enjoy myself on campus. I am so tired of hanging in my room playing solitaire and watching cheesy television. It's so unlike my hometown and like it at the same time. There are a bunch of people I don't know and things I don't want to do, but I never got this way at home unless something triggered me or I was on such an adrenaline high for a long time that when you crash you crash hard. I'm actually voluntarily going back to therapy on-campus mainly because the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. Once again I implore the universe to answer the question of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm used to being alone, I'm used to having no friends, so why is this *sodding* situation effecting me like this? I'm tempted to go to Aunt M--'s but I can't go there like this, if I have to break down I'll break down privately thank you. If my moods were unpredictable at home their verging on insanely random here. One minute I'm so high you'd swear I just took Accela or ecstasy and the next I'm bawling in my room like my heart just got broken. If people didn't know me well and saw this they would think I was drugged up. Obviously, as I've been extremely screwed up thanks to drugs I would never ever do them, but no one knows that here. The dorm is practically empty, even my RA is gone and when you think that would make me feel better I just feel worse. Damn I hate these emotions, and I wish I could just turn them off again. I'm so bloody emotional that the cards can't (or won't) show me anything but my own shite. As if I didn't know how miserable I feel.
And rather than logically dissecting everything like I was planning on doing I ended up ranting and rambling like a strumpet in a tantrum. I implore your forgiveness readers, and as always, feel free to comment.
Whoa--I really *must* be feeling worse than I thought because I decried viciousness, cattiness, and vindictiveness in one sentence. I just scared myself. What am I becoming? I feel as if I'm losing my identity in this. I actually cried today, about nothing in particular. I feel like the heroine in one of those old Victorian romance novels, swooning and pining fashionably for something she doesn't know or understand. I also ended up binging like a complete pig and contemplated just calling Da and asking him to bring me home for the weekend. What the hell is wrong with me? Grr...Medea help me I should just go out and start hexing random people. I won't, but it would probably make me feel better.
Classes are okay, I'm doing fine academically and it's one of the few times I actually enjoy myself on campus. I am so tired of hanging in my room playing solitaire and watching cheesy television. It's so unlike my hometown and like it at the same time. There are a bunch of people I don't know and things I don't want to do, but I never got this way at home unless something triggered me or I was on such an adrenaline high for a long time that when you crash you crash hard. I'm actually voluntarily going back to therapy on-campus mainly because the panic attacks have returned with a vengeance. Once again I implore the universe to answer the question of WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I'm used to being alone, I'm used to having no friends, so why is this *sodding* situation effecting me like this? I'm tempted to go to Aunt M--'s but I can't go there like this, if I have to break down I'll break down privately thank you. If my moods were unpredictable at home their verging on insanely random here. One minute I'm so high you'd swear I just took Accela or ecstasy and the next I'm bawling in my room like my heart just got broken. If people didn't know me well and saw this they would think I was drugged up. Obviously, as I've been extremely screwed up thanks to drugs I would never ever do them, but no one knows that here. The dorm is practically empty, even my RA is gone and when you think that would make me feel better I just feel worse. Damn I hate these emotions, and I wish I could just turn them off again. I'm so bloody emotional that the cards can't (or won't) show me anything but my own shite. As if I didn't know how miserable I feel.
And rather than logically dissecting everything like I was planning on doing I ended up ranting and rambling like a strumpet in a tantrum. I implore your forgiveness readers, and as always, feel free to comment.