(no subject)
Apparently I'm just supposed to go back to how I was before.
Or maybe I'm supposed to act more distraught.
I shouldn't have to feel like every move I make now is being carefully watched and scrutenized not because people are worried about me, oh no, but because people are worried about how my actions will look. At leas that's how I feel.
This whole time people have used this term "everyone has their own way of handling things" to help me feel better about the way Mark talked or the way Rich acted.
But it seems like people have this picture in their mind of how I'm supposed to act or express how I feel.
I'm sorry, but that picture in your head is not me.
I assure you I feel plenty shitty enough without having to fucking worry about what other people think of me.
I'm not trying to forget him. I don't ever want to forget him.
But staying at home staring at the walls suffocates me.
I'm not hanging out with these guys for any other reason than they are my friends and I can't just sit at home. I do not have other intentions, nor do they.
I reall need friends right now.
Am I supposed to apologize for that?
Am I supposed to apologize because for some reason I seem to have more guys friends and I get along better with them??
Am I supposed to apologize for trying not to just lay around all of the time with no purpose and no goals and just let the depression eat me alive??
Fuck no.
I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
I'm angry, I'll be the first to admit that.
I'm depressed, I'll admit that too.
But right now, since I'm not taking classes and I can't just sit at home all the time, I choose to get off my ass and at least try to have a good time. Even if that means becoming a little bit of a night owl. Even if it means (oh heaven forbid), hanging out with people my parents have never met.
I really need to get the hell out of here.
Or maybe I'm supposed to act more distraught.
I shouldn't have to feel like every move I make now is being carefully watched and scrutenized not because people are worried about me, oh no, but because people are worried about how my actions will look. At leas that's how I feel.
This whole time people have used this term "everyone has their own way of handling things" to help me feel better about the way Mark talked or the way Rich acted.
But it seems like people have this picture in their mind of how I'm supposed to act or express how I feel.
I'm sorry, but that picture in your head is not me.
I assure you I feel plenty shitty enough without having to fucking worry about what other people think of me.
I'm not trying to forget him. I don't ever want to forget him.
But staying at home staring at the walls suffocates me.
I'm not hanging out with these guys for any other reason than they are my friends and I can't just sit at home. I do not have other intentions, nor do they.
I reall need friends right now.
Am I supposed to apologize for that?
Am I supposed to apologize because for some reason I seem to have more guys friends and I get along better with them??
Am I supposed to apologize for trying not to just lay around all of the time with no purpose and no goals and just let the depression eat me alive??
Fuck no.
I'm a big girl.
I can take care of myself.
I'm angry, I'll be the first to admit that.
I'm depressed, I'll admit that too.
But right now, since I'm not taking classes and I can't just sit at home all the time, I choose to get off my ass and at least try to have a good time. Even if that means becoming a little bit of a night owl. Even if it means (oh heaven forbid), hanging out with people my parents have never met.
I really need to get the hell out of here.