I wrote this several days ago in my other blog but i want you to see it
I was planning on going home before starting graduate school. I need a chance to get away and get some perspective on life. I need to get away from all the things that remind me of Zack. It makes me crazy that when I wake up from a nightmare I still look for him.
The school districts near my mom are going on strike. This means no sub positions available and I more than likely won't be able to make ends meet. Hell I can't even come up with money for a plane ticket.
I've been considering joining the military for quite sometime now. I had agreed with my mom that since i could do this subbing that i wouldn't sign up. Due to the recent strike the military is suddenly an option again. I've spent the last two days in a recruiters office. I'm terrified. I tend to make snap decisions and for the most part they turn out well. I've never agonized so much over anything before. I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. Everyone but Zack tells me not to do it, which of course makes me consider it more. I don't know why the hell Zack thinks i should, he hates the army. Maybe he figures I'll get shot and die...though i've never figured out why he is mad at me for leaving...he is the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Not that i'm still angry or anything.
If I sign up for four years I can clear all of my debt before I get out and have money for my masters. I will have the time and resources to hone my skills with my rifle on my off time. I can work in the medical field, you can never have too much experience. I will have the time and opportunity to learn martial arts. I can get my body into the best shape of my life. I won't be stuck in a dead end meaningless job. I would have health and life insurance. I wouldn't have to worry about where i would live or if i would be able to buy food. I would have the chance to travel. I could find out exactly what my limits are.
I'm afraid of getting stuck in the army and not being released after my contract. I'm afraid that the instant i'm done with boot camp and job training I'll be sent to Iraq unprepared. I'm afraid my family will not support me in this decision and I will lose the relationship I've got with my mother. I'm afraid of causeing my family grief and worry. I'm afraid of loosing my independance. I'm afraid because I'll be forced into wars that I don't agree with. I have not doubt in my mind if i join the military that I will see battle and probably not leave unscathed. I'm afraid of being used and having poor leadership. I'm afraid that I'll find a job that I love and not want to leave. I'm afraid of not getting the opportunity to go to gradschool. I'm afraid that the army would try and break my spirit.
I'm considering signing over 8 years of my life. I'm considering the possiblity that I'll never get go to gradschool and earn my degree in genetic counseling. I'm deciding if i should trust someone to make decisions for me. I haven't let anyone make a decision for me since i was 14. I suppose in a way the army is an easy way out. There are a lot of pro's and con's. Many members of my family serve or served. What if i'm too old for all of this. what if i can't cut it. What if i don't have what it takes. Can i survive 9 weeks of physical and mental hell? I don't want to discrace my family for not being able to finish what i started.
I'm scared
unwritten-serendipity.blogspot.com
The school districts near my mom are going on strike. This means no sub positions available and I more than likely won't be able to make ends meet. Hell I can't even come up with money for a plane ticket.
I've been considering joining the military for quite sometime now. I had agreed with my mom that since i could do this subbing that i wouldn't sign up. Due to the recent strike the military is suddenly an option again. I've spent the last two days in a recruiters office. I'm terrified. I tend to make snap decisions and for the most part they turn out well. I've never agonized so much over anything before. I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. Everyone but Zack tells me not to do it, which of course makes me consider it more. I don't know why the hell Zack thinks i should, he hates the army. Maybe he figures I'll get shot and die...though i've never figured out why he is mad at me for leaving...he is the one who couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Not that i'm still angry or anything.
If I sign up for four years I can clear all of my debt before I get out and have money for my masters. I will have the time and resources to hone my skills with my rifle on my off time. I can work in the medical field, you can never have too much experience. I will have the time and opportunity to learn martial arts. I can get my body into the best shape of my life. I won't be stuck in a dead end meaningless job. I would have health and life insurance. I wouldn't have to worry about where i would live or if i would be able to buy food. I would have the chance to travel. I could find out exactly what my limits are.
I'm afraid of getting stuck in the army and not being released after my contract. I'm afraid that the instant i'm done with boot camp and job training I'll be sent to Iraq unprepared. I'm afraid my family will not support me in this decision and I will lose the relationship I've got with my mother. I'm afraid of causeing my family grief and worry. I'm afraid of loosing my independance. I'm afraid because I'll be forced into wars that I don't agree with. I have not doubt in my mind if i join the military that I will see battle and probably not leave unscathed. I'm afraid of being used and having poor leadership. I'm afraid that I'll find a job that I love and not want to leave. I'm afraid of not getting the opportunity to go to gradschool. I'm afraid that the army would try and break my spirit.
I'm considering signing over 8 years of my life. I'm considering the possiblity that I'll never get go to gradschool and earn my degree in genetic counseling. I'm deciding if i should trust someone to make decisions for me. I haven't let anyone make a decision for me since i was 14. I suppose in a way the army is an easy way out. There are a lot of pro's and con's. Many members of my family serve or served. What if i'm too old for all of this. what if i can't cut it. What if i don't have what it takes. Can i survive 9 weeks of physical and mental hell? I don't want to discrace my family for not being able to finish what i started.
I'm scared
unwritten-serendipity.blogspot.com