(no subject)
Just looking for a moment of comfort and peace. Minutes and hours are invisible, days are imaginary, weeks and months and years shoot like a rocket ship away from sight. Memories come back to me like a big surprise - did that really happen? I found a 10-year old letter from me to my husband yesterday. He had saved it all these years. Back then, he and Tristan had moved up here from Florida, and were staying at my parents' house while I stayed with Daniel and Megan trying to sell our house. It was a pretty nice 3 bedroom/2-1/2 bath home, on a corner lot in a friendly neighborhood. Our yard was pretty big. 3927 Bloominghill Lane, Palm Harbor, Florida 34684. (813) 785-3259. So here's the letter:
Dear Larry,
Monday night: My darling, I miss you so much. In all my years, I never have missed anyone like this. We've been married for 13 years, and yet I can't believe there was ever a time I didn't have you in my life. You're right that this time is different from the summer. Each night I turn off the t.v. later and later. I climb into our bed and wonder if I'll sleep. I hug my picture of you & Tristan and try to imagine you up there in the room I slept in all summer - and Tristan across the hall, sleeping on top of the comforter with the same clothes on he wore all day. I try to imagine you and Mom and Dad, sitting around the family room in the morning on Sunday with coffee and bagels and the Sunday paper. I wish I was there too.
Tonight I put 30 cents under Daniel's pillow. He layed there, sound asleep on his back, coverless, "privates" showing, mouth wide open - and never moved while I slipped the money in an envelope.
Tuesday morning: This morning Daniel was thrilled to see that the tooth fairy had come. He has been looking at himself in the mirror all morning, and claims that since his tooth is gone, he's stronger. And Meggie gets jealous when he comes up to show me his missing tooth; she crowds in there and looks up at me with her mouth wide open. Right now she is parading around in her diaper and that silly black hat with a pony-tail. When it falls off she runs up to me - holding it up and saying "ah! ah!". That means "please put the hat on my little head". So I put it on and she says "deg koo". That means "thank you".
I still haven't been able to get rid of that old couch. Waste Management will take it for $35.00, but I just don't think we need to do that.
Daniel has been spending a lot of time with Rachael. He just adores her.
Diane (Donny's mom) is in therapy for her anorexia. They have her in group twice a week and a psychiatrist once a month. She still looks like a skeleton, but her spirits seem to be better.
I just got back from taking Meg and BooBoo for a little walk. We passed Bryan and Gene & Chris, who were all on their way to school. Gene looks like he's "growing out" somewhat. His cheeks and legs looked heavier. We were both sweating a lot and very glad to walk in the house, after just walking arund the two courts! You should really appreciate the weather up there. I'll go now. I love you & Tristan so much. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug! Love, S
So there is a piece of the past that I know happened, but I can't remember it. I remember some of the facts in the letter; like the people, the silly hat, sweating at 8:30 in the morning after a 5 minute walk. But now I'll fold the letter back up, put in the "to be filed" file, and POOF! I'm here in 2006, with so much on my mind - I just wish I could relax. I just got done chatting with Tristan - it seems like things were simpler then. Things are supposed to get better as life goes on, not worse. Why do I feel like we've been on a downward slope for so long? I don't want to go back to Florida - it's not the place. It's the life. Everything is so intense. Something occurred to me today when I was driving somewhere: I actually look forward to church on Sunday. Not mass so much as the class we are taking. Who would've thought that I'd ever look forward to a "Sunday school" class? I guess it's because all those people are so dang sweet. They work so hard at teaching us all about how to be good catholics; and they are so receptive to questions and challenges. So for like 2 or 2 1/2 hours, we sit there and talk about religion and life and love and sin and hate and forgiveness and relationships....and there's really no wrong thing to ask or answer. It's a block of time that I don't think too much about the wretched "details" that infect every other day of my life. Maybe after the kids are all on their own I should become a nun.
Nah. I'd hate the outfit.
Dear Larry,
Monday night: My darling, I miss you so much. In all my years, I never have missed anyone like this. We've been married for 13 years, and yet I can't believe there was ever a time I didn't have you in my life. You're right that this time is different from the summer. Each night I turn off the t.v. later and later. I climb into our bed and wonder if I'll sleep. I hug my picture of you & Tristan and try to imagine you up there in the room I slept in all summer - and Tristan across the hall, sleeping on top of the comforter with the same clothes on he wore all day. I try to imagine you and Mom and Dad, sitting around the family room in the morning on Sunday with coffee and bagels and the Sunday paper. I wish I was there too.
Tonight I put 30 cents under Daniel's pillow. He layed there, sound asleep on his back, coverless, "privates" showing, mouth wide open - and never moved while I slipped the money in an envelope.
Tuesday morning: This morning Daniel was thrilled to see that the tooth fairy had come. He has been looking at himself in the mirror all morning, and claims that since his tooth is gone, he's stronger. And Meggie gets jealous when he comes up to show me his missing tooth; she crowds in there and looks up at me with her mouth wide open. Right now she is parading around in her diaper and that silly black hat with a pony-tail. When it falls off she runs up to me - holding it up and saying "ah! ah!". That means "please put the hat on my little head". So I put it on and she says "deg koo". That means "thank you".
I still haven't been able to get rid of that old couch. Waste Management will take it for $35.00, but I just don't think we need to do that.
Daniel has been spending a lot of time with Rachael. He just adores her.
Diane (Donny's mom) is in therapy for her anorexia. They have her in group twice a week and a psychiatrist once a month. She still looks like a skeleton, but her spirits seem to be better.
I just got back from taking Meg and BooBoo for a little walk. We passed Bryan and Gene & Chris, who were all on their way to school. Gene looks like he's "growing out" somewhat. His cheeks and legs looked heavier. We were both sweating a lot and very glad to walk in the house, after just walking arund the two courts! You should really appreciate the weather up there. I'll go now. I love you & Tristan so much. Kiss Kiss Hug Hug! Love, S
So there is a piece of the past that I know happened, but I can't remember it. I remember some of the facts in the letter; like the people, the silly hat, sweating at 8:30 in the morning after a 5 minute walk. But now I'll fold the letter back up, put in the "to be filed" file, and POOF! I'm here in 2006, with so much on my mind - I just wish I could relax. I just got done chatting with Tristan - it seems like things were simpler then. Things are supposed to get better as life goes on, not worse. Why do I feel like we've been on a downward slope for so long? I don't want to go back to Florida - it's not the place. It's the life. Everything is so intense. Something occurred to me today when I was driving somewhere: I actually look forward to church on Sunday. Not mass so much as the class we are taking. Who would've thought that I'd ever look forward to a "Sunday school" class? I guess it's because all those people are so dang sweet. They work so hard at teaching us all about how to be good catholics; and they are so receptive to questions and challenges. So for like 2 or 2 1/2 hours, we sit there and talk about religion and life and love and sin and hate and forgiveness and relationships....and there's really no wrong thing to ask or answer. It's a block of time that I don't think too much about the wretched "details" that infect every other day of my life. Maybe after the kids are all on their own I should become a nun.
Nah. I'd hate the outfit.