This Love Will Change You (2b/?)
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In the early morning, Eduardo is awoken by whimpers over the baby monitor. Not urgent, needy cries, it just sounds like Hayden’s having a bit of a bad dream or something. But Eduardo already feels terrible because Hayden’s sick, and if he’s having bad dream it would only make him feel worse.
So he shuffles down the hall to the nursery and props himself up in the rocking chair, just to be nearby.
But the rocking chair still feels too far away when Hayden’s making the noises that he is. He sounds scared, in pain, or some combination of both, Eduardo doesn’t know. He just knows that he doesn’t ever want to hear Hayden sound so small and frightened.
Eduardo makes his way over to the crib, and looks down at his son from above. He seems fine, he assures himself, but he still can’t convince himself to back over to the rocker. So instead, he sits down with his back propped up against the crib and his legs stretched out across the carpet, and closes his eyes, so he’ll be right there if Hayden needs him.
He catches sleep in 15 minute snatches in-between the more violent whimpers, during which he opens his eyes and turns around to make sure Hayden is still okay. He always is, but you know. Just to be sure.
It’s been about an hour before he hears approaching footsteps, and then a creak as someone stands in the doorway. He opens his eyes just a little, so everything is somewhat blurry, but he can still make out Mark’s figure.
Mark is chuckling and coming closer. “Wardo, the whole point of the two of us staying over was that you could get a full night’s sleep, and I really don’t think you can do that sitting up.”
“’S’not the point,” Eduardo slurs, voice heavy with sleep, and he yawns before continuing. “I didn’t want you both to have to drive.”
Eduardo doesn’t see it, but he knows that Mark is probably rolling his eyes. “Whatever. I agreed so you would get a full night’s sleep anyway.” Eduardo opens his eyes completely and looks up at Mark, who is looking at him with… fondness? Affection? Something. It’s too dark for Eduardo to be sure. But Mark just continues to smile down at him softly and extends his hand. “Let’s get you back in bed.”
He sighs a little and grabs Mark’s hand to pull himself up. He feels a little dizzy upon standing, and Mark reacts immediately, slinging his other arm under Eduardo’s shoulder and circling Eduardo’s wrist with the hand he originally took. Together they stumble back to Eduardo’s room, and Eduardo tries not to think about how weird it feels. It’s like a flashback from the opposite point of view, because he can’t even count the amount of times he led Mark to bed at Harvard. He’s conscious of every point where they’re bodies are touching, and if he leans into Mark a little more than friends usually do, well, he can just blame it on his half-awake state.
“Thanks,” he murmurs as Mark helps him into bed and pulls the covers up around him.
“No problem,” Mark murmurs back, and Eduardo wants to open his eyes and see his expression, to see if it was still that fond look, because he really liked seeing Mark look at him like that. But his eyes are already closed.
*
The light is harsh through his curtains the next morning, and Eduardo scrubs his hand over his face as he wakes. When his turns his face to the clock, he is surprised to see that it’s actually nine o’clock. He can’t remember the last time he slept in this late; it was definitely before Hayden and probably even before he started throwing himself into his work like nothing else mattered. It was so nice. But weird, why did Hayden let him sleep so-
Eduardo’s mind immediately rushes to the most horrible possibilities, so he pulls on some sweatpants and dashes to the nursery, but Hayden isn’t there.
Before he has a mini-heart attack, he remembers Mark tucking him in last night, Mark putting Hayden to bed with Facebook fairy tales, Mark being a natural with babies, and he breathes out and tries to compose himself as he heads downstairs.
Mark is sitting on the couch, with Hayden on his lap, and holding a brightly colored stuffed animal (some type of cross between a giraffe and a zebra, a gift from the Valencias) just out of his reach. Hayden lunges out to grab for it, and Mark pulls it just a little further back out of his reach. This makes Hayden giggle and clap his hands. Eduardo can’t help but smile, Hayden just started laughing a week or so ago and it never fails to delight Eduardo every time it happens. But Mark seems to enjoy it just as much, he’s laughing too and his smile is completely unguarded which is unusual for him.
Eduardo allows himself thirty seconds to just let everything fall away and imagine this was his life, where when he woke up every morning and it was the three of them, their own little family unit. A warm feeling spreads through his body, the kind that says I really could get used to this.
But then the thirty seconds is up and he forces himself to shake the thought away. Mark has never thought of him like that, and it’s unfair to ask that of him now, when there is so much more to Eduardo’s life.
He enters the living room, rapping on the side of the doorframe as he does so to alert them both to his presence. Mark looks up immediately, and his expression of unguarded happiness shuts down. “Wardo,” he says.
