Fic: Doctor Who-Never Quite Gone (Ten/Rose) Chapter 1
Title: Never Quite Gone
Author: Carla
Rating: PG-13 for the moment
Characters: Ten/Rose
Spoilers: Post-Doomsday, season three including Last of the Time Lords
Disclaimer: Not mine etc.
Summary: Rose finds she is not as alone as she thought and neither is the Doctor. Reunion fic.
Author Notes: First time writing in this fandom, I’m also not British and haven’t seen Classic Doctor Who (I know, how do I sleep at night?).
It had started a week after they had gotten back from Bad Wolf Bay, Rose had woken up in a sweat, images of a red alien spider, a giant hole in the ground and a red-headed woman in a wedding dress, still clinging to her mind. But that wasn’t what had her sobbing with tears. It was the anger and loss that had filled her seeming dream. It was as if she was seeing through the Doctor’s eyes and feeling his pain. She was scared for him, he was so full of loneliness in this dream. As tears ran down her face, she viciously prayed that it really was a dream because if this really was how he was feeling, it would kill her.
Nothing had happened again for a few days and Rose had passed the experience off as a dream and nothing more. She still dreamt of the Doctor but they were visions from before or images of them reuniting again. They were never of the same intensity as the earlier dream though.
Subsequently Rose had spent most of her time sleeping, just so she could feel that tiny bit closer to the Doctor. She never wanted to eat and the only person she would talk to was her mum. Mickey had tried but Rose was sure that he couldn’t understand why she refused to move on and Pete just wasn’t sure what to do. Her mum knew what it was like to lose someone and she had held her as she’d sobbed the entire car ride home from Norway. Jackie had made endless cups of tea and had personally seen to the cook learning how to make the perfect chips.
Despite her mum’s reassurance that Rose needed to take her time with her grief, Rose knew she had to get up some time. She just wasn’t quite ready for that yet.
“Rose, sweetheart?” Jackie knocked on the door lightly, carrying a cup of tea. She sat down on the bed next to Rose and passed her the cup.
Rose managed a smile, “Thanks Mum.”
“I know you’re feeling like absolute rubbish right now but Pete has arranged for you to go into Torchwood today. Just for a little while, “Jackie added when Rose’s face cringed. “It’ll help just to get your mind off it, even for a few hours.”
‘It’ being the Doctor, a word everyone around her had stopped using and she was finding it too difficult to utter that name aloud as well. Rose pondered the suggestion. Torchwood had so many memories attached to it, painful memories. But Rose realized that she would have to deal with it sooner or later and now was as good a time as ever.
She’d survived the day and agreed to come in for a few hours every day, as a sort of consultant. It didn’t take her long before she fell back into bed though and this time her dreams were full of a dark girl by the name of Martha Jones and big rhinoceros looking aliens. Like her first dream, the images were in snatches, as were the feelings. But she clearly seen when he’d kissed her, Martha, snogged her right good, Rose thought bitterly. But at the same time, Rose felt the Doctor’s guilt, he felt like he was betraying her.
When she woke up the next morning, her head was raging, pain throbbing through her. It took several painkillers and even more hours before she was finally able to open her eyes to the light. By then, her dream had become a distant memory. Despite how real it was Rose knew it was a dream for sure. She knew it because it wasn’t possible for the Doctor to feel guilty over Rose. She knew he’d move on, that he’d find some else. As hard as it was for her to admit, it’s what he’d done for his entire life, there was no reason that would change now.
That realization kept Rose in bed for the next couple of days, though this time she refused to sleep. She couldn’t handle seeing his face, his voice or anything connected to him. She’d lost herself in television and movies. Watching a fake reality was much easier than dealing with her own life.
Eventually sleep did overtake her and she dreamt of him again, this time it wasn’t just a flash of images and feelings but like she was watching a scene being played out. She saw through the Doctor’s eyes as he leaned over the Martha girl, concern and anger raging through him. Rose watched as a woman with long ginger hair pointed at the Doctor and then said her name, Rose. She felt a surge of emotion, of strength…of love, come from the Doctor. Cause that name keeps me fighting.
