(no subject)
I worry about “How do I know if I’m toxic?
” How do I know if I’m a healthy person for others to be around? How can I be sure I’m not manipulating and/or using other people? Aren’t we all just using each other? Just out to get our needs met?
I didn’t talk to my mom, and am kind of regretting offering for my siblings to stay with me when I move to FL. I’m not ready to give up my autonomy and my space. I offered because I thought it’s what I should do. When I realized the other day that I’m the only one who knows about the toxic nature of my parents’ relationship and the only one in a position to actually do something about it.. It had this familiar “oldest child” feeling.
I melt into people who are capable of taking care of me, because I haven’t been able to just let people take care of me. I’m the trail blazer. I’m the oldest child. The guinea pig. This is the root of my codependency. This is the root of my submissive kink. I want to just relax into what others want to do because I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of tiptoeing and guessing. I want people who can be blunt, because the potential sting of that truth hurts less than driving myself fucking crazy guessing. Trying to anticipate what the fuck might happen next when what happens next has never made sense, has never been predictable. And while submitting sounds comforting, it can simultaneously be terrifying to put myself in a physically vulnerable position. It’s too reminiscent of my childhood.
I have this duality of wanting to be fiercely independent and wanting to melt into someone else. All or Nothing. If I don’t feel like I could melt into someone I don’t feel connected. If I open up to someone and they get it? They take me in stride and can handle my shit? I want to cling so fucking hard.
The way I love is passionate and fierce. It’s also probably toxic as fuck. It only feels real if it hurts.