[timed to the evening of the 16th]
Jaime had been trying his damndest not to think about anything much but the island made that difficult and so too did the compound particularly the music box. The song about killing loneliness, for example, continued to play at random intervals and he found it hard to concentrate on his research into male coupling when the song made him so very unhappy.
He moved into the halls and reluctantly noticed the list of names for those yet unaccounted for. Even giving the advertisement the briefest of glances, he noticed Bran Stark's name. Arthur was right that there was no changing the past but there was no escaping it. No denying the reality of decisions made and actions taken. The things I do for love. It was much harder to kill loneliness when love was gone or when one found themselves inexplicably drawn to someone who had no real idea of what or who the other someone had been or were.
The Kingslayer placed his hands over the boy's name and then headed to Benjen's campsite. Best to do this now before he lost his nerve and whatever reaction he recieved would no doubt be kinder than what Jaime Lannister doubtlessly deserved from any Stark let alone the boy's uncle.
It was near nightfall by the time Benjen heard Jaime's footsteps approaching. The Ranger was busy trying to stoke a fire and having some difficulty because of the amount of humidity in the air. He looked up at the approaching Knight and smiled slightly, glad to see him and even gladder that he was beginning to accept it.
"You're late," he said. "I was beginning to worry." It wasn't that they needed heat, but the light would be nice. If anyone knew how unsettling it was to return to a dark camp, it was Benjen. After all, darkness generally meant war...or worse.
Jaime's lips quirked up slightly but he couldn't quite force a smile to linger. He sat down near to the Ranger and sighed. "I'm sorry. There's... Surprisingly there's been a lot on my mind of late."
Benjen's brow arched and he studied the man. Whatever it was, it appeared to be serious. He refrained from telling him that there wasn't anything surprising about it at all, but the moment wasn't right for that sort of response so he just watched him for a moment. "If you'd like to talk about it, I'm here, but I shan't pry it from you."
"I'm afraid that I have to," Jaime murmured quietly, regarding the flint in Benjen's hands before glancing up at the crow's face. "It's in regards to your nephew, Bran."
Benjen tensed immediately. What business did the Kingslayer have thinking on a seven year old boy who wasn't any care of his in the first place? "I think I mislike where this is going, ser."
You will mislike it a great deal more very shortly, Jaime thought to himself. He sighed and wiped wearily at his eyes and the rest of his face. "Robert and Cersei came to Winterfell shortly after the death of Jon Arryn. When a majority of the keep's occupants were away, I spent a bit of time alone with my sister. Bran saw."
There was more but he paused waiting to hear what --if anything-- Benjen would have to say so far.
Benjen was stoicly silent. He saw no need to remind Jaime that he had been there for those feast days, had left Winterfell with the man's own brother and his own nephew in tow. He watched him, positively radiating quiet anger. "Continue," he said coldly.
"He wasn't cautious enough. I saw him. I grabbed his arm but I released him shortly thereafter." Jaime imagined Benjen was clever enough to understand and figure out what had happened next.
You would have killed him. You crippled him instead. Benjen was seething, but even now he couldn't bring himself to strike Jaime. He had lost the hand that did the deed, doubtlessly, and that was what Benjen's temptation would have been. Instead he got up and went to his still saddled horse. "I'll be back," was all he said before he mounted and kicked the horse into motion.
Jaime swallowed hard and got to his feet, looking into the darkness after the Ranger. He was uncertain whether he ought to remain or not. The more cowardly, sensible parts of himself demaned that he leave. He was lacking in a sword hand which was the only reason he was in one piece. No telling what would happen when the Stark came back.
An hour or so later, Benjen returned and hobbled his horse near the tent. Jaime couldn't have gotten far, if anywhere at all in this darkness especially with all the debris about.
Indeed the Kingslayer had not gone very far although he had gathered up what few things he owned. He was glancing at the letter Cersei had sent him, dangling the parchment over the pitiful fire he'd managed to start but unable to set it ablaze.
Benjen spoke to his back then, unable to look him in the face and not wanting to put forth the effort right now to make the man turn around. "Do you regret it?"
Jaime closed his eyes after tucking the parchment away in his tunic. He nodded hesitantly. "Now I do." But the honest truth was at the time he hadn't even considered the action to be all that wrong. In the present, he did sincerely wish he'd never tried to kill Bran since it had been pointless and not at all a clever solution to the problem.
"When we find him," he said, not knowing at all that the boy had disappeared entirely only to reappear again somewhere else. "You will apologise to him." There was no room in Benjen's tone for argument. Part of him wanted to say, "And when we return home, you will take the Black," but it seemed pointless. He sighed and looked down at Jaime's heels. "You are the closest thing I have to pack left to me here. Swear to settle things with him, and you will have them settled with me."
