I'm really down
Finally, i decided to throw out most of the things which are making me down so much, and making me have the worst thoughts. Maybe if i will write it i will feel better a little. You don't need to read it, cause it's tl;dr.
I'm a just random girl, but have serious problems with the emotions. I'm so psyhically weak, and stressing and getting nervous so easily. Easily enough, to get an painful erosions in my stomach, and in early age. I've had really stressful childhood, because of the situation of my family (especially with father). There was a lot of hard drugs and alcohol, and i cried so much that i must look at it. And live with it.
The dozen of years passed already. I still have those bad thoughts, they still like to come back.
10 years ago we're moved from my grandma's place to new flat, after 2 years of searching renting houses (not so big, about 50square metres, for 5 person family. We don't have money to buy own flat or house).So we're renting it from the commune. Nobody warned us, that this flat has a lot of defects. And for example the roof is leaky. Just abouve my bed. Not only roof. So after 10 years of leaking (especially in winter)all wall and half of ceiling is just yellow and has a lot funge. Which is dangerous to health. I can only dream for normal painted walls. But yeah, who cares... the administration "don't have a money to do something with it). we can't demand to swich the flat for anything else, cause we have a big rent debt. I can't believe that we must pay so much, for something like that. I'm so ashamed to invite my friends. Only very close friends have been in my house, and i trust them, that they're not thinking that we are low standarts family.
Other topic is our neighbours. We have really small block of flats, so everyone know if something is happening. There about 5 flats, and only one neighbour is normal. The rest of them are drunks and THEM.
I will introduce THEM: There is a mother, father, they daughter (about my age ~23yo), and two sons. The worst are the mother (Ev) and daughter (An) - i won't write their names so i will use only first letters. An has 3 childs already, and every child with other man. Now she has a man (Ma) who also has daughter, but with the girl from the next block of flats. Ma is living with them in one flat. The kids have from few months to few years. There are quarrels all the time and drinking bouts. I hate them so much. They moved here about 6 years ago, and they're thinking they're living alone here. They're throwing their thrash by the window for example. Or sitting on the corridor and drink. The father doesn't live with them anymore, because the mother cheated him. The mother is such dumb like others who are living there. They're so noisy, dirty, and STEALING ELECTRICITY.
One floor below, is living a drunk with small 5x5 metres flat. both of them, he and THEY are stealing electricity together. That's why i have problems with electricity and that's why MY TABLET DOESN'T WORK HERE. That's not all. Just right below my flat, there is a room for rent, and there is carpenter's shop. THEY get amazing idea, to burgle there, and rent this room for other (so much stinky!) drunks for a bottles of vodka. They installed a electricity there too OTL. Police and administration know about them very, very well. But the law is so fucked, so they can't make so much enough fast. There is also one normal neighbour floor below, who is fighting so much for they eviction. She has also serious problem with them, cause on the first floor (mine and THEM is second floor) terribly stinks, that's not all. THEY are flooding her flat all the time. She has niagara falls on the walls, half of atlas of the fungs, all that because THEY have broken washing mashine, but they fucking don't care. Not enough? She have a little daughter with serious illness, and she can't live with them because of the conditions. She is doing her best to kick them out of here. I'd help her a lot with love, but my mom is very cautious, cause we have a car (and it's really needed cause my dad is a car courier), and it was spited one time (by THEM). Nobody knows what they can do next time.
I'm dreaming to move frome here. Just everywhere, but not here. But it's impossible. Only solution is to get about $200.000 to get a new flat in the same size (and it's the cheapest price D: ) but it is totally not possible.
Day after day my depression is stronger. I feel that i'm too weak to cope with that. I'm quite ambitious and all of that is overwhelming me. I have "Why me?" thoughts more and more often. Who hate me so much, to curse me? I didn't make anything bad. That's too sad to find a good words to me.
The worst thing is that drawing doesn't give me so much happiness anymore. That's not just artblock. It's a curve which is going down and down. All my happiness, all my strenght, i also lost my optimism long time ago. I want to be happy someday. In this weekend i'm going to buy some christmas gifts. For me the best gift will be just a little of good things. a little light of hope. But i won't get it too soon. And that's a fact and it's sad to know that. (unless, i get the $200.000 lol).
Please, don't tell me that i shouldn't complain, because there are people in worse situation in the world. But damn, this is my life. I want to make it as good as i can, because it's only one.
