prequel: a bit of dramatic background
i was lying awake last night...well, my last night, which occurred at around 5:30 this morning...listening to one specific song on one specific album. and equating my life with everything i could think of. and wondering just how long it's gonna be before i stop waiting around for something.
this has been happening for as long as i can remember...this waiting around. i used to wait around for summer break to finally come, and found that--to my surprise--i couldn't stand not being in school. this probably should not have happened every year, because i always spent the entire summer inside, studying or reading. unless my mother kicked me out of the house. she didn't know that i would shove a book into the waist of my pants, under the shirt, and run out to a secluded part of the woods to read in silence. incidentally, this was not a wise idea...my secret spot was located about five feet west of the train tracks in a town that was not quite the safest in the world...
at any rate, the wishing would start again, waiting for the new school year to arrive. then it was the random special days...my birthday. halloween. christmas. new years. easter sunday...then summer again.
yes, i did leave out thanksgiving. there are reasons. if you really care that much...or if you're just a naturally curious person, ask sometime.
so, summer after 6th grade, i start waiting for middle school; two years later it's high school. senior year, counting out the very seconds...literally, i'm not exaggerating...until i was in college and on my own.
and then college came.
and i was lonely. i'm not the typical happy go lucky person everyone has always pegged me to be...i have realized recently that most people-including some of my closest friends-never realized that there was more to me than the outer masks. i didn't know that there really are people that, regardless of their intelligence, could take a person at face value and never really care about the intricacies of their persona.
so, frosh year ends, and i wait for summer session. then my defining year until that point arrived. sophomore year.
i meet someone who actually looked for those intricacies. in his words, forced me out of my shells. it was a good year, but a waste of a year. an enormous waste. i did nothing that year--didn't take a single class essential for my major. didn't reacquaint myself with scott. (my violin...i have this thing for naming objects--it stems from my mother's refusal to allow me to name my own pets growing up..)
i didn't go through the certification for aids counseling, and didn't bother trying to get more people to join the aids task force, so we disbanded. i met other people, lived a carefree existence, acted like my age. sure, everyone has that right at some point and time. but i didn't really feel the way i probably should have. that summer was spent everywhere with noone. except my shell-shedding friend. and that was the summer i actually spent the way i wanted to spend it. no rules, no curfews. i actually left the house, left the books, left the responsibilities and had fun.
and it didn't fit. because i was in two different places. the first part of me was running around like the kid i never got to be. the second was sitting in a chaise-lounge, sipping a lemonade and wondering when i'm going to stop acting out and return to the person i really was.
return to myself, stop acting the way i thought i should act to please other people. or, another person.
that summer ended, and other things occurred. i'll fast forward through this part, it's complicated and i'm not sure who will be allowed to read this yet.
suffice to say i'm now at home, have a daughter and have returned to the adult i've always been. doing well in school. my goal looks like it may just be within reach someday.
and i'm still waiting. i know i should stop waiting, take the chances and risk what i have...what's comfortable but terribly boring and lifeless. wondering when i'm going to stop waiting through my days, wasting this life just to be overly cautious and hate everything about it. and, at the same time, i keep reminding myself that i don't want to jump into anything else too quickly, either...i know i'd just end up right where i am, stuck in a place i can't find my way out of.
i miss the newness of a new person around. i mean, i'm around a lot of new people these days. but i really don't spend a significant amount of time with them. looking back on the people i have come across in the past, i've come to realize that the really amazing people--the ones that i would want to be around--all leave. for whatever reason. they graduate, move away. don't really care as much about whatever our friendship was as much as i have. so, naturally, i'm a bit on the pessimistic side about making new friends.
i should interject here to mention that my shell-breaking friend betrayed me at the most vulnerable time in my life, when i needed him the most.
the shells have since returned. and, while i'll give damn near any information about myself to just about anyone i meet, it takes a bit more to really get to me. i've grown tired of losing friends, so i've become accustomed to allowing the friendships to form, but adapt quickly when they're gone.
almost like hydrogen bonds. i have to stop studying...
at any rate. so, yes. while i have met several new people this semester, i don't have any expectations of their being around past the semester. hell, this isn't really a shock. i made three or four pretty good friends last semester. i have not spoken to any of them since january.
not that i gave up on them...they just don't bother to call back. it's an importance thing, and it's self-pitying, i know. i get to indulge my pity every once in a while. particularly when i start engaging in conversation with my cat.
that's damn amusing, actually. sad, when it happens, but when i look back on it, i think it should be on some old eighties movie on comedy central. a girl talking to her cat because she's lonely. maybe painting the cat's nails....
i have to stop thinking this way, or i'll never finish this entry.
back to my original point.
i think i'm ready to stop waiting. i've decided it has to be soon, or it won't happen, and i can't live like this forever.
and i have to go now. because i have a splitting headache and i think my right eye just might implode.
i must ask that you don't over-analyze this. most likely, whoever is reading this will be categorized somewhere along the way, but i'm not nearly as crazy as i sound here. this is just the way i think.
i'm just a bit paranoid.
ouch.