"I..." Jaime blinked and stared at the flames. Apologize? Was this Stark just as mad at his Tully goodsister? A Lannister always pays his debts. Yet, how in the name of any of the bloody hells can I apologize for an action I would do again were I the same man I was that day?
The Kingslayer had no desire to so much as see Bran let alone converse with him. The Ranger's tone may not have allowed for an arguement but there was going to be a rebuke. "That's not possible, Benjen. I would not ask the boy for forgiveness that he would have to be daft to grant to me. I would prefer to leave him in peace by never suffering him to have to look upon me. I cannot speak to him anymore than I could be with Cersei ever again."
"Then take the Black when you get home." He had never thought to see any lion of Lannister sound as craven as Jaime did just then. The truth of the matter was that Benjen wasn't exactly sure what to do. He sighed and stared at the feeble fire Jaime had started, willing it to go out. He hadn't felt so torn in fifteen some years.
The Lannister did not think it craven so much as practical. A boy or man did not forgive the man --or Knight even-- who had crippled him. That simply was not done. He might kill, maim, injure, or destroy that man or Knight but forgive? Never. A Stark might have had enough bloody stupid honor to forgive Jaime, but that would not make Bran stronger. Anger and revenge kept a boy alive longer than goodwill or kindness. The world is full of horrors and I am only one of them.
"We're never going home, Benjen." He sighed quietly and pushed back a stray lock of blond hair. "You would be wiser to strike me than to expect me to make this easy or to speak to your nephew. That action and the burden of it will be with me for always. Black, White, or Red, I would never forget. There is no forgiveness. There is no mercy. There is only what I do. There is only this life."
Benjen set his jaw and nearly did strike Jaime. "It is not my place to strike you," he said firmly. "Even if you do wish it of me. I swore away any part of me that was Stark in front of a grove of weirwoods beyond the Wall. You are Bran's to deal with in this matter and Bran's alone."
"He never will deal with me for I never plan to give him the oppourtunity," Jaime honestly replied. Best to let Benjen know now how Jaime planned on ignoring the other Starks as much as he possibly could. There was no choice as far as the Kingslayer could tell. Even Arya could kill him if she so wished.
"I prefer to live and indeed that is craven, but I have lived through much worse than your family's intense loathing. If you made the mistake of swearing away so much of yourself that you can't even hit me, then so be it. But no amount of promising, swearing, or issuing of grief-stricken statements of profound regret on my part will change what I've done or will make the Starks accept my presence at supper or special occasions. I accept that. But can you?"
And then Benjen did punch him, square across the jaw without even thinking about it. "Is this what you want?" he said, voice cracking. Gods damn him and his mouth. "Why in the hells did you see fit to tell me any of this?" He didn't want to know. He didn't need to know. "Why when I was just starting to l-" he stopped himself short and stood straighter. "If you wish to leave, then leave, but please do not give me cause to strike you again." This was agony. He felt all of fourteen again and he was damning the rain that was so cruelly spattering his face and nowhere else.
Jaime had been expecting that and indeed found it preferable to the Ranger not striking him. There would no doubt be some sort of bruise but it was not nearly half as bad as what he deserved. He cleared his throat after a fashion, wincing. "Can you, Benjen? I have to know or else how can I leave and how can I stay?" He would prefer a mixture of pain and communication to what he'd ended up with after years of devotion to his twin.
Benjen swallowed and exhaled slowly. "Love you knowing that they will never see you with anything but contempt?" He closed his eyes and nodded. You make me smile, he thought, but did not say. "Aye, I can." If Lyanna could risk all for love then surely he could as well. "Can you?"
"What I did has consequences even if I never considered what they might have been." He had been reckless enough not to care and the Starks hadn't been around much to pose a threat to him. With all the changes he'd made in his own life and with the very real threat of various Starks, he couldn't afford to risk too much.
"These are the consequences and I have little choice but to learn to live with them." Jaime could not decide how he felt about love yet yet he did care about Benjen. "But you can choose not to." And that was what worried him.
"I choose happiness," he said. "I choose life." And as far as Benjen was concerned, that was the end of it. He leaned and and kissed the Knight softly. "If you want me to face my brother and his pups and tell them outright, I will if only to prove to you that I am not afraid of this." He was frightened of other things sure, but this was quickly becoming natural.
Jaime felt suddenly both guilty and selfish. Simply because his family mattered very little to him didn't mean they had to for Benjen. "No, there's no need for that but I do not think I wish to hide...whatever it is we have. I can't do that again."
He hesitated and then touched Benjen's hand, looking over at the Ranger. "I am sorry."
Don't leave, he begged mentally. They always left. Be it his family or anyone he ever dared try to love. He drew the Knight into an embrace, light enough that he could leave if he wished it. "Stay then," he said softly against Jaime's hair.
