(no subject)
s will probably be the shortest entry.
Ever.
I just don't feel like anything.
Nothing.
And I don't know the fuck why.
Like everything is just burying me underneath air, and yet, I can't escape.
Like I"m drowning in nothing.
I don't want to be who I am. I want to be someone else. Someone who has everything. But doesn't know it. I see so many faces at school that I just wish I could be. I don't want to be me. I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Someone...just not me. I'm sick of living with all my flaws. All these things that I hate about myself.
I could be an actress. I really could. I'm so fucking good at faking a smile. Really. Truly. Monday, I felt so shitty. Today, I felt even worse. But I feigned a few laughs. Forced smiles. Made myself talk. I even pretended to have fun watching The Village with Tabye.
I wish I could tell all of my friends exactly how I feel. But I cant' do that. I don't like bothering people with my problems. I write about them, here, and expect nothing in return.
I just wish I knew what hte fuck the problem was. I just don't know. I couldn't do shit at work today, which made me feel worse.
.....maybe I'll just never live up to what anyone wants me to be. teachers. friends. parents. me. i can't do it. it will get me in the end. i feel so non-unique. so normal. like a wall. a blank wall. no artwork, no trimming, no windows.
just wall.
i wonder if I can make it through this week at all. i guarentee i'll just randomly break down tomorrow in some random class because i misunderstood something for one spilt second. i'd bet my life on it.
i gues it didn't help that i randomly decided to mess up jays hair. I was talking to AK, and jay was there too. just talking. fine. whatever. i was too icky to give one fucking damn. so i said 'you know what? i'm going to do something i haven't done in a while' and i messed up his hair. then went in the bathroom and cried.
I guess it doesn't help much either that everyone seems to have abandoned me for him. not that i'm surprised. i'm really not. i'm not looking for sympathy.
I'm looking for what's wrong.
Ever.
I just don't feel like anything.
Nothing.
And I don't know the fuck why.
Like everything is just burying me underneath air, and yet, I can't escape.
Like I"m drowning in nothing.
I don't want to be who I am. I want to be someone else. Someone who has everything. But doesn't know it. I see so many faces at school that I just wish I could be. I don't want to be me. I want to be someone else. Anyone else. Someone...just not me. I'm sick of living with all my flaws. All these things that I hate about myself.
I could be an actress. I really could. I'm so fucking good at faking a smile. Really. Truly. Monday, I felt so shitty. Today, I felt even worse. But I feigned a few laughs. Forced smiles. Made myself talk. I even pretended to have fun watching The Village with Tabye.
I wish I could tell all of my friends exactly how I feel. But I cant' do that. I don't like bothering people with my problems. I write about them, here, and expect nothing in return.
I just wish I knew what hte fuck the problem was. I just don't know. I couldn't do shit at work today, which made me feel worse.
.....maybe I'll just never live up to what anyone wants me to be. teachers. friends. parents. me. i can't do it. it will get me in the end. i feel so non-unique. so normal. like a wall. a blank wall. no artwork, no trimming, no windows.
just wall.
i wonder if I can make it through this week at all. i guarentee i'll just randomly break down tomorrow in some random class because i misunderstood something for one spilt second. i'd bet my life on it.
i gues it didn't help that i randomly decided to mess up jays hair. I was talking to AK, and jay was there too. just talking. fine. whatever. i was too icky to give one fucking damn. so i said 'you know what? i'm going to do something i haven't done in a while' and i messed up his hair. then went in the bathroom and cried.
I guess it doesn't help much either that everyone seems to have abandoned me for him. not that i'm surprised. i'm really not. i'm not looking for sympathy.
I'm looking for what's wrong.