Rose awoke suddenly, guilt running through her. He was still fighting, he kept going and here she was, wasting away in front of the Telly. Even if he could come back to her, Rose was sure she would never want him to see her like this.
It was still early in the morning but Rose decided she wasn’t going to waste anymore time in bed. She got up, showered and headed down to the kitchen for a cup of tea. It wasn’t long before Pete was up as well, a surprised look on his face, at seeing Rose up and dressed this early.
“I was hoping I could come to work today. I know I missed a few days but I’m ready now.”
Pete sat down at the table next to her, “Rose it’s okay, I think we pushed you too early, we all understand if you need more time.” He squeezed her hand warmly in his.
Rose smiled at him, probably one of the few smiles she’d given him since being stuck in this other world. “I need something to get my mind off everything. Plus he…the Doctor wouldn’t want to see me hiding away from everything. So even if I’m just doing it for him right now, well, at least I want to give it a try.”
Pete smiled warmly at her and Rose was so thankful that even though she was trapped here, at least she’d gotten to know him. In fact, now that she thought about it, after all the effort she’d gone to just to meet him in the first place, she certainly wasn’t taking advantage of the situation. And what about what the Doctor had said to her, about the One Adventure I can never have, shouldn’t she be grateful? Well, that was taking it a bit far, since the only adventure she truly wanted was with him. Still, for appearances sake she was going to try to move on.
Rose continued on for the next few weeks like this, throwing all her attention into Torchwood and any remaining she tried to give to her family. She still cried herself to sleep every night and when she finally fell asleep, she would see the Doctor’s life until she got up the next morning. Rose had secretly admitted to herself that these weren’t dreams, that she was actually seeing what the Doctor was doing and how he was feeling. There were too many things she hadn’t seen for them to be just memories and the visions were linear, not just a jumble of unconscious memories and desires.
She saw when he took Martha New New York, felt his hope when the Face of Bo told him he was not alone. She also saw when he would sit in Rose’s room, staring off into space for hours, sometimes even laying on her bed and sleeping. She knew he hadn’t forgotten about her, he thought about her ever so much that it broke her heart. All she wished was that she could say something or just send him some sort of message to tell him that she missed him more than anything and that she loved him.
Whatever insecurities she’d had after the beach, even after the first couple of visions, were gone now and she felt stupid for thinking them. He loved her. Even though he never said it, she could feel his love. She was starting to wish he didn’t when she saw the pain he was in, how alone he felt.
She kept her new found sight to her self, she didn’t need her family thinking that she had lost it even more than they already assumed. Torchwood definitely had no business knowing, despite the fact that they too wouldn’t believe her either. Since she only experienced it while she slept, it never became a problem.
Although perhaps it was becoming a problem. As the time wore on, Rose couldn’t resist the temptation to see what he was doing, hoping that he’d look in a mirror so she could finally see his face. She would run home from work and take quick naps or even if she could sneak in a few at work she would. Often times she’d show up late for work because she had spent the morning crying after seeing the Doctor, especially when he was upset. The headaches were still present too, although the pain had decreased since that first time.
Her work at Torchwood did remind her almost daily of the Doctor. They had put her up in her own office, although it was nothing to boast of, being both small and not very private. Windows encircled the office so she had a clear view of all the other offices and the lab across the hall and they had a clear view of her. She did have a large window that faced outside, which when she worked late into the night, an often occurrence since she slept during the day, she could stare out at the sky at the stars she so longed to join.
She couldn’t complain about her work, it was interesting and she was learning new things every day. Whenever Torchwood found an alien object, they brought it to her. Most of the time she could only guess at what it was, knowing the Doctor would have announced it to be something entirely different. But he wasn’t there and Rose was the best they had, so both parties took it for its worth.
All of that changed one morning about a month after the visions had started. Rose had been sitting in her office, when her head exploded with images and feelings. Everything around her disappeared and she was suddenly pulled into the Doctor’s head.
Alright so it’s my turn, then kill me!