(no subject)
Ugh. It's been a week. It's been a week since I've updated. It's been a week since I ended driver's ed. It's just been a long annoying week.
I don't even remember Monday or Sunday. urgh.
Tuesday was boring. Long and boring. Had class up until lunch. Then had a two hour bus ride to Traverse City for choir festival. Ride there was just. . . meh. Well, not meh. Just sort of long. Made me yearn for something different. And remembering all of that gives me a knot in my stomach because of what happened today, but I'll get to that later, I suppose. Anyway, the festival went well. One of the judges gave us a 1, another was a 2+, and the last was a straight 2. So close, so close. But we got a 1 in sightreading. A lot better than the straight three's last year. Eeeps. Dont' even want to remember that. The ride home was nice. Talked with Mary. About my Dylan. About her lack of love life from living up here all her life.About how she's going to China. I said she was going to find her boyfriend there. She'll call me up at five in the morning and say "I found my Chinese boyfriend!" and hang up. Gotta love Mary.
Wednesday was probably the best day of the entire week. And the only time I remember is lunch. Had lunch with Jenna and her friend Willow. Talked about cats, hair, lemonade, and how she wants to be an artist. And then we went outside and were monkeys. Pushed them on the swings. Went down the slide. Played on the monkey bars. I love little kids.
I don't want Jenna and Willow to grow up. I just don't. I want them to stay short and squishy forever. I want them to keep believing in santa claus. I want them to have conversations at lunch about kitties and potato chips without worrying about allergies or calories. Because the real world is absolute hell.
Went home yesterday for killer cramps. I get those about once a year. Oddly enough, the last time I got them was on March 11th or 12th during a dance concert rehearsal. Maybe march is just period hell for me. Came home, settled in for a Disney movie marathon, and only got through Free Willy before I fell asleep. And all that succeeded in doing was making me want to go to Seattle.
Fuck.
Today was awful. With all of my heart, I did NOT want to go to school today. And my mom doesn't seem to realize that at my school, taking a day like that once in a while is OKAY. ACCEPTABLE. I'm sure a few teachers do it, I'll be damned if KB hasn't. But we work our asses off, and they understand that. I just wish mom understood it. So I had a huge fight with her this morning. God, I hate fighting.
Crap day at school. The only thing that made me laugh today was during 5th hour, I went to the bathroom. A few seconds later, this little kid (had to be, I just sort of know) walks in, goes to the last stall, sits down and starts singing her heart out. I mean belting it out, hitting wrong notes, not even singing a song. Just five minutes of vocalizing. It was so fucking funny, I had to bite my lip so I wouldnt' crack up. I even recorded some of it on my phone. I got back to class and played it for everyone. They cracked up too. Felt nice to smile.
I am terrified. Of the fucking real world. Mom pulled me into Sunset Park looking over the bay after school. Sat and talked/argued for an hour and a half. God, I hate it there. She told me that the easiest thing to do, if I couldn't work harder, would be to live at home after I graduate and go to NCMC and get my associates. I told her it'd kill me. But I can't do anything else. I really can't. I don't even think I can go to Traverse City for college.
If I stay here and go to college, I'll die from having to stay in fucking northern michigan for another two years. It will break my heart and I"ll go to bed crying every night.
But if I go to Seattle, life will be so hard and I won't be able to go to college until I esablish residency.
What the fuck can I do?
I kept saying "i can't, I can't, I can't, I can't" over and over. She won't let me say that anymore. It's a bad attitude. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that everyone has just been lying to me when they say I can get the fuck out of here. That I can make it to college.
I thought I was working hard enough to get out of here. I really thought I was. I don't know how much harder I can work. I don't know if I can balance it all. Everything scares me. The thought of not listening to whales. The thought of not getting the hell out of here. The thought of making Dylan stay with me and he'll lose out on making HIS dreams come true. Everything just terrifies me.
I think we decided one what to shoot for, what the best thing would be is: because I can't stay here, because it would kill me, I'm going to try and save up for Seattle. I'm going to get there, find a cheap apartment, and just work my ass off for a year. Save up some money for my living conditions. By then, I'll have residency, and college will be cheaper.
Sound like something achievable?. . . .
I sure as fuck hope so.
I guess after that was good. Went and dug out my car. Yes, I am getting a car! yay! A 1994 Lincoln Continental. It's battery is almost dead and it was on a gallon of gas, but we got it started. It's such a great car. Power everything. Electronic speedometer, milage, everything. I got in, and a name popped into my head: Ernest. My car's name is Ernest. For some reason I keep think of The Importance of Being Ernest, but that makes no sense. But no matter. I love it.
I guess I've had a bad day. A bad week, rather. I keep trying to get this song, but something is wrong with my debit card. Another reason to have this song, but I'll try and deal otherwise.
