"i think we're alone now"
English class. Mondays in the internet room. la-dee-da.
i guess this isn't exactly how i imagined feeling when i came back to livejournal for an update after a long time, having cried mascara-black trails down my face for a good part of last night. but what can you do? when you feel like coming back, you do. when you don't, there's no real easy way to force yourself to. and that's how it seems and comes across if you try- forced.
anyway, i guess on to the reason/feelings leading to wanting to post again.
been having massive arguements with my mom recently. and its like the rules are ever-changing around the house- i refuse to call it home for the time being, because its not. home is somewhere you feel you belong, and i feel anything but welcomed there. everytime i think i'm abiding by the rules, and i decide to ASK to do something, i get yelled at and told i leave the house in shambles everytime i come through, i'm never home, when i am, i'm sleeping. oh yes, and i always make plans to stay out late almost every night.
first off, i've been struggling to make my 15 credit hours plus 5 hours of labs fit into my schedule, because work has had me scheduled for 35-40 hours a week. of COURSE i'm sleeping when i'm home and they are, because its the only chance i have. and when they AREN'T home, its the only peace and quiet i ever GET to do my homework, WHICH i'm falling increasingly behind in every day.
also- for the last two weeks, i have ONLY gone out three nights. two thursdays, which is my ritualistic night of bowling and just. . . feeling like i have a life somewhere in this mix of things, and the other was a week ago friday- st. patrick's day- when i went to Shaun's with David for a party, where i had one drink and chaperoned the drinkers that were friends of mine, as it was my turn after my last escapades in Muncie at Amber's party for her birthday. ugh, lets not go there.
So, as mother was carrying on telling me that i've not been home enough, WHEN FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS I HAVE BEEN NOWHERE BUT HOME WHEN POSSIBLE excluding the afore mentioned events. She managed to bring in that she was horrifically pissed STILL about a pair of shoes i bought, and how i NEVER HAVE TIME FOR HER, and its pretty much Lisa, you're a worthless idiot who doesn't give two shits about your family or anything but yourself.
maybe i haven't been angelic, but i think she's starting to be the one verbally abusing, since that seems to be her term for me getting frustrated and thus not speaking to her in as "respectful" a tone as she'd prefer.
she and dad had it in with me one night a few weeks ago, though. I wanted to go out and stay with David for the night before school the next day, because i missed him, and i needed to get out. what should they care? they were going to be gone the whole evening anyway. Well, mom got sick of being the one that gets it from Dad when she agrees to let me go off with David for the entire night, since Dad still wants to keep the sanctity of catholic beleifs beaten into me, thus she told me i had to talk to him.
we argued, i thought i should be allowed to go, after all. mom specifically SAID LAST SUMMER that SINCE i was going to school IN TOWN, there would be no arguements or interventions of her telling me when to go to bed, when to get up, to go to class or not go to class, and what i could or couldn't do in the evenings. My only stipulation would be chores around the house, helping with the dogs and keeping in touch with her via cell phone to let her know when i'd expect to be home, and if i was going to be late or plans changed to just keep her posted.
now its, Lisa's not allowed to stay out late more than one night a week, because noone wants to take care of her dog, she can't go out to Bluffton unless there's an EXTREMELY GOOD REASON, and its CERTAINLY can't be for all night. Lisa can't stay out past 11 or 12, which is still pushing it, more than 2 nights during the week, and she has to ask proper permission before even laying out solid plans LET ALONE leaving for them. Also, Lisa can't make plans for after work, because she's never home anyway. so she needs to be home even when there's noone there attempting to gain her attention and time, except the dogs, who have been infinitely neglected by Lisa for all of time.
rules subject to change as soon as i start to abide by them.
Anyway, so i made a comment about how i can never make them happy or NOT piss them off if the rules don't stay relatively consistant, and dad sent me a text that said "move"
so what did i do? i occupied my spare time between taking David back for Art and our Chem lecture collecting any and nearly all apartment complex's phone numbers from a phone book in the Art office, then proceeded to for the next few days when i had a minute call and find out living expenses, deposits, pet policies [even though i'm SURE i'd neglectfully leave my dog to become my mother's if i left, right? NOT.] etc, and came to the conclusion that i had to find a roommate, AND be sure that Dad would let me keep my car, as i'd be lost if i had no mode of mobility.
Found that only one place would be relatively suitable, and still in dire need of a roommate, but to no avail. it has since been concluded that i have not got the money, means, income or split-the-costs support to move out. So i'm fucked. stranded until who knows when.
and all the fireworks just keep on flaring. i've been called self-centered more times than i can count, and i think its really unfair how she speaks to me, and expects me to be so respectful, when i HAD THOUGHT we'd had an understanding so that we were on better terms. Thank Tom for helping lay that in place, after Andi had it all shredded to hell. Anyway. So, i guess she just decided to let college and my busy schedule in attempts to make money and STILL feel like i'm not a workaholic, on the verge of dying of social distruction Nor a hermit with no need for outside interventions like boyfriends, friends or the like.
anyway. so i got really upset after another of her episodes, and pretty much waged a war in my head with myself. and David's been trying to help, but in the moment he was 'working with me' we'll call it, it felt like chinese torture, ripping my already wounded heart out and throwing it in my face. it got to the point where just when i thought i couldn't cry any more, i'd start sobbing uncontrolably again. i went to bed around two, knowing i'd have to be waking up around seven. dreading. didn't manage to fall asleep for sure until after three. i think i've over done the caffeine intake today, but its keeping me glaze-eyed for my early classes. and thus i've just wasted my entire English class for the day.
Tomorrow's another day. and fortunately, i got the day off. so i can work on what i've neglected today.
i'll post the poem i wrote at work last week. it certainly not ready to be handed to its intended recipient.
i'm considering turning it into the school paper.
joy.
i guess this isn't exactly how i imagined feeling when i came back to livejournal for an update after a long time, having cried mascara-black trails down my face for a good part of last night. but what can you do? when you feel like coming back, you do. when you don't, there's no real easy way to force yourself to. and that's how it seems and comes across if you try- forced.
anyway, i guess on to the reason/feelings leading to wanting to post again.
been having massive arguements with my mom recently. and its like the rules are ever-changing around the house- i refuse to call it home for the time being, because its not. home is somewhere you feel you belong, and i feel anything but welcomed there. everytime i think i'm abiding by the rules, and i decide to ASK to do something, i get yelled at and told i leave the house in shambles everytime i come through, i'm never home, when i am, i'm sleeping. oh yes, and i always make plans to stay out late almost every night.
first off, i've been struggling to make my 15 credit hours plus 5 hours of labs fit into my schedule, because work has had me scheduled for 35-40 hours a week. of COURSE i'm sleeping when i'm home and they are, because its the only chance i have. and when they AREN'T home, its the only peace and quiet i ever GET to do my homework, WHICH i'm falling increasingly behind in every day.
also- for the last two weeks, i have ONLY gone out three nights. two thursdays, which is my ritualistic night of bowling and just. . . feeling like i have a life somewhere in this mix of things, and the other was a week ago friday- st. patrick's day- when i went to Shaun's with David for a party, where i had one drink and chaperoned the drinkers that were friends of mine, as it was my turn after my last escapades in Muncie at Amber's party for her birthday. ugh, lets not go there.
So, as mother was carrying on telling me that i've not been home enough, WHEN FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS I HAVE BEEN NOWHERE BUT HOME WHEN POSSIBLE excluding the afore mentioned events. She managed to bring in that she was horrifically pissed STILL about a pair of shoes i bought, and how i NEVER HAVE TIME FOR HER, and its pretty much Lisa, you're a worthless idiot who doesn't give two shits about your family or anything but yourself.
maybe i haven't been angelic, but i think she's starting to be the one verbally abusing, since that seems to be her term for me getting frustrated and thus not speaking to her in as "respectful" a tone as she'd prefer.
she and dad had it in with me one night a few weeks ago, though. I wanted to go out and stay with David for the night before school the next day, because i missed him, and i needed to get out. what should they care? they were going to be gone the whole evening anyway. Well, mom got sick of being the one that gets it from Dad when she agrees to let me go off with David for the entire night, since Dad still wants to keep the sanctity of catholic beleifs beaten into me, thus she told me i had to talk to him.
we argued, i thought i should be allowed to go, after all. mom specifically SAID LAST SUMMER that SINCE i was going to school IN TOWN, there would be no arguements or interventions of her telling me when to go to bed, when to get up, to go to class or not go to class, and what i could or couldn't do in the evenings. My only stipulation would be chores around the house, helping with the dogs and keeping in touch with her via cell phone to let her know when i'd expect to be home, and if i was going to be late or plans changed to just keep her posted.
now its, Lisa's not allowed to stay out late more than one night a week, because noone wants to take care of her dog, she can't go out to Bluffton unless there's an EXTREMELY GOOD REASON, and its CERTAINLY can't be for all night. Lisa can't stay out past 11 or 12, which is still pushing it, more than 2 nights during the week, and she has to ask proper permission before even laying out solid plans LET ALONE leaving for them. Also, Lisa can't make plans for after work, because she's never home anyway. so she needs to be home even when there's noone there attempting to gain her attention and time, except the dogs, who have been infinitely neglected by Lisa for all of time.
rules subject to change as soon as i start to abide by them.
Anyway, so i made a comment about how i can never make them happy or NOT piss them off if the rules don't stay relatively consistant, and dad sent me a text that said "move"
so what did i do? i occupied my spare time between taking David back for Art and our Chem lecture collecting any and nearly all apartment complex's phone numbers from a phone book in the Art office, then proceeded to for the next few days when i had a minute call and find out living expenses, deposits, pet policies [even though i'm SURE i'd neglectfully leave my dog to become my mother's if i left, right? NOT.] etc, and came to the conclusion that i had to find a roommate, AND be sure that Dad would let me keep my car, as i'd be lost if i had no mode of mobility.
Found that only one place would be relatively suitable, and still in dire need of a roommate, but to no avail. it has since been concluded that i have not got the money, means, income or split-the-costs support to move out. So i'm fucked. stranded until who knows when.
and all the fireworks just keep on flaring. i've been called self-centered more times than i can count, and i think its really unfair how she speaks to me, and expects me to be so respectful, when i HAD THOUGHT we'd had an understanding so that we were on better terms. Thank Tom for helping lay that in place, after Andi had it all shredded to hell. Anyway. So, i guess she just decided to let college and my busy schedule in attempts to make money and STILL feel like i'm not a workaholic, on the verge of dying of social distruction Nor a hermit with no need for outside interventions like boyfriends, friends or the like.
anyway. so i got really upset after another of her episodes, and pretty much waged a war in my head with myself. and David's been trying to help, but in the moment he was 'working with me' we'll call it, it felt like chinese torture, ripping my already wounded heart out and throwing it in my face. it got to the point where just when i thought i couldn't cry any more, i'd start sobbing uncontrolably again. i went to bed around two, knowing i'd have to be waking up around seven. dreading. didn't manage to fall asleep for sure until after three. i think i've over done the caffeine intake today, but its keeping me glaze-eyed for my early classes. and thus i've just wasted my entire English class for the day.
Tomorrow's another day. and fortunately, i got the day off. so i can work on what i've neglected today.
i'll post the poem i wrote at work last week. it certainly not ready to be handed to its intended recipient.
i'm considering turning it into the school paper.
joy.