My mother died this morning
I started writing this yesterday after my sister had called saying mother hadn't gotten up in a couple days, and had barely woken on Thanksgiving.
She moved to assisted living three or four years ago. She had lived alone in the house my father built before they were married since my father’s death in 1999. Local neighbors I’ve known all my life brought her soup and made sure her driveway was shoveled and just watched to see she was alive and doing well. She watered the lawns and made sure the leaves were raked and saw my sister Joan (who lived close and was watching her appointments and concerns) weekly. I tried to convince her to visit, or play bridge with me when I was there, or even drive through the mountains with me, but she refused much of anything except going to lunch or dinner out.
She had seldom drove - never having liked driving originally - and walked to close shopping and MacDonalds. But one day she went to Walmart to shop, and when she got back to her car it wouldn’t start. Now my mother has always depended on others to resolve the day’s small problems. So she called my sister, who was unavailable. And she called several local neighbours, and no one was there. In the end she had a guard find a stranger to jump start her car and when she took it to the service station, she had not driven it enough to keep the battery charged.
But the fact she had no one to answer her calls, and no knowledge of how to approach a solution herself caused a major change in her feelings towards living alone. So my sister found a local assisted living facility and she moved in. She made some friends, and people to talk with, and no longer had to worry about lawns. She stopped walking very far, she stopped doing the social activities with our neighbors she had done before. They seldom visited either though she was only a mile from her house.
Since then her closest friend there has died, and she has felt distanced from others. Joan’s family life has changed as well. She has one brother still alive, and three neices and nephews (but no one she stayed in touch.) It has seemed to me the connections that my mother felt most comfortable in her life have disappeared and she has not formed new connections to her new life. So she’s retreated. At some point earlier in the summer she caused problems at her residence. All I’ve been told is she pulled the fire alarm three times. They couldn’t reach Joan, so they called an ambulance and she went to the hospital for several weeks. Joan said they tried various medications, including none (which was BAD MOTHER) and came to something that stablized her emotions and activity. She moved to a more restricted area in the assisted living and continued there - mostly staying in her room reading and watching TV and waiting for people she recognized to visit.
I spent a week in Colorado visiting her daily. She couldn’t remember the house she lived in for over 50 years. She did recall some of the neighbors, but her memory appeared sometimes random - not recalling dinner yesterday, and thinking she was in Kansas when she could still see the mountains out her window.
In the past month she declined further and the doctors determined she needed oxygen. She had fallen, or fainted, or fallen asleep on her feet. But with oxygen she couldn’t stay where she was, so Joan moved her closer to where she lives into a nursing home. And Joan told me she never walks at all - only moves in a wheelchair and that seldom. She is in bed most of the day and sleeps a great deal.
Mentally I know this is not rare or unexpected. Emotionally I’m fraught because it’s *my* mother.
My emotional response - I wanted to know who my mother is/was - and it’s too late. Can’t tell if it was ever not too late, but there is no way now.
Anyway, Joan had called yesterday saying she had woken on Thanksgiving, but not eaten in several days, and was just sleeping. Joan called this morning at 2am and left a message. I called back at 4am and was told she had passed away around midnight.
So I'm packing to drive to Denver. I'll stop in Kansas to see her last brother (and check if he wants to come as well - I doubt it, but I'll ask.)
Hope you are well, take care of yourselves and yours.
She moved to assisted living three or four years ago. She had lived alone in the house my father built before they were married since my father’s death in 1999. Local neighbors I’ve known all my life brought her soup and made sure her driveway was shoveled and just watched to see she was alive and doing well. She watered the lawns and made sure the leaves were raked and saw my sister Joan (who lived close and was watching her appointments and concerns) weekly. I tried to convince her to visit, or play bridge with me when I was there, or even drive through the mountains with me, but she refused much of anything except going to lunch or dinner out.
She had seldom drove - never having liked driving originally - and walked to close shopping and MacDonalds. But one day she went to Walmart to shop, and when she got back to her car it wouldn’t start. Now my mother has always depended on others to resolve the day’s small problems. So she called my sister, who was unavailable. And she called several local neighbours, and no one was there. In the end she had a guard find a stranger to jump start her car and when she took it to the service station, she had not driven it enough to keep the battery charged.
But the fact she had no one to answer her calls, and no knowledge of how to approach a solution herself caused a major change in her feelings towards living alone. So my sister found a local assisted living facility and she moved in. She made some friends, and people to talk with, and no longer had to worry about lawns. She stopped walking very far, she stopped doing the social activities with our neighbors she had done before. They seldom visited either though she was only a mile from her house.
Since then her closest friend there has died, and she has felt distanced from others. Joan’s family life has changed as well. She has one brother still alive, and three neices and nephews (but no one she stayed in touch.) It has seemed to me the connections that my mother felt most comfortable in her life have disappeared and she has not formed new connections to her new life. So she’s retreated. At some point earlier in the summer she caused problems at her residence. All I’ve been told is she pulled the fire alarm three times. They couldn’t reach Joan, so they called an ambulance and she went to the hospital for several weeks. Joan said they tried various medications, including none (which was BAD MOTHER) and came to something that stablized her emotions and activity. She moved to a more restricted area in the assisted living and continued there - mostly staying in her room reading and watching TV and waiting for people she recognized to visit.
I spent a week in Colorado visiting her daily. She couldn’t remember the house she lived in for over 50 years. She did recall some of the neighbors, but her memory appeared sometimes random - not recalling dinner yesterday, and thinking she was in Kansas when she could still see the mountains out her window.
In the past month she declined further and the doctors determined she needed oxygen. She had fallen, or fainted, or fallen asleep on her feet. But with oxygen she couldn’t stay where she was, so Joan moved her closer to where she lives into a nursing home. And Joan told me she never walks at all - only moves in a wheelchair and that seldom. She is in bed most of the day and sleeps a great deal.
Mentally I know this is not rare or unexpected. Emotionally I’m fraught because it’s *my* mother.
My emotional response - I wanted to know who my mother is/was - and it’s too late. Can’t tell if it was ever not too late, but there is no way now.
Anyway, Joan had called yesterday saying she had woken on Thanksgiving, but not eaten in several days, and was just sleeping. Joan called this morning at 2am and left a message. I called back at 4am and was told she had passed away around midnight.
So I'm packing to drive to Denver. I'll stop in Kansas to see her last brother (and check if he wants to come as well - I doubt it, but I'll ask.)
Hope you are well, take care of yourselves and yours.