Jaime knew how Benjen felt and so he gently put the complete arm he had around the Ranger, then rested his head against the other man's shoulder. "I want to. I will." I really need this.
He moved into the halls and reluctantly noticed the list of names for those yet unaccounted for. Even giving the advertisement the briefest of glances, he noticed Bran Stark's name. Arthur was right that there was no changing the past but there was no escaping it. No denying the reality of decisions made and actions taken. The things I do for love. It was much harder to kill loneliness when love was gone or when one found themselves inexplicably drawn to someone who had no real idea of what or who the other someone had been or were.
The Kingslayer placed his hands over the boy's name and then headed to Benjen's campsite. Best to do this now before he lost his nerve and whatever reaction he recieved would no doubt be kinder than what Jaime Lannister doubtlessly deserved from any Stark let alone the boy's uncle.
It was near nightfall by the time Benjen heard Jaime's footsteps approaching. The Ranger was busy trying to stoke a fire and having some difficulty because of the amount of humidity in the air. He looked up at the approaching Knight and smiled slightly, glad to see him and even gladder that he was beginning to accept it.
"You're late," he said. "I was beginning to worry." It wasn't that they needed heat, but the light would be nice. If anyone knew how unsettling it was to return to a dark camp, it was Benjen. After all, darkness generally meant war...or worse.
Jaime's lips quirked up slightly but he couldn't quite force a smile to linger. He sat down near to the Ranger and sighed. "I'm sorry. There's... Surprisingly there's been a lot on my mind of late."
Benjen's brow arched and he studied the man. Whatever it was, it appeared to be serious. He refrained from telling him that there wasn't anything surprising about it at all, but the moment wasn't right for that sort of response so he just watched him for a moment. "If you'd like to talk about it, I'm here, but I shan't pry it from you."
"I'm afraid that I have to," Jaime murmured quietly, regarding the flint in Benjen's hands before glancing up at the crow's face. "It's in regards to your nephew, Bran."
Benjen tensed immediately. What business did the Kingslayer have thinking on a seven year old boy who wasn't any care of his in the first place? "I think I mislike where this is going, ser."
You will mislike it a great deal more very shortly, Jaime thought to himself. He sighed and wiped wearily at his eyes and the rest of his face. "Robert and Cersei came to Winterfell shortly after the death of Jon Arryn. When a majority of the keep's occupants were away, I spent a bit of time alone with my sister. Bran saw."
There was more but he paused waiting to hear what --if anything-- Benjen would have to say so far.
Benjen was stoicly silent. He saw no need to remind Jaime that he had been there for those feast days, had left Winterfell with the man's own brother and his own nephew in tow. He watched him, positively radiating quiet anger. "Continue," he said coldly.
"He wasn't cautious enough. I saw him. I grabbed his arm but I released him shortly thereafter." Jaime imagined Benjen was clever enough to understand and figure out what had happened next.
You would have killed him. You crippled him instead. Benjen was seething, but even now he couldn't bring himself to strike Jaime. He had lost the hand that did the deed, doubtlessly, and that was what Benjen's temptation would have been. Instead he got up and went to his still saddled horse. "I'll be back," was all he said before he mounted and kicked the horse into motion.
Jaime swallowed hard and got to his feet, looking into the darkness after the Ranger. He was uncertain whether he ought to remain or not. The more cowardly, sensible parts of himself demaned that he leave. He was lacking in a sword hand which was the only reason he was in one piece. No telling what would happen when the Stark came back.
An hour or so later, Benjen returned and hobbled his horse near the tent. Jaime couldn't have gotten far, if anywhere at all in this darkness especially with all the debris about.
Indeed the Kingslayer had not gone very far although he had gathered up what few things he owned. He was glancing at the letter Cersei had sent him, dangling the parchment over the pitiful fire he'd managed to start but unable to set it ablaze.
Benjen spoke to his back then, unable to look him in the face and not wanting to put forth the effort right now to make the man turn around. "Do you regret it?"
Jaime closed his eyes after tucking the parchment away in his tunic. He nodded hesitantly. "Now I do." But the honest truth was at the time he hadn't even considered the action to be all that wrong. In the present, he did sincerely wish he'd never tried to kill Bran since it had been pointless and not at all a clever solution to the problem.
"When we find him," he said, not knowing at all that the boy had disappeared entirely only to reappear again somewhere else. "You will apologise to him." There was no room in Benjen's tone for argument. Part of him wanted to say, "And when we return home, you will take the Black," but it seemed pointless. He sighed and looked down at Jaime's heels. "You are the closest thing I have to pack left to me here. Swear to settle things with him, and you will have them settled with me."
"I..." Jaime blinked and stared at the flames. Apologize? Was this Stark just as mad at his Tully goodsister? A Lannister always pays his debts. Yet, how in the name of any of the bloody hells can I apologize for an action I would do again were I the same man I was that day?