Daniel Powter: Bad Day
Where is the moment when needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well all that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
I don't even remember Monday or Sunday. urgh.
Tuesday was boring. Long and boring. Had class up until lunch. Then had a two hour bus ride to Traverse City for choir festival. Ride there was just. . . meh. Well, not meh. Just sort of long. Made me yearn for something different. And remembering all of that gives me a knot in my stomach because of what happened today, but I'll get to that later, I suppose. Anyway, the festival went well. One of the judges gave us a 1, another was a 2+, and the last was a straight 2. So close, so close. But we got a 1 in sightreading. A lot better than the straight three's last year. Eeeps. Dont' even want to remember that. The ride home was nice. Talked with Mary. About my Dylan. About her lack of love life from living up here all her life.About how she's going to China. I said she was going to find her boyfriend there. She'll call me up at five in the morning and say "I found my Chinese boyfriend!" and hang up. Gotta love Mary.
Wednesday was probably the best day of the entire week. And the only time I remember is lunch. Had lunch with Jenna and her friend Willow. Talked about cats, hair, lemonade, and how she wants to be an artist. And then we went outside and were monkeys. Pushed them on the swings. Went down the slide. Played on the monkey bars. I love little kids.
I don't want Jenna and Willow to grow up. I just don't. I want them to stay short and squishy forever. I want them to keep believing in santa claus. I want them to have conversations at lunch about kitties and potato chips without worrying about allergies or calories. Because the real world is absolute hell.
Went home yesterday for killer cramps. I get those about once a year. Oddly enough, the last time I got them was on March 11th or 12th during a dance concert rehearsal. Maybe march is just period hell for me. Came home, settled in for a Disney movie marathon, and only got through Free Willy before I fell asleep. And all that succeeded in doing was making me want to go to Seattle.
Fuck.
Today was awful. With all of my heart, I did NOT want to go to school today. And my mom doesn't seem to realize that at my school, taking a day like that once in a while is OKAY. ACCEPTABLE. I'm sure a few teachers do it, I'll be damned if KB hasn't. But we work our asses off, and they understand that. I just wish mom understood it. So I had a huge fight with her this morning. God, I hate fighting.
Crap day at school. The only thing that made me laugh today was during 5th hour, I went to the bathroom. A few seconds later, this little kid (had to be, I just sort of know) walks in, goes to the last stall, sits down and starts singing her heart out. I mean belting it out, hitting wrong notes, not even singing a song. Just five minutes of vocalizing. It was so fucking funny, I had to bite my lip so I wouldnt' crack up. I even recorded some of it on my phone. I got back to class and played it for everyone. They cracked up too. Felt nice to smile.
I am terrified. Of the fucking real world. Mom pulled me into Sunset Park looking over the bay after school. Sat and talked/argued for an hour and a half. God, I hate it there. She told me that the easiest thing to do, if I couldn't work harder, would be to live at home after I graduate and go to NCMC and get my associates. I told her it'd kill me. But I can't do anything else. I really can't. I don't even think I can go to Traverse City for college.
If I stay here and go to college, I'll die from having to stay in fucking northern michigan for another two years. It will break my heart and I"ll go to bed crying every night.
But if I go to Seattle, life will be so hard and I won't be able to go to college until I esablish residency.
What the fuck can I do?
I kept saying "i can't, I can't, I can't, I can't" over and over. She won't let me say that anymore. It's a bad attitude. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that everyone has just been lying to me when they say I can get the fuck out of here. That I can make it to college.
I thought I was working hard enough to get out of here. I really thought I was. I don't know how much harder I can work. I don't know if I can balance it all. Everything scares me. The thought of not listening to whales. The thought of not getting the hell out of here. The thought of making Dylan stay with me and he'll lose out on making HIS dreams come true. Everything just terrifies me.
I think we decided one what to shoot for, what the best thing would be is: because I can't stay here, because it would kill me, I'm going to try and save up for Seattle. I'm going to get there, find a cheap apartment, and just work my ass off for a year. Save up some money for my living conditions. By then, I'll have residency, and college will be cheaper.
Sound like something achievable?. . . .
I sure as fuck hope so.
I guess after that was good. Went and dug out my car. Yes, I am getting a car! yay! A 1994 Lincoln Continental. It's battery is almost dead and it was on a gallon of gas, but we got it started. It's such a great car. Power everything. Electronic speedometer, milage, everything. I got in, and a name popped into my head: Ernest. My car's name is Ernest. For some reason I keep think of The Importance of Being Ernest, but that makes no sense. But no matter. I love it.
I guess I've had a bad day. A bad week, rather. I keep trying to get this song, but something is wrong with my debit card. Another reason to have this song, but I'll try and deal otherwise.
Daniel Powter: Bad Day
Where is the moment when needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
'Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well all that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work on a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day