I just so depressed, cause it seems that i lost it. And mostly by not my fault
*sniff, i want my own bobko to have someone to hug, but i'm sooo unsocial D:*
I'm a just random girl, but have serious problems with the emotions. I'm so psyhically weak, and stressing and getting nervous so easily. Easily enough, to get an painful erosions in my stomach, and in early age. I've had really stressful childhood, because of the situation of my family (especially with father). There was a lot of hard drugs and alcohol, and i cried so much that i must look at it. And live with it.
The dozen of years passed already. I still have those bad thoughts, they still like to come back.
10 years ago we're moved from my grandma's place to new flat, after 2 years of searching renting houses (not so big, about 50square metres, for 5 person family. We don't have money to buy own flat or house).So we're renting it from the commune. Nobody warned us, that this flat has a lot of defects. And for example the roof is leaky. Just abouve my bed. Not only roof. So after 10 years of leaking (especially in winter)all wall and half of ceiling is just yellow and has a lot funge. Which is dangerous to health. I can only dream for normal painted walls. But yeah, who cares... the administration "don't have a money to do something with it). we can't demand to swich the flat for anything else, cause we have a big rent debt. I can't believe that we must pay so much, for something like that. I'm so ashamed to invite my friends. Only very close friends have been in my house, and i trust them, that they're not thinking that we are low standarts family.
Other topic is our neighbours. We have really small block of flats, so everyone know if something is happening. There about 5 flats, and only one neighbour is normal. The rest of them are drunks and THEM.
I will introduce THEM: There is a mother, father, they daughter (about my age ~23yo), and two sons. The worst are the mother (Ev) and daughter (An) - i won't write their names so i will use only first letters. An has 3 childs already, and every child with other man. Now she has a man (Ma) who also has daughter, but with the girl from the next block of flats. Ma is living with them in one flat. The kids have from few months to few years. There are quarrels all the time and drinking bouts. I hate them so much. They moved here about 6 years ago, and they're thinking they're living alone here. They're throwing their thrash by the window for example. Or sitting on the corridor and drink. The father doesn't live with them anymore, because the mother cheated him. The mother is such dumb like others who are living there. They're so noisy, dirty, and STEALING ELECTRICITY.
One floor below, is living a drunk with small 5x5 metres flat. both of them, he and THEY are stealing electricity together. That's why i have problems with electricity and that's why MY TABLET DOESN'T WORK HERE. That's not all. Just right below my flat, there is a room for rent, and there is carpenter's shop. THEY get amazing idea, to burgle there, and rent this room for other (so much stinky!) drunks for a bottles of vodka. They installed a electricity there too OTL. Police and administration know about them very, very well. But the law is so fucked, so they can't make so much enough fast. There is also one normal neighbour floor below, who is fighting so much for they eviction. She has also serious problem with them, cause on the first floor (mine and THEM is second floor) terribly stinks, that's not all. THEY are flooding her flat all the time. She has niagara falls on the walls, half of atlas of the fungs, all that because THEY have broken washing mashine, but they fucking don't care. Not enough? She have a little daughter with serious illness, and she can't live with them because of the conditions. She is doing her best to kick them out of here. I'd help her a lot with love, but my mom is very cautious, cause we have a car (and it's really needed cause my dad is a car courier), and it was spited one time (by THEM). Nobody knows what they can do next time.
I'm dreaming to move frome here. Just everywhere, but not here. But it's impossible. Only solution is to get about $200.000 to get a new flat in the same size (and it's the cheapest price D: ) but it is totally not possible.
Day after day my depression is stronger. I feel that i'm too weak to cope with that. I'm quite ambitious and all of that is overwhelming me. I have "Why me?" thoughts more and more often. Who hate me so much, to curse me? I didn't make anything bad. That's too sad to find a good words to me.
The worst thing is that drawing doesn't give me so much happiness anymore. That's not just artblock. It's a curve which is going down and down. All my happiness, all my strenght, i also lost my optimism long time ago. I want to be happy someday. In this weekend i'm going to buy some christmas gifts. For me the best gift will be just a little of good things. a little light of hope. But i won't get it too soon. And that's a fact and it's sad to know that. (unless, i get the $200.000 lol).
Please, don't tell me that i shouldn't complain, because there are people in worse situation in the world. But damn, this is my life. I want to make it as good as i can, because it's only one.
I just so depressed, cause it seems that i lost it. And mostly by not my fault
*sniff, i want my own bobko to have someone to hug, but i'm sooo unsocial D:*