One Year Ago Today:
9:43p - addiction.....
What can I say....it throws me for such a loop sometimes. Let me explain....
Last Friday, I momentarily thought about using drugs at some party I planned on going to. With the help of Mischa, we decided it would be "setting ourselves up for disaster" if we made an apperance there, and chose to stay at home instead.
GOOD DECISION
So yeah, after all that I come to find that 5 lives, who were ALL indirectly in some way connected to mine, have been lost to fucking drugs/alcohol...IN THE PAST WEEK!!
*pounds keyboard*
THAT ALONE is enough to make me not use...never, ever EVER again. That was God, speaking a message so loud and clear to me, that I couldnt just ignore it or push it away. He was showing me exactly where I would end up if I pick up another drug. You could say (har har) that He put the fear of God in my heart.
DUDE thats so ironic....because when I first came home and admitted to my mom that I was an addict, she said to me "I am praying that Brian, a coworker who is in recovery will put the FEAR OF GOD IN YOU" Well, Brian did not, but this sure as fuck did.
My point in all this jibber jabber IS that, today while I was daydreaming at work, I find myself thinking about Cocaine...and needles...and how good that sounded. I kept going with the thought that OOH I will be in Columbus this weekend and I know TONS of people that would gladly make a quick buck off my addict ass. WHO THE FUCK THINKS THAT AFTER THE SCENERIO I JUST PRESENTED TO YOU PEOPLE???
I do...because its the nature of this cunning disease. When I snapped back into reality...I was so scared. The Serenity Prayer flooded my head...about a thousand times. I needed to talk to someone.
Thank goodness for Narcotics Anonymous and the people of the fellowship. I went to a meeting and dont you know....the topic pertained to asking God to guide you and cease the fears we face in life. Another miracle compliments of the man upstairs :)
Life is so making sense to me right now. Everything that happens to me I can explain....right away. It all comes back to one thing....God. He is showing me, slowly so that I can learn to trust him, that he is the reason I am here....living and breathing...ACTUALLY living, not just existing anymore. He is putting situations into my life day after day that make me so happy to still be alive and sober....and most of all living life in His honor for Him. I am far from where I should be but...change takes time. I know that I am working to become in Gods image and its the best feeling in the world....better than any cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, Ketamine, crystal. Its a natural high, and I believe thats the way it should be.
I also have to say before I go that this journal has become my new best friend. When I need to get things off my chest or clear my head from daily CRAPOLA that goes on at work or socially I can find peace in writing about it :)
YAY wooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooo GO ME!
current mood: high
current music: DJ Funk - Im so high What?? High on life people...LIFE!!!
So much changes in a year's time. So damn much. *sigh*
What can I say....it throws me for such a loop sometimes. Let me explain....
Last Friday, I momentarily thought about using drugs at some party I planned on going to. With the help of Mischa, we decided it would be "setting ourselves up for disaster" if we made an apperance there, and chose to stay at home instead.
GOOD DECISION
So yeah, after all that I come to find that 5 lives, who were ALL indirectly in some way connected to mine, have been lost to fucking drugs/alcohol...IN THE PAST WEEK!!
*pounds keyboard*
THAT ALONE is enough to make me not use...never, ever EVER again. That was God, speaking a message so loud and clear to me, that I couldnt just ignore it or push it away. He was showing me exactly where I would end up if I pick up another drug. You could say (har har) that He put the fear of God in my heart.
DUDE thats so ironic....because when I first came home and admitted to my mom that I was an addict, she said to me "I am praying that Brian, a coworker who is in recovery will put the FEAR OF GOD IN YOU" Well, Brian did not, but this sure as fuck did.
My point in all this jibber jabber IS that, today while I was daydreaming at work, I find myself thinking about Cocaine...and needles...and how good that sounded. I kept going with the thought that OOH I will be in Columbus this weekend and I know TONS of people that would gladly make a quick buck off my addict ass. WHO THE FUCK THINKS THAT AFTER THE SCENERIO I JUST PRESENTED TO YOU PEOPLE???
I do...because its the nature of this cunning disease. When I snapped back into reality...I was so scared. The Serenity Prayer flooded my head...about a thousand times. I needed to talk to someone.
Thank goodness for Narcotics Anonymous and the people of the fellowship. I went to a meeting and dont you know....the topic pertained to asking God to guide you and cease the fears we face in life. Another miracle compliments of the man upstairs :)
Life is so making sense to me right now. Everything that happens to me I can explain....right away. It all comes back to one thing....God. He is showing me, slowly so that I can learn to trust him, that he is the reason I am here....living and breathing...ACTUALLY living, not just existing anymore. He is putting situations into my life day after day that make me so happy to still be alive and sober....and most of all living life in His honor for Him. I am far from where I should be but...change takes time. I know that I am working to become in Gods image and its the best feeling in the world....better than any cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, Ketamine, crystal. Its a natural high, and I believe thats the way it should be.
I also have to say before I go that this journal has become my new best friend. When I need to get things off my chest or clear my head from daily CRAPOLA that goes on at work or socially I can find peace in writing about it :)
YAY wooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooo GO ME!
current mood: high
current music: DJ Funk - Im so high What?? High on life people...LIFE!!!
So much changes in a year's time. So damn much. *sigh*