“Hey,” Eduardo responds, making a silly face for Hayden, who is laughing and pointing at him. Mark hurries to get up, handing Hayden the zebra-giraffe (who takes it but regards it disinterestedly, like now that he actually has it all the fun is gone) in haste.
“No, no, Mark, it’s fine. Don’t get up. He was having fun playing with you,” Eduardo says over his shoulder as he made his way into the kitchen. “Can I get you some coffee?”
Mark sits back down a little hesitantly and clears his throat. “Um, sure. That’d be great.”
So Eduardo busies himself with making coffee, but tries to do it as quietly as possible so he can hear the two of them playing. He decides it’s his new favorite thing, hearing Hayden laugh and coo to Mark, who always responds back like he knew exactly what Hayden was saying and they were in the middle of a very serious conversation. Eduardo tries to hide his smile as he heads back in, offering Mark a mug.
“What time did he get up?” Eduardo asks, perched on the opposite arm of the couch, sipping on his coffee while watching Hayden tug on a particularly springy curl of Mark’s insistently while Mark tries to disentangle Hayden’s persistent fingers.
“Just like two hours ago. I was already up coding anyway-my laptop was in Chris’ car-and I might have snuck the baby monitor from your room when I forced you into bed last night,” he admits, looking just a tad unsure and guilty, not meeting Eduardo’s eyes.
Eduardo gives him a mock stern look. “Mark,” he begins.
“Seriously, Wardo, it was no big deal. And you are not allowed to harass me about how much sleep I got, you tried to sleep up against a wooden crib last night,” Mark says firmly, with a look to match. Eduardo loses all pretense of strictness and smiled shyly down at his mug, conceding Mark’s point.
The moment breaks as Chris strolls in, looking freshened and more awake than either Mark or Eduardo. “Morning,” he says a little too brightly, pouring himself a cup of coffee too, and asking Eduardo what his plans for the day were.
“Well,” he sighs. “I wanted to go with Hayden to see Jamie at the hospital, but I still lack a car for the rest of the weekend. I’ll probably end up taking a taxi or something,” he assures Chris.
Their reactions were polar opposites. Chris looked concerned immediately, brow furrowed, and asked, “Hospital?” while Mark looked offended and inquired, “Taxi?”
The responses were so reverse of each other that Eduardo tries to laugh, but mostly just ended up choking on his coffee. When he has composed himself, he turns to Chris.
“Didn’t I tell you last night? Jamie has cancer.”
Chris looks shell-shocked. “I’m pretty damn sure I’d remember if you mentioned the mother of your child had cancer, Wardo.”
Eduardo shrugs. “She does. That’s why her parents are staying with me, except for this weekend. They’ve gone to pick up her sister and brother-in-law in Seattle. Hence my lack of a vehicle,” he supplies, gesturing to Chris.
Chris just shakes his head again, like he couldn’t get the words to make sense in his head. “But-cancer? She’s a year younger than you, Eduardo!”
He nods to confirm. “Yeah, but apparently cancer can be pretty nondiscriminatory when it comes to age. Honestly, I don’t know much about the whole thing, in the doctor’s appointments she always made me cover the baby stuff and let her worry about the disease thing.”
Chris mutters, “I’m sorry,” softly, and Eduardo echoes that he is too, and Mark just nods in agreement. It seemed like Chris was actually speechless, which was kind of a new thing for him, at least as far as Eduardo has seen. So Eduardo turns to Mark.
“What’s wrong with a taxi?”
When Mark looks at him, it’s a little bit exasperated. “Nothing Wardo, other than the fact that they’re totally disgusting and no place for a three month old, not to mention that Chris’ car is right outside and we could easily take you.”
Chris squawks. “Mark! You can’t just offer up other people’s cars!”
Mark looks at Chris like he’s overreacting. “What? It’s true, and we’re already here, and you were practically begging me to take some vacation time yesterday. This can be a vacation day. We’ll go to the hospital with Wardo, and then I promise your car will be yours again and you can return to your very exciting social life,” he finishes with a sarcastic look at Chris.
Chris returns Mark’s look with narrowed eyes, probably annoyed at having his own arguments used against him and being confronted with Mark’s absolute logic. Mark could be ridiculous, but when he was making sense, fighting it was useless. “Fine,” Chris surrenders, throwing up his hands. “What time do visiting hours start?”
Mark looks victorious, Chris looks long-suffering but content, Hayden claps his hands again and giggles, and Eduardo tries to think back to the last time he was this happy.
