Interesting dream . . .
I know I have a strange superstition about what I can and cannot envision. For me, there are some things that my mind's eye refuses to put into any kind of form. Those instances that I try to imagine or get a feel for and fail, tend to be things that just aren't meant to be.
Example: When David went off on deployment, I spent months trying to visualize what it would be like when he got back. For the life of me, my mind would not produce a single image of him coming home on the ship. I knew what it was like when the ship had arrived in San Diego from being in Virginia, but the image just wouldn't come. The only thing I could see was an airport situation, which made NO sense. Sure enough a couple of weeks before they were due back, his grandfather passed away, and he flew from Hawaii to Nebraska, and his dad and I picked him up from the airport.
So last night I had my first "pregnancy" dream. I don't really think I am pregnant at the moment, but this is the first time I've ever been able to conjure up an image of myself being in a gravid state. This is a huge deal to me, but I know it's only because of my superstition that it has such an impact on my psyche.
I know it's silly to stick to such a strange superstition, but it seems to work in spite of my silliness to believe it. I know the moment I decided to invest emotion with my relationship to Justin. I saw him sitting in the front seat of my car, and I had just handed him my coat to hold. He folded it, and was holding it like a it was a baby. I saw him as a father, and knew that I was ready at that point to take the relationship to a more significant level.
Anyway, the dream I had excites me. For once in my life I feel HOPE at the possibility of bearing a child. This was a fear I have held close inside for a long time. With David, the only visions of children I could imagine was "picking them up" and no pregnancy involved. That's not a bad thing, but I've always wanted to experience the miracle of creating LIFE within my own body. It's silly, but I've never fealt entirely female, because I was afraid this aspect was physically impossible for me.
Maybe, just maybe . . . I am capable of being a REAL woman, with the ability to create life.
Example: When David went off on deployment, I spent months trying to visualize what it would be like when he got back. For the life of me, my mind would not produce a single image of him coming home on the ship. I knew what it was like when the ship had arrived in San Diego from being in Virginia, but the image just wouldn't come. The only thing I could see was an airport situation, which made NO sense. Sure enough a couple of weeks before they were due back, his grandfather passed away, and he flew from Hawaii to Nebraska, and his dad and I picked him up from the airport.
So last night I had my first "pregnancy" dream. I don't really think I am pregnant at the moment, but this is the first time I've ever been able to conjure up an image of myself being in a gravid state. This is a huge deal to me, but I know it's only because of my superstition that it has such an impact on my psyche.
I know it's silly to stick to such a strange superstition, but it seems to work in spite of my silliness to believe it. I know the moment I decided to invest emotion with my relationship to Justin. I saw him sitting in the front seat of my car, and I had just handed him my coat to hold. He folded it, and was holding it like a it was a baby. I saw him as a father, and knew that I was ready at that point to take the relationship to a more significant level.
Anyway, the dream I had excites me. For once in my life I feel HOPE at the possibility of bearing a child. This was a fear I have held close inside for a long time. With David, the only visions of children I could imagine was "picking them up" and no pregnancy involved. That's not a bad thing, but I've always wanted to experience the miracle of creating LIFE within my own body. It's silly, but I've never fealt entirely female, because I was afraid this aspect was physically impossible for me.
Maybe, just maybe . . . I am capable of being a REAL woman, with the ability to create life.