(no subject)
I was randomly looking for an old prom picture of mine tonight in order to show Hiral what my prom dress looked like and I was surprised to find that... well, I couldn't find it. I put a lot of my pictures that I used to decorate my walls and desk with freshman year in a folder.. and it's not there. Weird.. I hope I find it one day because if I remember correctly, it's the only prom picture that I was 100% satisfied with.
Anyway, looking through the folder was like unlocking a time capsule of myself. I had a picture that Diana drew for me back in high school "Squall" + "Selfie"/me, a radiohead cd jacket full of lyrics, pictures that I took of my friends and new york city pictures from top of the empire state building. I also found a large array of artistic postcards that I've collected over the years.. Oh, and to be really sentimental.. I saved my nametag from my dorm room door. It reads "Serom (rhymes with Jerome)."
Other than nostalgia (Which is to be expected).. I felt something new.. I felt like a different person today than I was back then. Which shouldn't be a surprise.. but I didn't turn out to be the person that I expected to grow into. I've lost my pizazz.. the sparkle in my eye.. my essence.. I feel jaded and as if my life's blood has been sucked away from me and now I'm completely devoid of personality. I've lost confidence in my ability to form meaningful social connections. (seriously, in the past few school year the only new friend I've made is Jen.. and that one didn't start until this semester really)..
Who have I become? Sometimes I think of phrases that I think are amusing at school or in lab but I don't annunciate my thoughts...why? Fear that someone is going to think I'm lame? (I already know that I am and have accepted this fact.. why do I suddenly care and more importantly, why am I so bottled up?)
An even bigger problem than not speaking up to new people.. is the fact that I don't speak out to my old ones! It's been forever since I've seen some of my so called "best friends" from high school let alone talk to them! Why? Granted, our lives all went in a separate directions and we're busy with school, work, etc... I can point fingers and play the "but you didn't call me last time so why should I bother calling you this time.." or the "..I just really want to be left alone tonight with the tv.." Or.. even worse, maybe we've all grown apart. However, that doesn't mean we can't start growing in parallel or reach towards each other.. I mean, it's not like communication is hard to do these days: Email, cell phones, texting, facebook..
In conclusion, I think I'd like to go back to my former roots. I want to start talking to my old friend and start making new ones. I also want to start blogging again. (I blame this partly on my growing blogroll)But really, I just want to start writing about what I did, where I've been, what I'm thinking and feeling. This way, four years from now if I lose track of myself again, I'll know where I went wrong and I won't be disappointed with the person I've become.
Anyway, looking through the folder was like unlocking a time capsule of myself. I had a picture that Diana drew for me back in high school "Squall" + "Selfie"/me, a radiohead cd jacket full of lyrics, pictures that I took of my friends and new york city pictures from top of the empire state building. I also found a large array of artistic postcards that I've collected over the years.. Oh, and to be really sentimental.. I saved my nametag from my dorm room door. It reads "Serom (rhymes with Jerome)."
Other than nostalgia (Which is to be expected).. I felt something new.. I felt like a different person today than I was back then. Which shouldn't be a surprise.. but I didn't turn out to be the person that I expected to grow into. I've lost my pizazz.. the sparkle in my eye.. my essence.. I feel jaded and as if my life's blood has been sucked away from me and now I'm completely devoid of personality. I've lost confidence in my ability to form meaningful social connections. (seriously, in the past few school year the only new friend I've made is Jen.. and that one didn't start until this semester really)..
Who have I become? Sometimes I think of phrases that I think are amusing at school or in lab but I don't annunciate my thoughts...why? Fear that someone is going to think I'm lame? (I already know that I am and have accepted this fact.. why do I suddenly care and more importantly, why am I so bottled up?)
An even bigger problem than not speaking up to new people.. is the fact that I don't speak out to my old ones! It's been forever since I've seen some of my so called "best friends" from high school let alone talk to them! Why? Granted, our lives all went in a separate directions and we're busy with school, work, etc... I can point fingers and play the "but you didn't call me last time so why should I bother calling you this time.." or the "..I just really want to be left alone tonight with the tv.." Or.. even worse, maybe we've all grown apart. However, that doesn't mean we can't start growing in parallel or reach towards each other.. I mean, it's not like communication is hard to do these days: Email, cell phones, texting, facebook..
In conclusion, I think I'd like to go back to my former roots. I want to start talking to my old friend and start making new ones. I also want to start blogging again. (I blame this partly on my growing blogroll)But really, I just want to start writing about what I did, where I've been, what I'm thinking and feeling. This way, four years from now if I lose track of myself again, I'll know where I went wrong and I won't be disappointed with the person I've become.