*
Chris and Mark spend most of the car ride over asking about Jamie, her unfortunate predicament, and so on. Mark actually seems nervous about meeting her, which is just so out of character for him that it’s ridiculous. It gets even worse when Eduardo lets slip that Jamie actually wants to meet him.
“What?!” Mark screeches, turning around in the passenger seat so he can see Eduardo. “Why? What reason would she possibly have for wanting to meet me, other than a negative one?”
Eduardo laughs, and then turns it into a cough to keep from blushing. Chris gives him knowing eyes in the rearview mirror, which he avoids. He doesn’t want Mark to know exactly how much he talks about him, or that Jamie’s first question when he sees her is always about if Mark has called or not. “I told her a lot of Harvard stories.”
Mark turns back around but seems unconvinced.
They make their way into the hospital, and Eduardo is relieved to see that the bitchy nurse is off-duty today. He asks one of the other nurses if Jamie is having a good day, to which the nurse assures him that she is, so he asks if she could check and see if Jamie was asleep or if they might be able to see her. The nurse nods and heads out, leaving them waiting.
Eduardo looks down beside him and notices that Mark’s palms are sweating, and he’s wiping them nervously on his jeans. He beams, but just to himself. He has to bite the inside of his cheek to get it to go away, and then is reminded of Mark calming his nerves last night outside the emergency room.
“Hey,” he says, reaching for Mark’s nearest hands and giving it a squeeze in the same fashion as last night. “It’s going to be okay.”
And yeah, it’s kind of a cheesy gesture, especially considering that Mark just did the same for him yesterday, and so Mark is obligated to roll his eyes because that’s who he is, but it’s okay. Because Eduardo can see the light behind them, and so he lets himself beam back.
The nurse pops her head back in. “Jamie’s awake, Mr. Saverin, and she’d love to see you all.” Eduardo nods at her and leads them all in.
Jamie has propped herself up and her hands are folded in her lap, her smile a little too mischievous for Eduardo’s liking. “Well well well,” she says, in a tone Eduardo does not like at all, “New visitors! I’m Jamie, and you must be Chris… and Mark.”
They both step forward and shake hands with her and say hello. She fusses at them to sit down, and then turns towards Eduardo. “Why didn’t you tell me you had company?” she teases, and Eduardo rolls his eyes playfully back, unstrapping Hayden from his carseat.
“Your son has an ear infection,” he states, and immediately she’s back to her motherly self, reaching for Hayden and cooing and asking Eduardo all sorts of questions about the medicine and what the doctor said and all about yesterday and when she runs out of questions, Eduardo feels exhausted. However, Mark looks grateful for the distraction, and Eduardo shoots him a wink. Mark bites down on his lip.
Jamie seems satisfied and settles Hayden into her lap. “I’m so thirsty,” she says, and only Eduardo can tell that it’s a little bit exaggerated for her. Chris, being the rookie that he is, offers to get her something, and Jamie tells him what a dear he is and she’d really appreciate it. And then, “Eduardo, why don’t you go with him so he doesn’t get lost.”
He narrows his eyes at her as he rises to go with Chris, just to show her that he knows what she’s up to, trying to talk to Mark alone, but she just smiles sweetly back at him. Mark shoots him a panicked look like don’t leave me, but there’s nothing Eduardo can do.
When he and Chris return, Mark looks a little more relaxed and Jamie looks a lot less impish. Eduardo is worried, but knows he can’t say anything.
They spend about two hours with Jamie, Mark and Chris getting to know her, and in turn she and Eduardo share story after story, some from when they were together and some from when they weren’t. They mock the bad soap that comes on and take turns holding and playing with Hayden. It is an afternoon well-spent, in Eduardo’s opinion, and he really doesn’t want to leave, but Jamie is starting to show signs of fatigue and finally Eduardo says they’d better get going.
Mark and Chris say they’ll meet him in the parking lot, like they think he and Jamie need alone time or something else ridiculous like that, but whatever. He gathers up Hayden’s diaper bag and starts putting him into the car seat.
“So,” he starts, and he knows he’s being as obvious as physically possible, but he doesn’t even care. “What did you and Mark discuss?”
Jamie mimes zipping her lips and throwing away the key. “That’s between the two of us, Eduardo,” she says just a little too sweetly.
