We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey--Kenji Miyazawa
Jammed my finger in August. Had it diagonosed as arthritic.
Still hurts. Proximal inter-phalangeal joint is still swollen. The range of motion is still restricted, both in contraction and extension. Any lateral pressure on any joint is sharply painful, as is trying to extend or bend it fully.
Took it to my GP on Monday, and he ordered an x-ray. He also explained that osteoarthritis means stiffness and swelling, but not this sort of pain--the pain is a ligament thing. Cool. The ligaments can heal, but arthritis stays.
He explained that the ligaments had scarred and were causing the pain and restricted motion--this scarring would have to be broken up to fix the finger.
Now, on my own time I had smashed the finger straight a time or two. Just because. Oddly, always at the sushi place. No explanation for that. That's what a hand specialist would do, he said, and give me a brace.
At which time he gave me a brace.
Today he called and told me there was no arthritis. It was all ligament damage, and gave me the number of a hand specialist.
So I took it upon myself to straighten the finger. At the sushi place, because why not?
Pain. There comes a point where it seems to wash over me without actually hurting--it's the clenched tense muscles reacting to it, and the dazedness surging like waves. When the pain is there, when I'm pressing the joint flat, or worse yet having my dinner mate hyperextend it, it's in many places. It sits in the joint, and burns brightly. It hits me in the forearms, and clenches. My thighs try and do the same. I'm aware of temple muscles, as they tighten too, and I feel my migraine resonate in sympathy. The top of my mouth...sings and my tongue starts to throb. That's what the pain in the joint is like too--a note sustained so long and hard you don't want to listen anymore, but can't stop. The light that's too bright and burns through your eyelids.
Except--it's voluntary. I'm not turning away or blocking my ears. I'm putting myself through this. The puddle of pain in the back of my skull perks up. It's the last to react, and it does so slowly, and brings fogginess with it.
Not fogginess that clouds the pain--more fogginess that isolates you from the things that aren't hurting, so you only know about the the joint, the arms, the attentive body parts.
Right now, much later, I still feel waves. They're sweet, they're singing, but they aren't good or seductive
The joint is good--thanks for asking. I can, for the first time in many months, feel it make contact with surfaces. I can make a fist, although I'm not about to hit anyone with it. I can press my hand almost flat into the tabletop without using my other hand for additional pressure. When I push the shopping cart or hold the steering wheel, the whole underside touches.
It's strangely otherworldly, and perhaps because of either the pain or now the painkillers. I hadn't missed that sensation until now, but feeling it I know I'll force the finger straight or get a patient friend to do it and exercise and brace it as much as it takes.
It was never a particularly good finger, but I do want it back.
Still hurts. Proximal inter-phalangeal joint is still swollen. The range of motion is still restricted, both in contraction and extension. Any lateral pressure on any joint is sharply painful, as is trying to extend or bend it fully.
Took it to my GP on Monday, and he ordered an x-ray. He also explained that osteoarthritis means stiffness and swelling, but not this sort of pain--the pain is a ligament thing. Cool. The ligaments can heal, but arthritis stays.
He explained that the ligaments had scarred and were causing the pain and restricted motion--this scarring would have to be broken up to fix the finger.
Now, on my own time I had smashed the finger straight a time or two. Just because. Oddly, always at the sushi place. No explanation for that. That's what a hand specialist would do, he said, and give me a brace.
At which time he gave me a brace.
Today he called and told me there was no arthritis. It was all ligament damage, and gave me the number of a hand specialist.
So I took it upon myself to straighten the finger. At the sushi place, because why not?
Pain. There comes a point where it seems to wash over me without actually hurting--it's the clenched tense muscles reacting to it, and the dazedness surging like waves. When the pain is there, when I'm pressing the joint flat, or worse yet having my dinner mate hyperextend it, it's in many places. It sits in the joint, and burns brightly. It hits me in the forearms, and clenches. My thighs try and do the same. I'm aware of temple muscles, as they tighten too, and I feel my migraine resonate in sympathy. The top of my mouth...sings and my tongue starts to throb. That's what the pain in the joint is like too--a note sustained so long and hard you don't want to listen anymore, but can't stop. The light that's too bright and burns through your eyelids.
Except--it's voluntary. I'm not turning away or blocking my ears. I'm putting myself through this. The puddle of pain in the back of my skull perks up. It's the last to react, and it does so slowly, and brings fogginess with it.
Not fogginess that clouds the pain--more fogginess that isolates you from the things that aren't hurting, so you only know about the the joint, the arms, the attentive body parts.
Right now, much later, I still feel waves. They're sweet, they're singing, but they aren't good or seductive
The joint is good--thanks for asking. I can, for the first time in many months, feel it make contact with surfaces. I can make a fist, although I'm not about to hit anyone with it. I can press my hand almost flat into the tabletop without using my other hand for additional pressure. When I push the shopping cart or hold the steering wheel, the whole underside touches.
It's strangely otherworldly, and perhaps because of either the pain or now the painkillers. I hadn't missed that sensation until now, but feeling it I know I'll force the finger straight or get a patient friend to do it and exercise and brace it as much as it takes.
It was never a particularly good finger, but I do want it back.