The Kingslayer had no desire to so much as see Bran let alone converse with him. The Ranger's tone may not have allowed for an arguement but there was going to be a rebuke. "That's not possible, Benjen. I would not ask the boy for forgiveness that he would have to be daft to grant to me. I would prefer to leave him in peace by never suffering him to have to look upon me. I cannot speak to him anymore than I could be with Cersei ever again."
"Then take the Black when you get home." He had never thought to see any lion of Lannister sound as craven as Jaime did just then. The truth of the matter was that Benjen wasn't exactly sure what to do. He sighed and stared at the feeble fire Jaime had started, willing it to go out. He hadn't felt so torn in fifteen some years.
The Lannister did not think it craven so much as practical. A boy or man did not forgive the man --or Knight even-- who had crippled him. That simply was not done. He might kill, maim, injure, or destroy that man or Knight but forgive? Never. A Stark might have had enough bloody stupid honor to forgive Jaime, but that would not make Bran stronger. Anger and revenge kept a boy alive longer than goodwill or kindness. The world is full of horrors and I am only one of them.
"We're never going home, Benjen." He sighed quietly and pushed back a stray lock of blond hair. "You would be wiser to strike me than to expect me to make this easy or to speak to your nephew. That action and the burden of it will be with me for always. Black, White, or Red, I would never forget. There is no forgiveness. There is no mercy. There is only what I do. There is only this life."
Benjen set his jaw and nearly did strike Jaime. "It is not my place to strike you," he said firmly. "Even if you do wish it of me. I swore away any part of me that was Stark in front of a grove of weirwoods beyond the Wall. You are Bran's to deal with in this matter and Bran's alone."
"He never will deal with me for I never plan to give him the oppourtunity," Jaime honestly replied. Best to let Benjen know now how Jaime planned on ignoring the other Starks as much as he possibly could. There was no choice as far as the Kingslayer could tell. Even Arya could kill him if she so wished.
"I prefer to live and indeed that is craven, but I have lived through much worse than your family's intense loathing. If you made the mistake of swearing away so much of yourself that you can't even hit me, then so be it. But no amount of promising, swearing, or issuing of grief-stricken statements of profound regret on my part will change what I've done or will make the Starks accept my presence at supper or special occasions. I accept that. But can you?"
And then Benjen did punch him, square across the jaw without even thinking about it. "Is this what you want?" he said, voice cracking. Gods damn him and his mouth. "Why in the hells did you see fit to tell me any of this?" He didn't want to know. He didn't need to know. "Why when I was just starting to l-" he stopped himself short and stood straighter. "If you wish to leave, then leave, but please do not give me cause to strike you again." This was agony. He felt all of fourteen again and he was damning the rain that was so cruelly spattering his face and nowhere else.
Jaime had been expecting that and indeed found it preferable to the Ranger not striking him. There would no doubt be some sort of bruise but it was not nearly half as bad as what he deserved. He cleared his throat after a fashion, wincing. "Can you, Benjen? I have to know or else how can I leave and how can I stay?" He would prefer a mixture of pain and communication to what he'd ended up with after years of devotion to his twin.
Benjen swallowed and exhaled slowly. "Love you knowing that they will never see you with anything but contempt?" He closed his eyes and nodded. You make me smile, he thought, but did not say. "Aye, I can." If Lyanna could risk all for love then surely he could as well. "Can you?"
"What I did has consequences even if I never considered what they might have been." He had been reckless enough not to care and the Starks hadn't been around much to pose a threat to him. With all the changes he'd made in his own life and with the very real threat of various Starks, he couldn't afford to risk too much.
"These are the consequences and I have little choice but to learn to live with them." Jaime could not decide how he felt about love yet yet he did care about Benjen. "But you can choose not to." And that was what worried him.
"I choose happiness," he said. "I choose life." And as far as Benjen was concerned, that was the end of it. He leaned and and kissed the Knight softly. "If you want me to face my brother and his pups and tell them outright, I will if only to prove to you that I am not afraid of this." He was frightened of other things sure, but this was quickly becoming natural.
Jaime felt suddenly both guilty and selfish. Simply because his family mattered very little to him didn't mean they had to for Benjen. "No, there's no need for that but I do not think I wish to hide...whatever it is we have. I can't do that again."
He hesitated and then touched Benjen's hand, looking over at the Ranger. "I am sorry."
Don't leave, he begged mentally. They always left. Be it his family or anyone he ever dared try to love. He drew the Knight into an embrace, light enough that he could leave if he wished it. "Stay then," he said softly against Jaime's hair.
Jaime knew how Benjen felt and so he gently put the complete arm he had around the Ranger, then rested his head against the other man's shoulder. "I want to. I will." I really need this.