defeated
I am defeated and I know it. But in truth is it I who is defeated or my spirit? My morale is at an all time low and I feel like a disappointment. Reality is I am tired of where my life is and I am discovering I am not as strong or as hopeful and I once thought myself to be. I can't help but to also feel guilty for feeling so depressed. Today in my AS class we watched videos on Africa and I just thought to myself..."your worried about what now? Look at these poor children, these starving people and what they're going through with health and political turmoil and yet they can smile and sing and play and laugh..why can't you" Even now I am haunted by some of the images I saw and I look around my dorm room and what I have so readily available, the simple things that to those without it would mean the world to them. I wish I could snap out of it and come to the understanding that just because things are going wrong doesn't mean that the world should stop and help me or at least recognize what I am going through. But, once again, I feel alone and depressed wondering where are all my so called friends? then it hit me...my ROTC "friends" always ask of me but never give. Honestly as much fun as I have hanging out with them and how much I consider them good friends almost family, I can't help but think they're just using me for what I can do for them, cause they're always asking and never giving. I am going through a lot of personal and public emotional issues right now and there have been times I've ended up in the WOC crying. All I ever get is a "everything okay" and even that is rare. But they see me upset they have to know that something is wrong, yet they do nothing. Even my roommates who are suppose to be two of my really good friends in ROTC don't care. I miss my true friends from back home and my two truest of best friends Valencourt and Ashlee who moved away from fresno.