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so, I'm sitting here, listening to depressing music. I don't know why, I don't know why when everything in my life is amazing, i bring myslef down like this. I have an amazing boyfriend, who treats me like a queen, i have great friends, and a fun job. I am living the life of someone i've always wanted to be. But within me, there is a void. I can't explain it to anyone. but i can always try. Its like no matter how great things get, no matter how amazing my life is, i always go back and think of the road i didn't go down. Like, what if i had moved to Portland? Would my life be better there, or would i be just as confused? what is this about? I have everything i've ever wanted, hell, i even have a car. Me? a car? how could that ever happen? when did i become modivated? is it because of dan? did he change me? I don't know, i don't know if it is because of him that i'm becoming more responsible. And if it is, the thought of losing that terrifies me. I always thought of myself as indipendent, but i am so codependent its gross. When i was little, i always told myself that i would be able to make an amazing living for myself and not worry about having enough money for rent, or having to depend on my significant other for financial support. I dont' want to be that woman. I want to be able to say "let me pay for dinner this time" which latly i have been able to do, thankfully. But then at the thought of being an enable sickens me. I payed for dan to go to six flags, which i had no problem with, he is in a financial crunch right now. He just moved out on his own for the first time, with a man named Brock. from what i can tell, he is a great influance on Dan. and i want to meet him. they are still in that awkward stage of first month living together, and i think its cute to see dans eyes light up with the thought of his own place. its so adorable to hear him tell me about all the parties that happen, but at the same time, i get jealous tha ti'm not a part of that part of his life. I have yet to meet anyone from his side. he's met my entire life. My whole web of people love him, and dont' want us to break up, but i wonder if anyone he knows, knows of me. I 'm sure the first time i spend the night with him at his place, i'll meet brock, unless it is conviniant enough that he is out for the night. I don't know. Is he embarassed by me? Does he not want to be in a relationship that calls for more then a few fucks during the week? I want answers, but everytime i talk to him about this, i loose my nerve. He has this damn power over me that i can't control. i love it, but at the same time i hate it. What do i do? Do i just give in and wait for him to want to show me off? or do i push him to the point of having me meet someone from his side just to shut me up. and then, how will he introduce me to these people. I hate this. The new relationship awkward stage. I dont' like the uncertanty of all of it, but at the same time i have a thrist for. I just don't know what to do...