still learning

[serenegamboler]

the white cloud i sleep with
crashes over me like a tidal wave.
i curl my spine into an umbrella,
knowing it cannot protect me from the weight
any more than my rib cage did my heart
from the pain of your leaving.

the hard, coarse drum i lay on
reverberates with my gasps.
the coils i burrow between
echo in G.
Grip. Gurgle. Grind.

Where can i find
solace from the ache that binds
my lungs, burning the oxygen
as it creeps out my nostrils
like fiery molasses?

where can i hide
the quivering in my gut
as i face the world
once again on my own?
how can i stand
on my own two feet,
having fastened my heart
to yours, although you have since flown?

loving you was not the tragic flaw,
naivete and foolishness
has wrecked my warmth
and left my bed a tear-stained mess.
letting your words become law
and your smile my sun
was where my hubris
was allowed to have begun.

you sauntered into my slow globe world
and made no permanent commitment,
but showed me how to recognize
real human feelings
and how to internalize
real human love.
then out you went to continue your work
having never intended
i be dropped on my head.

i clung too close,
afraid of life without you--
but never accepting that
i had already made it thus far
not even knowing you.