Genetic Amalgams
I am very glad that I didn't delete my journal back when I just sort of abandoned the whole thing. I still don't know why I did that since I enjoy (or at least did) writing here. I just lost interest which doesn't mean that I lost interest in my friends list, just in writing here for myself.
Anyway, I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to express this to the friends and family IRL since I don't even know what to tell them. I told my mom and she was, as expected, very mom-like i.e. well you have to make up your own mind about what to do and I'll be here for you. Made me feel like I'm 15 years old, not 33.
So, by estimation, I'm now 3 weeks pregnant. We weren't trying. This was a birth control failure and proof as to why Mel and I should never get romantic first thing in the morning since neither of us thought 'condoms' until after the fact. I feel like a total idiot.
I've been to two doctors due to severe abdominal pain and nausea. The first said 'congratulations' and 'that's normal'. Really? It feels like my utereus is trying to turn itself inside out and 'that's normal'? The second doctor said, 'wait and see but everything seems okay'.
But it's not okay. I'm not even sure I ever want kids. That's why I was so careful with birth control. I don't even know what to think. I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions because that's pretty much what I do. I try not to let things get to me but I'm terrified.
I just don't think we're in a good spot for kids right now. We live in a one-bedroom, heat-lacking apartment. Mel hates his job and financially, it's tight. We're not starving but we're not exactly rolling in the spare cash either. And babies need stuff and stuff costs money.
Physically, I'm still cramping and I have no energy. I just want to sleep. I think it's a mixture of hormonal changes and being emotionally overwraught. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out. But I have to drag myself to work tomorrow and act like everything is normal. I don't want to tell my co-workers but I may end up telling my boss because I'm really not feeling well and I don't know if I'm going to be running around on the treatment floor like I usually do.
I just don't know what to do or even how to feel. I know I don't really want kids. At least I think I know that I don't. If I don't, I don't have a lot of time to play with before I'm outside of the abortion window. Oddly, I don't feel bad about making that decision but I do feel bad and am actually worried that I may be miscarrying and no one seems particularly concerned. No woman I've ever talked to has had these sharp cramps. On the upside (I guess) I'm not bleeding.
Then there's part of me that says: this is part of me. Part of me and part of Mel. We've been married 11 years, we're reasonably okay people, why don't we go ahead and pop out just one. At least breast milk is free and we both have jobs with health insurance. And my mom has already stated that she wants to babysit. Of course, this means that the baby will be drinking coffee early on and will gain an early appreciation of Walker Texas Ranger and any CSI program.
My head's spinning. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.
Anyway, I'm pretty much at a loss as to how to express this to the friends and family IRL since I don't even know what to tell them. I told my mom and she was, as expected, very mom-like i.e. well you have to make up your own mind about what to do and I'll be here for you. Made me feel like I'm 15 years old, not 33.
So, by estimation, I'm now 3 weeks pregnant. We weren't trying. This was a birth control failure and proof as to why Mel and I should never get romantic first thing in the morning since neither of us thought 'condoms' until after the fact. I feel like a total idiot.
I've been to two doctors due to severe abdominal pain and nausea. The first said 'congratulations' and 'that's normal'. Really? It feels like my utereus is trying to turn itself inside out and 'that's normal'? The second doctor said, 'wait and see but everything seems okay'.
But it's not okay. I'm not even sure I ever want kids. That's why I was so careful with birth control. I don't even know what to think. I'm trying to keep a handle on my emotions because that's pretty much what I do. I try not to let things get to me but I'm terrified.
I just don't think we're in a good spot for kids right now. We live in a one-bedroom, heat-lacking apartment. Mel hates his job and financially, it's tight. We're not starving but we're not exactly rolling in the spare cash either. And babies need stuff and stuff costs money.
Physically, I'm still cramping and I have no energy. I just want to sleep. I think it's a mixture of hormonal changes and being emotionally overwraught. I just want to curl up in bed and not come out. But I have to drag myself to work tomorrow and act like everything is normal. I don't want to tell my co-workers but I may end up telling my boss because I'm really not feeling well and I don't know if I'm going to be running around on the treatment floor like I usually do.
I just don't know what to do or even how to feel. I know I don't really want kids. At least I think I know that I don't. If I don't, I don't have a lot of time to play with before I'm outside of the abortion window. Oddly, I don't feel bad about making that decision but I do feel bad and am actually worried that I may be miscarrying and no one seems particularly concerned. No woman I've ever talked to has had these sharp cramps. On the upside (I guess) I'm not bleeding.
Then there's part of me that says: this is part of me. Part of me and part of Mel. We've been married 11 years, we're reasonably okay people, why don't we go ahead and pop out just one. At least breast milk is free and we both have jobs with health insurance. And my mom has already stated that she wants to babysit. Of course, this means that the baby will be drinking coffee early on and will gain an early appreciation of Walker Texas Ranger and any CSI program.
My head's spinning. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings.