(no subject)
Well, the semester is nearly over, 5 days left of it. It seems like it's over way too soon. I've been feeling really depressed lately, and I'm not sure exactly why I feel this way. I know I have winter depression, but I've never had it this bad before, if this is what is causing my depression. I feel so listless and lonely that it's not even funny. It's like everyone doesn't want to hang out with me anymore . . . I know everyone's busy with finals and all that, but still . . . I just feel like I'm this horrible person. I dunno . . . maybe I'm not speaking up enough and saying what I want and need, but honestly that makes me feel selfish and petty. I just feel like I'm alone all the time, and one of my biggest fears is being alone.
I really don't want to go home over break. I know my house is supposed to be finished and all, but it's not the house I grew up in, or the room I've had for as long as I can remember. I don't deal well with major changes, and I'd have to say that this one is pretty damn major. I REALLY don't want to be alone over break, especially trying to put this damn house back together. My parents aren't even decorating the house for Christmas. That disappoints me al lot. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. I love how different the decorations make the house look. It gives me hope during a dark time of the year. I'm going to miss everyone horribly, and I think that is what's going to be the most painful for me. I've gotten so used to everyone being around all the time, that being apart is almost unfathomable.
I feel empty and unwanted. I just want someone to want me, and say that they want me. I don't think it would make any difference if I disappeared. Maybe I've already lived out my purpose in life. I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide or anything. Far from it. I just feel like my existence isn't making a difference in anyone's life.
Right now, I just want to drift away. I want someone to hold me, so I can sleep and slowly just drift away, knowing that there is at least one person that does care about me, that I do make a difference to.
Hope floats.
I don't.
I'm falling.
Help.
I really don't want to go home over break. I know my house is supposed to be finished and all, but it's not the house I grew up in, or the room I've had for as long as I can remember. I don't deal well with major changes, and I'd have to say that this one is pretty damn major. I REALLY don't want to be alone over break, especially trying to put this damn house back together. My parents aren't even decorating the house for Christmas. That disappoints me al lot. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. I love how different the decorations make the house look. It gives me hope during a dark time of the year. I'm going to miss everyone horribly, and I think that is what's going to be the most painful for me. I've gotten so used to everyone being around all the time, that being apart is almost unfathomable.
I feel empty and unwanted. I just want someone to want me, and say that they want me. I don't think it would make any difference if I disappeared. Maybe I've already lived out my purpose in life. I'm not saying that I'm going to commit suicide or anything. Far from it. I just feel like my existence isn't making a difference in anyone's life.
Right now, I just want to drift away. I want someone to hold me, so I can sleep and slowly just drift away, knowing that there is at least one person that does care about me, that I do make a difference to.
Hope floats.
I don't.
I'm falling.
Help.