*serephym*
this has been happening for as long as i can remember...this waiting around. i used to wait around for summer break to finally come, and found that--to my surprise--i couldn't stand not being in school. this probably should not have happened every year, because i always spent the entire summer inside, studying or reading. unless my mother kicked me out of the house. she didn't know that i would shove a book into the waist of my pants, under the shirt, and run out to a secluded part of the woods to read in silence. incidentally, this was not a wise idea...my secret spot was located about five feet west of the train tracks in a town that was not quite the safest in the world...
at any rate, the wishing would start again, waiting for the new school year to arrive. then it was the random special days...my birthday. halloween. christmas. new years. easter sunday...then summer again.
yes, i did leave out thanksgiving. there are reasons. if you really care that much...or if you're just a naturally curious person, ask sometime.
so, summer after 6th grade, i start waiting for middle school; two years later it's high school. senior year, counting out the very seconds...literally, i'm not exaggerating...until i was in college and on my own.
and then college came.
and i was lonely. i'm not the typical happy go lucky person everyone has always pegged me to be...i have realized recently that most people-including some of my closest friends-never realized that there was more to me than the outer masks. i didn't know that there really are people that, regardless of their intelligence, could take a person at face value and never really care about the intricacies of their persona.
so, frosh year ends, and i wait for summer session. then my defining year until that point arrived. sophomore year.
i meet someone who actually looked for those intricacies. in his words, forced me out of my shells. it was a good year, but a waste of a year. an enormous waste. i did nothing that year--didn't take a single class essential for my major. didn't reacquaint myself with scott. (my violin...i have this thing for naming objects--it stems from my mother's refusal to allow me to name my own pets growing up..)
i didn't go through the certification for aids counseling, and didn't bother trying to get more people to join the aids task force, so we disbanded. i met other people, lived a carefree existence, acted like my age. sure, everyone has that right at some point and time. but i didn't really feel the way i probably should have. that summer was spent everywhere with noone. except my shell-shedding friend. and that was the summer i actually spent the way i wanted to spend it. no rules, no curfews. i actually left the house, left the books, left the responsibilities and had fun.
and it didn't fit. because i was in two different places. the first part of me was running around like the kid i never got to be. the second was sitting in a chaise-lounge, sipping a lemonade and wondering when i'm going to stop acting out and return to the person i really was.
return to myself, stop acting the way i thought i should act to please other people. or, another person.
that summer ended, and other things occurred. i'll fast forward through this part, it's complicated and i'm not sure who will be allowed to read this yet.
suffice to say i'm now at home, have a daughter and have returned to the adult i've always been. doing well in school. my goal looks like it may just be within reach someday.
and i'm still waiting. i know i should stop waiting, take the chances and risk what i have...what's comfortable but terribly boring and lifeless. wondering when i'm going to stop waiting through my days, wasting this life just to be overly cautious and hate everything about it. and, at the same time, i keep reminding myself that i don't want to jump into anything else too quickly, either...i know i'd just end up right where i am, stuck in a place i can't find my way out of.
i miss the newness of a new person around. i mean, i'm around a lot of new people these days. but i really don't spend a significant amount of time with them. looking back on the people i have come across in the past, i've come to realize that the really amazing people--the ones that i would want to be around--all leave. for whatever reason. they graduate, move away. don't really care as much about whatever our friendship was as much as i have. so, naturally, i'm a bit on the pessimistic side about making new friends.
i should interject here to mention that my shell-breaking friend betrayed me at the most vulnerable time in my life, when i needed him the most.
the shells have since returned. and, while i'll give damn near any information about myself to just about anyone i meet, it takes a bit more to really get to me. i've grown tired of losing friends, so i've become accustomed to allowing the friendships to form, but adapt quickly when they're gone.
almost like hydrogen bonds. i have to stop studying...
at any rate. so, yes. while i have met several new people this semester, i don't have any expectations of their being around past the semester. hell, this isn't really a shock. i made three or four pretty good friends last semester. i have not spoken to any of them since january.
not that i gave up on them...they just don't bother to call back. it's an importance thing, and it's self-pitying, i know. i get to indulge my pity every once in a while. particularly when i start engaging in conversation with my cat.
that's damn amusing, actually. sad, when it happens, but when i look back on it, i think it should be on some old eighties movie on comedy central. a girl talking to her cat because she's lonely. maybe painting the cat's nails....
i have to stop thinking this way, or i'll never finish this entry.
back to my original point.
i think i'm ready to stop waiting. i've decided it has to be soon, or it won't happen, and i can't live like this forever.
and i have to go now. because i have a splitting headache and i think my right eye just might implode.
i must ask that you don't over-analyze this. most likely, whoever is reading this will be categorized somewhere along the way, but i'm not nearly as crazy as i sound here. this is just the way i think.
i'm just a bit paranoid.
ouch.
*serephym*