What did I do to deserve something so beautiful, innocent, and pure?

[sereneskye]

Allison is now 2 years and 1 month. A lot of the times I still can't believe she's mine. Considering the person I was then (not that I was bad, just a little too carefree), it still amazes me that I actually have a beautiful little girl. Since I see her all the time, her size and what not doesn't really phase me because she doesn't seem to grow as fast as other people say she does. But looking back on the past 2 years and how much she's grown as a person - it sometimes brings tears to my eyes. She has a lot of struggles ahead of her since she's diabetic and can't live a "normal" lifestyle. It really breaks my heart at times when she's begging me for a banana or orange, and I have to tell her "No." If I could, I'd give her all those things, but in reality she can't have those things whenever she wants. It's not easy to deal with and it's VERY frustrating at times, but there is nothing I can do to reverse what's happened to her. I blame myself a lot for it, too. "Why couldn't I just keep breast-feeding her? I stayed at home for the first 9 months of her life, why couldn't I be stronger about things and not give up breast-feeding? Why did I start smoking again?! Why couldn't it be me instead? Why didn't I eat better and be more active while I was pregnant? Why did I have to pass on that gene to her?" these are just some of the thoughts that go through my head when I think about her being diabetic. Now that I'm an at home mom, I feel even more useless. We mostly just sit around and watch kid movies together. If I need to run errands, we'll go do that too, but most of the time is spent in the living room doing nothing. Sometimes we draw together, sometimes we read together, sometimes we nap together. I've been thinking about signing up for a play group so that she can spend time with other kids too. I think it'll be good for her, and for me too.

We'll be going to VA in a few days. I'm kind of excited, a whole lot of nervous. Meeting new people isn't really my strong point, and if I don't feel an instant connection with them, it's even worse. I talked to Sharon a little today. I miss her so much, and I REALLY REALLY hope I get to see her while we're there. Anyway...enough of my babbling...I'm gonna go see if Allison is ready to eat now...since earlier all I got was a screaming "NOOOOOOO!"