a change of heart
i remember when i used to spend every second thinking of you. waiting on you. for your texts, your calls, your visits. i remember when you were all i could think about. when life without you seemed like fiction. when i couldnt remember there ever being a time when i wasnt thinking about you. i remember those days the way a person remembers how they used to believe that peterpan existed. and that one day he'd come through your window and whisk you away to neverland where you'd have all these amazing adventures and things to do. i remember those days, i remember them while i sigh and have a faraway look in my eyes.
sometimes i think about you and i cant stand you. i cant stand your face, your smile, your eyes, your voice, the way you talk, the smirks and the smart remarks you just had to make about everyone and everything. sometimes i think about how you would never let me do anything ever. how i was your little pet. caught in the mouse trap. i was your little puppet, for you to take out and play with whenever you pleased. and thats all i was to you. sometimes i think of how some days i just wanted to scream at you and tell you exactly how i felt and how i just wanted this to cease. to stop. to never exist. and sometimes i think of how everytime i felt that way, i wouldnt do anything about it. id stay shut, for fear of creating any type of argument with you. and the fear of being labeled "just another one of those".
sometimes i think about you and i miss you terribly. i miss how much attention you gave me. too much. and i felt like i didnt deserve it. i felt like it didnt belong to me, i didnt understand what i had done to be treated this way. i didnt deserve this from you. i didnt. i wasnt good enough. sometimes i think about you and its like it was a perfect life. that you seemed to always know what to do to put that smile right back on my face. you knew me so well. you did, i think you really truly did. sometimes i think about your face. and how you would always have that lovely face that only you could have. sometimes i think of our perfect days, and how my heart would always go crazy around you. about how it seemed like this time, things might actually be looking up for us.and sometimes i think about you and wish so badly that things could still be the same.
i thought about how at times i cant stand you and how at times i miss you so terribly. and i thought about those last words you uttered to me. i think about my reaction. i think about how it all finally ended. the end of our story. the end of the word "us". the end. i think about that. and ive realized that its been so long. its come to the point that i make myself think of the good times we had, and i find it so hard to remember these good times. i find it so hard to remember the kind things you would say to me. i find it so hard to picture in my mind just how great things were between us two. and who knows, maybe its because its been so long. and maybe its easier to remember the hurting days, the painful days, because those were the last days. and because it happened more recently than the good memories. maybe thats why. but you and i both know about the amazing memory that i have. its quite unique i believe. and thats why ive come to this realization.
maybe, just maybe, the impossible is finally happening.
maybe what i promised you would never happen, is finally taking it rightful place in time.
maybe, i no longer have that feeling for you.
i know i know, crazy stuff. quite unbelievable. im having a hard time believing it myself.
but it seems to be a probably answer.
so im not sure what i can do with this realization but to just go with it.
and dont worry, i still think about you. not as often as before of course. not as nostalgic as before either. just, differently. you are a person to me. that is what you are. and i think that one day, when all the mess and things get sorted out, i think that one day, things just might be okay.