(no subject)
I remember writing an entry some time ago entitled "Depressing Entry, I am worthless!!!". I hate that I wrote something like that. Yes, we all have our worth, equal and fair. I guess I'm just having a hard time finding mine.
Today, for the most part, felt like it wasn't real. Like I was walking in a dream. I just felt.......not all there. Like part of me was missing. The part of me that laughed the entire day, from anything stupid enough to set off the silly alarm in my laugh-box. The part of me that just walked down the hall and smiled for no good reason, just smiling because my friend was just down the hall and I wanted to make her smile. The part of me that would hug anyone, anytime, just to make them smile a little bit....or think I was crazy.
And if you know me well enough, thats the epitome of me. I always want to make someone smile, in anyway possible. Whether I said something funny. Whether my reaction to some random thing was just 'priceless'. Maybe I could hug them and make them think I was crazy....insane, but happy.
So today, I walked around feeling.....like I wasn't me. Like I was some different person who had the happiness sucked right out of there hearts.
I don't know why I"m like this. But it sucks. Bigtime.
I hate algebra. And, I mean, once someone other than the teacher explains it to me, I get it. I think it's the teacher. Man, I just don't like her. She'd be great at a language, I"m sure, but she doesn't have the mathmatical mind.
Chemistry was just.....chemistry.
I had to read my short story aloud in English. Okay, I guess. Kendahl said it was good.
I wrote this weird anagram poem during study hall after I worked on my latin.
Lunch was horrible. I made up my rice, and went to the history room to watch the movie, as usual. But, I couldn't enjoy it. I just got up and left. I don't think anyone noticed. Then I just sat at the other end of the school and wrote. More poems. I mean, this horribly silly stupid thing was going on inches from me, and nothing made me laugh. Katie ran into the girls room with Pyle's cell phone. Wil was just cracking up so much I thought he would cry. But I couldn't even smile. It was fucking hilarious and i couldn't smile.
Maybe my mouth is broken.
History was just......weird. Evan cheered me up a bit. In between lecture notes he wrote stupid things on my paper. We have an inside joke, I guess. When he decided to live in the closet between Kelsey and my apartment, he just randomly decided he was our husband. I remember last week, when in the middle of history he just yelled out "I want a divorce!!!" It was so hilarious. I could laugh then. But not today. He wrote on my hand. The strangest thing in the entire world. "I miss you."
What does that mean? I was sitting right next to him.
Am I all that different to be missed?
I just don't know.
Honestly, the only part of the day that really cheered me up was 7th hour, because Mr Pugh was not there. We had a study hall. Mary, bless her heart, helped me with my algebra 2. AK, bless his heart, made me laugh for a good ten minutes.
Tabye.....just bless her. Bless her. She seems to be the only one who will give me a hug. She is one of two people at school who knows that i feel like crap. she just hugged me forever. i love tabye so much. it's insane.
somehow i got suckered into going to the halloween party on friday. i don't know how that happened, but it did. i guess i need to have some fun, maybe that will get me out of my funk. you'll never guess what i wound up deciding on.
The Queen of Hearts. Its going to be a cool costume. Started with a tavern-maid dress, add a red cape, red wig, crown, mini-septar to wack people with, and two packs of cards. i'm taking all the hearts and stapling them to my dress.
I am probably the best liar in the world. Maybe the best actress. Other than Tabye i had the whole school fooled that nothing was wrong. I was just 'tired.'. I'd love to say that I"m depressed for no reason, but what good would that do? First of all, how many would care? Second of all, I"m not going to bother them with my problems. I don't do that. I refuse.
Today, for the most part, felt like it wasn't real. Like I was walking in a dream. I just felt.......not all there. Like part of me was missing. The part of me that laughed the entire day, from anything stupid enough to set off the silly alarm in my laugh-box. The part of me that just walked down the hall and smiled for no good reason, just smiling because my friend was just down the hall and I wanted to make her smile. The part of me that would hug anyone, anytime, just to make them smile a little bit....or think I was crazy.
And if you know me well enough, thats the epitome of me. I always want to make someone smile, in anyway possible. Whether I said something funny. Whether my reaction to some random thing was just 'priceless'. Maybe I could hug them and make them think I was crazy....insane, but happy.
So today, I walked around feeling.....like I wasn't me. Like I was some different person who had the happiness sucked right out of there hearts.
I don't know why I"m like this. But it sucks. Bigtime.
I hate algebra. And, I mean, once someone other than the teacher explains it to me, I get it. I think it's the teacher. Man, I just don't like her. She'd be great at a language, I"m sure, but she doesn't have the mathmatical mind.
Chemistry was just.....chemistry.
I had to read my short story aloud in English. Okay, I guess. Kendahl said it was good.
I wrote this weird anagram poem during study hall after I worked on my latin.
Lunch was horrible. I made up my rice, and went to the history room to watch the movie, as usual. But, I couldn't enjoy it. I just got up and left. I don't think anyone noticed. Then I just sat at the other end of the school and wrote. More poems. I mean, this horribly silly stupid thing was going on inches from me, and nothing made me laugh. Katie ran into the girls room with Pyle's cell phone. Wil was just cracking up so much I thought he would cry. But I couldn't even smile. It was fucking hilarious and i couldn't smile.
Maybe my mouth is broken.
History was just......weird. Evan cheered me up a bit. In between lecture notes he wrote stupid things on my paper. We have an inside joke, I guess. When he decided to live in the closet between Kelsey and my apartment, he just randomly decided he was our husband. I remember last week, when in the middle of history he just yelled out "I want a divorce!!!" It was so hilarious. I could laugh then. But not today. He wrote on my hand. The strangest thing in the entire world. "I miss you."
What does that mean? I was sitting right next to him.
Am I all that different to be missed?
I just don't know.
Honestly, the only part of the day that really cheered me up was 7th hour, because Mr Pugh was not there. We had a study hall. Mary, bless her heart, helped me with my algebra 2. AK, bless his heart, made me laugh for a good ten minutes.
Tabye.....just bless her. Bless her. She seems to be the only one who will give me a hug. She is one of two people at school who knows that i feel like crap. she just hugged me forever. i love tabye so much. it's insane.
somehow i got suckered into going to the halloween party on friday. i don't know how that happened, but it did. i guess i need to have some fun, maybe that will get me out of my funk. you'll never guess what i wound up deciding on.
The Queen of Hearts. Its going to be a cool costume. Started with a tavern-maid dress, add a red cape, red wig, crown, mini-septar to wack people with, and two packs of cards. i'm taking all the hearts and stapling them to my dress.
I am probably the best liar in the world. Maybe the best actress. Other than Tabye i had the whole school fooled that nothing was wrong. I was just 'tired.'. I'd love to say that I"m depressed for no reason, but what good would that do? First of all, how many would care? Second of all, I"m not going to bother them with my problems. I don't do that. I refuse.