Eduardo scoffs at her and throws Hayden’s stuffed animals into the diaper bag with a little too much force. “Sure, sure, that’s just great. Yeah, let me worry about it and miss him for three months--”
“Miss him?! Eduardo, don’t pretend the last three months were anything short of pining--”
“But then withhold all the information you find out when you meet him, yeah, that’s just fucking great, that’s what friends do for each other, thanks Jamie.” He didn’t realize he was as mad as he was until he actually started talking, now he just feels furious. He looks up at Jamie and he knows all his emotions are painted across his face, but he doesn’t care. He wants to see his expression reflected across her features, meeting him push for push.
But that isn’t what’s written in her expression at all. In fact, there’s nothing short of care there, like she knows that his anger comes more from fear and anxiety than anything else, and she forgives him for it.
“Sweetie,” she begins, rubbing a soothing hand over his back as he sits down in the chair beside her, scrubbing his hand over his face and carding it through his hair. “I know it’s hard, and frustrating, and it sucks. But just. This should just be about the two of you. Don’t let any other factors get in the way this time. No more ads, no more Christy Lees, no more Sean Parkers. Okay?”
Eduardo lets out a ragged breath, but nods. Because that makes sense, which only further confirms that Jamie sometimes understands him better than he knows himself. So he gives her a quick hug and murmurs, “Thanks,” before standing up, picking up Hayden in his car seat, and heading for the door.
“Eduardo,” she says right as he’s about to walk out. He turns around to face her. “Can I give you just one piece of advice?”
He laughs in response. “Sure,” he allows. “I need as much as I can get.”
Jamie smiles back, but it’s a little subdued. “Stop being afraid and just talk to him Eduardo. And ask him.”
His eyebrows come together in puzzlement, because he’s not quite sure what she’s referring to. “What d’you--”
“You know,” she cuts him off with an encouraging nod. “Just. Ask him.”
At this point he’s pretty sure what she means, he’s just not sure how she knows it. But he figures that’s as good as he’s going to get from Jamie, says goodbye again, and heads out to the parking lot to meet Chris and Mark.
*
They’re all pretty starving, so they decide to grab food somewhere. Chris says he knows a place, and so they end up there. It’s quite nice, they end up eating their meals outside in the little café area outside the restaurant, despite the fact that it’s overcast today and it looks like rain may be threatening later. Eduardo insists on paying as his way for thanking Mark and Chris for all their help the past two days.
Afterwards, Chris really does have to get back, as he apparently has a Democratic party function to go to in the evening, but he offers to drop them off wherever. Eduardo says he’d just love to head home, and then Mark surprises them.
“I’ll just go back with Eduardo,” he says simply. Chris’ eyes bug out, worried Mark has overstayed his welcome, and Eduardo looks up. Mark realizes his flub immediately, and he turns to Eduardo with a hint of vulnerability in his eyes. “I mean, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah, yeah, of course it’s okay. It’s beyond okay; you’re such a help with Hayden… I just don’t want to hold you back from any plans or anything, Mark,” Eduardo admits honestly. Because seriously, he doesn’t want to keep Mark around for selfish reasons if he doesn’t really want to be there (that’s a lie, he totally does, but he won’t and that’s what matters).
Mark shakes his head quickly. “No, I want to. It’s fun hanging out with Hayden and… catching up with you.” He smiles a little afterward, a nervous smile, but when Eduardo returns the sentiment, the look becomes more confident.
*
They really do spend the rest of the day catching up. They talk about so many things, mostly about what they’ve been doing since the depositions (though they never talk about how they were doing, and they definitely don’t actually refer to the depositions). Eduardo thinks about what Jamie said, about really talking to Mark, and feels a little bit guilty since they aren’t actually dealing with any of their issues, but then shrugs off the feeling and reminds himself that Rome wasn’t built in a day.
But even without any so-called closure, it’s still so refreshing, and for once Eduardo doesn’t feel like he’s missing anything. He’s totally present, totally in-the-moment and enjoying himself, a mood that’s really only been present with Hayden as of late. By the evening they’re both more than a little giddy, just high on spending time with each other after going without for so long.
Eduardo find himself wishing again that it didn’t have to end, but by eight o’clock Hayden is making needy, tired sounds that signal it’s time for bed. Mark insists that it’s fine, he’ll just call a car (Because apparently when you’re CEO of a multi-billion dollar company they just have drivers waiting around at your beck and call, and that’s totally typical. Eduardo sometimes feels just a little bit in awe that they’ve come so far, that Mark and Facebook have come so far). Eduardo says that sounds great, and goes to put Hayden down for the night.
When he returns downstairs, Mark’s driver is already outside. “That was fast,” Eduardo can’t help but say, and something’s welling up in the pit of his stomach that feels a little like melancholy.
Mark nods in agreement, and picks up his bag. He looks like he’s not ready to leave either.
“So listen,” Eduardo says. “I really, really want to thank you again for everything this these past two days. I couldn’t have done it without either of you, for sure, but I definitely appreciate you being here for me, even though. You know,” he finishes lamely, and chances a look up at Mark.
Mark is smiling at him in a way that manages to communicate that he thinks Eduardo’s thanks are totally unnecessary but he appreciates them anyway. “Of course,” he says back simply. “It was great,” and he sounds sincere.
“Yeah,” Eduardo echoes, and there’s no more time to kill. He opens the door and Mark steps out into the night, and gives a last little wave before Eduardo closes the door behind him.
Eduardo leans up against the door as soon as its shut, breathing a little heavy. His mind is racing a mile a minute. He’s thinking about how it’s fine, he can wait to talk to Mark about everything, that this is just the beginning.
But then he realizes.
Jamie was right. He’s just afraid. Afraid of Mark, which is kind of ridiculous, considering everything. He had so many opportunities to really talk to Mark these past two days, and he was always able to come up with an excuse.
And he knows that Jamie is right. He has to ask.
He has to know.
So he throws the door open and runs out into the dark, and it’s raining, fucking pouring actually, how did he not notice that before (and why is it always raining with Mark)? Mark’s nearing the end of the driveway. He calls out to him, but Mark doesn’t turn. “MARK!” he yells as he runs closer, and this time he gets Mark’s attention.
Mark definitely looks surprised and maybe a little confused, but Eduardo keeps coming closer until they’re about two feet apart, and doesn’t give Mark a chance to speak.
The words tumble out of his mouth without any warning or buildup. “Why didn’t you call?” he asks, and he has to speak louder over the noise of the rain, but mostly he doesn’t even care because he just feels desperate.
Mark opens his mouth and looks like a mixture of guilt and sadness, but Eduardo isn’t done.
“You promised you would. You said you wanted me back in your life and then you didn’t call. You can’t just do that, you can’t mess with someone’s emotions like that. And I know the baby thing is a trip, alright, I do, but like, you see now, everything’s not as it appeared that night. This isn’t in any way a normal situation. And I would have liked to have been given a chance to explain, if nothing else.”
Mark says nothing for a moment, just considers Eduardo kind of sadly, like he’s regretting something. Eduardo is already soaked through to the skin and he knows Mark must be too, but he doesn’t care, he’s not even focused on that a little bit.
“You said you couldn’t,” Mark says.
Eduardo recoils a little, because… What?
“You said you wanted me back in your life too, and then you said, ‘But I can’t,’ before you were interrupted. And after what followed, I was worried that you were about to say no. That you were too busy to be friends again, or that you weren’t going to waste your time with it, or that you didn’t want to. And now, now I see that that isn’t the case-or at least I hope it’s not the case, I don’t want to assume anything-but you have to understand. I had every intention of calling you. That probably seems absurd considering that it’s been three months, but you have to believe me. That’s how long it was taking me to work up the courage to face you turning me down. Because you mean that much to me, Wardo. I was too scared to see you walk away again.”
When Mark looks up at him again, Eduardo thinks he can understand the sadness there a little. But he can’t let Mark think like that.
“That’s not-god, Mark, that’s not even-I was never going to…” Eduardo takes a deep breath to steady himself. He knows what he was originally going to say, that he couldn’t be just friends with Mark anymore and that he wanted more, he always had. But that seems unfair now, with Hayden and Jamie and everything. How could he possibly put Mark in that position? Besides, this is still tentative. He wants Mark to know how he really feels with every fiber of his being, but he can’t scare him away already. He’s just not ready to lose him yet.
“Mark, I was going to say that we couldn’t go back to the way things used to be. If we do this again-and I want to, god, do I want to-we have to be able to trust each other. I don’t want to go through that mess again. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I want to know that you don’t want to hurt me. That’s all. That’s all I was going to say. That’s all I want.”
There’s a moment of silence before Mark grins. Eduardo grins back, and it feels like a promise, the kind you keep.
“I want that too,” Mark says, not breaking eye contact.
“Good,” Eduardo breathes, and his heart feels a million times lighter as he steps back a little. “Okay. So, I’ll see you around.”
“Definitely,” Mark says, and climbs into the car without losing his grin. “See you around, Wardo,” he says, and pulls the door shut.
Eduardo watches the car pull away and stands in the pouring rain, watching Mark leave in the torrential downpour with the biggest smile on his face, until he can’t see him anymore.
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